Closing arguments are underway in the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp trial, leaving a court to decide whether the bed-pooper defamed the drunken pirate, vice-versa, or both.

A Japanese man spent $15,000 on a lifelike costume to look like a border collie. However, he still can’t lick his own balls. [story h/t to J !]

Paris Hilton wants to be “Queen of the Metaverse”. Since most adults don’t know what the Metaverse is, or have plans to spend any time there, that’s fine by them.

Timothy Hale-Cusinelli, a New Jersey native on trial for breaching the Capitol in the January 6th insurrection, told a judge he was from New Jersey, and effectively too dumb to know there was a building called the Capitol. “I’ll allow it” said the judge. [Another story h/t to J !]

Public outrage is mounting over the slow response by Uvalde, Texas police to the fatal elementary school shooting. A Uvalde cop asked for the public’s understanding, citing the challenge of simultaneous response to a mass shooting, while also planning a Memorial Day chicken barbecue with the fire department.

Lee Greenwood, Don McLean & Larry Gatlin all cancelled their concerts at the Houston NRA Convention. If you want to see old white geezers sing to hillbilly dipshits in Texas, you’ll have to wait for Motley Crue’s Stadium Tour.

K-Pop superstars BTS will make an appearance at the White House on May 31st to close out Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Aides are briefing Joe Biden to prevent him asking which of them know Kim Jong Un.

Netflix added a viewer warning to the beginning of new ‘Stranger Things’ episodes in the wake of the Uvalde shooting, since the show contains scenes with dead children. Texas Senator Ted Cruz introduced new legislation banning Demogorgons in schools.

Chicago raised its COVID risk level to ‘high’ on Thursday – making it the only time in recent history residents are hoping for more shots in Chicago.

Ellen Degeneres got choked up while recording the final episode of her daytime talk show, Ellen. As opposed to production assistants throughout the years, who just got choked.