Friday Jokes: December 2nd

Olympic champion diver Greg Louganis is auctioning off over 50 personal items to benefit LGBT charities. One of the items is a Speedo he wore during the Olympics, which was expected to fetch over $50,000, but declined in value once bidders found out he washed it.

InfoWars’ Alex Jones, who was found liable for millions in damages owed to Sandy Hook shooting victims’ families, filed for personal bankruptcy. The personal finance bankruptcy adds to his moral and intellectual bankruptcies.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to a 7 Eleven and bought the store’s entire inventory of Snickers bars, to make up for all the ones he shoplifted as a kid. Johnson has yet to respond to people saying he stole their money when they bought Black Adam tickets.

Joe Biden held his first White House state dinner. Nancy Pelosi attended with her daughter Alexandra; her husband chose to stay home and get hammered.

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s health remains in question, as a report emerged that he fell down a flight of stairs and soiled himself. The report came from a guy who wishes he had a different job than doing Vladimir Putin’s laundry.

Kanye West appeared on InfoWars and praised Adolf Hitler. Kanye is now officially the Player To Be Named Later in a; proposed swap to free Britney Griner.

A McDonald’s worker said she quit after her first week because she was assigned to drive-thru work on her first day with no training. On the bright side, she now knows the phrase “pull up to the next window” in six languages.

A Disneyland visitor said Minnie Mouse was cruel to her toddler. The child repeatedly tried to hug Minnie, but the character kept spinning the child around for a photo – a technique Disney insiders call “love and shove”. Mickey Mouse said that when he’s alone with Minnie, “love and shove” means something totally different.

Physics teacher Kristy Buchan resigned from her job after students found her Only Fans account. Buchan said she needed the money to pay her mortgage and treat her sick son – but the son said he was sick of classmates showing him naked pictures of his mom.

A 20-year-old Georgia woman was rescued from a dog crate by another woman claiming her as a sex slave. The resident dog is just happy to have his bed back.

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