Wednesday Jokes: January 5th

Stephanie Matto, star of 90 Day Fiance, shut down her business selling farts in a jar, claiming her diet of smoothies, beans and eggs caused severe gas pains. She’ll issue refunds for customers who bought gift cards to give out at Christmas.

A sign posted in a University of Maryland dormitory informs male students that masturbating in the shower is a housing code violation, and that the pipes “aren’t designed to handle semen”. That, and there’s a rash of unwanted pregnancies in campus sewer rats.

The European Union banned tattoo ink containing carcinogenic chemicals. Tattoo artists say this is hurting their ability to serve loyal customers who want new tattoos to commemorate their cancer battle.

Verizon & AT&T refused to delay the launch of 5G technology at the request of the FAA, who is concerned 5G may interfere with airline communication. “My jet is going down!” said an airline passenger over a smartphone with a speedy and reliable Verizon 5G connection.

French President Emmanuel Macron said he intends to “piss off” unvaccinated French citizens with severe restrictions to their ability accessing public places. Actually he said something sounding more like “peas uff” but French people still understood him.

AirlineRatings.com, an industry website, named Air New Zealand 2022’s Safest Airline based on crash & incident records, age of aircraft, COVID protocols, and fewest sticky seats from duct-taping enraged passengers.

KFC will begin selling plant-based Beyond Fried Chicken nuggets, which taste like chicken, but isn’t. This is different from their standard offering, which tastes like chicken, and mostly is.

For the first time, ABC’s ‘The Bachelor‘ had a bachelorette withdraw from the competition. Salley, a woman who’d been engaged but called off the wedding, said she was going home. Producers were confused, saying they didn’t know how to handle contestants behaving with dignity.

‘Real Housewives Of Miami’ star Lisa Hochstein said she’s removing her cosmetic ‘facial fillers’, saying she wants her face to look empty again.

John Deere introduced a fully autonomous self-driving tractor, which plows and harvests fields so farmers can spend more time in the barn building relationships with cows and sheep.

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