Tuesday Jokes: June 28th

Ryan Resch, 29, a basketball operations exec with the NBA Phoenix Suns, came out as gay. He looks forward to meeting your Phoenix sons.

Rapper Ludacris’ manager and two others were shot in Georgia. The rapper said he’s trying to find the word to describe how crazy it is.

The January 6th Commission scheduled a last-minute session this afternoon, citing new evidence and witness testimony, and that one of them won a free catered lunch from Chick-fil-A that expires on June 30th.

Accounting firm Ernst & Young was fined $100 million after disclosing that its auditors cheated on the ethics portion of the CPA Exam. The Trump Organization called a press conference to announce the hiring of Ernst & Young.

Bed Bath & Beyond is accused of shutting off air conditioning in its stores to save money. Their CEO doesn’t see the big deal, since there are towels, like, everywhere.

Inventor Hashem Alghaili showed off his Sky Cruise concept, a pilotless flying hotel powered by 10 nuclear jet engines that never lands and can accommodate 5,000 guests. He said the biggest problem will be how to eject people at 30,000 feet who don’t pay their bill.

Child psychiatrists are advising mothers not to say “I’ve been so good today” about not eating junk food in front of their daughters, since it could make them feel food or weight-shamed. They also advise not saying “I’ve been so faithful today” when the hot UPS guy drops off a package.

A Norwegian Cruise Line ship struck an iceberg in Alaska and returned to port to repair the damage, and to drop off the cheapskate passengers who already drowned in Steerage.

A 101-year-old former Nazi prison guard was found guilty of accessory-to-murder charges for prisoner deaths in World War II. He’s expected to be sentenced to death, or 30 days, whichever comes sooner.

Influencers were sickened after eating meal kit maker Daily Harvest’s French Lentil + Leek Crumbles entree, with one saying “I’ve never felt pain like that.” Their friend, who didn’t eat it, but looked at it, added “I’ve never felt nausea like that”.

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