Thursday Jokes: June 2nd

A California woman found $36,000 in the cushion of a sofa she got for free on Craigslist. She returned the money, and the condoms she found in a different cushion.

The company owning the rights to Elvis Presley’s likeness ordered Las Vegas wedding chapels to stop performing Elvis-themed weddings. Couples married by Elvis impersonators have the option of going to Graceland for an officially-licensed Elvis divorce.

Queen Elizabeth commemorated 70 years on the throne – proving the damaging impact of British cooking.

Chevrolet announced it’s lowering the price of its Bolt electric vehicle to $27,000. Bolt sedans were recently recalled because of flammable batteries; Chevy says the price cut is permanent and not a fire sale.

The United Kingdom is planning to send U.S.-made medium-range rocket systems to Ukraine to help battle the Russian invasion. They’re also planning to send UK-made scones to Russian soldiers to make them too sick to fight.

Amber Heard’s attorney says she can’t pay the $10 million judgment won by ex-husband Johnny Depp in their defamation trial. She’ll appeal, but if she loses that, keep an eye out for an Aquaman-themed Only Fans account.

A woman born with a misshapen right ear received a new, transplanted ear which was 3-D printed using her own cells. She then had it pierced at a shopping mall and ruined it.

Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen admitted in an interview that he vomits before every game – as do about 12-to-15,000 fans attending Bills home games.

Archaeologists unearthing the ruins of an ancient Roman fort found a stone with a drawing of a penis etched into it, along with what’s believed to be the first-ever carved graffiti of the phrase ‘for a good time, call..’

Police arrested a Utah man after he brandished a firearm at McDonald’s drive-thru employees, followed by his 4-year-old son firing a shot at responding officers. The man was jailed, and the toddler got a Happy Meal with fries instead of apple slices.

A bison gored a woman at Yellowstone National Park, tossing her 10 feet in the air. The bison’s friend now has to toss a different tourist higher than that to win the bet.

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