Friday Jokes: June 3rd

New York State passed a law raising the minimum age to 21 in order to purchase or own a semi-automatic rifle. NRA parents are now left scrambling to find gifts for high-school graduation parties.

Queen Elizabeth pulled out of her scheduled appearance at a St. Paul’s Cathedral service during her Platinum Jubilee, citing “discomfort”. Other old British ladies were thrilled to have a new excuse they, too, could use to blow off two dismal hours at church.

The United Nations recognized the nation of Turkey’s official name change to Turkiye, pronounced tur-key-yay, and the condiment of Gravy’s official name change to Graviye.

COO Sheryl Sandberg announced she’s leaving Facebook parent company Meta, and that she’s under investigation for using company resources to plan her wedding. She runs Facebook, but still needed three Facebook software developers to figure out the privacy settings for the wedding event.

Apple claims its upcoming iPad OS 16 tablet operating system will finally make iPads effectively replace laptops. Because the software weighs four pounds.

The Philadelphia Phillies fired manager Joe Girardi. The team is now seven games under .500, but the last straw was Girardi testing positive for monkeypox.

NASA selected Axiom Space and Collins Aerospace to develop the next spacesuits for astronauts working outside the International Space Station (ISS), edging out Carhartt and Wrangler.

Law enforcement officials in Uvalde, Texas now claim 911 call information from terrified children “never reached” the police chief on-site – thanks to a Texas law requiring school children to answer each other’s 911 calls.

LIV Golf, the upstart professional golf league backed by the Saudi Arabian government, is rumored to have paid Dustin Johnson $125 million to join. Or, about a thousand times what they pay for guys to execute foreign journalists.

A new study finds 17 & 18 year olds should have one-to-two hours of screen time per day on weekdays, and two-to-three hours on weekends, to be emotionally well-adjusted. Males should spend most of their time on social media and websites, and an efficient 90 seconds on porn.

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