WNBA star and freed Russian prisoner Britney Griner attended the 2023 Met Gala. She was invited in a guest swap after Viktor ‘Merchant of Death’ Bout RSVP’d ‘no’.

A cockroach was spotted on the red carpet at the Met Gala as celebrities arrived in their lavish apparel. Tickets to the event cost $50,000 each, which isn’t an obstacle for Ivanka Trump.

A study finds over 5,000 tons of toxic gaseous VOCs – volatile organic compounds -escaped from consumer products in 2020 in the state of California. The volume is expected to rise in proportion to the grand openings of new Taco Bell restaurants.

Hunter Biden appeared in Batesville, Arkansas to answer questions about his finances in a paternity case. Biden is seeking to lower support payments to Lunden Roberts, a woman who became pregnant when she was Hunter Biden’s laptop.

Pornhub banned access to the entirety of Utah over that state’s strict new age-verification requirement to view adult content. In other news, production has been halted on the set of Pornhub Original Production: ‘My Six Hot Mormon Stepmoms‘.

Television and film projects are expected to shut down in the wake of a Writers Guild of America strike. Writers are seeking more income from streaming, a minimum number of writing jobs on each tv show, and a guarantee of 50 Star Wars spinoffs every year on Disney+.

A woman who described herself as a ‘spiritual healer’ stands trial in New South Wales, Australia for the death of her friend, whose burns she treated with toxic mucus from a giant Amazonian monkey frog. Court observers describe testimony as ‘ribbiting’.

Convicted sex offender R. Kelly was moved from Illinois to a North Carolina prison that has housed Joe Exotic, the Unabomber, and John Hinckley, Jr. Multiple online betting apps installed Kelly as the moneyline favorite to win the prison Talent Show.

A 74-year-old Florida man was arrested for grabbing the crotch of a female American Airlines flight attendant. A spokesperson for Donald Trump reminded everyone that he’s 76 and doesn’t fly commercial.

General Mills is launching Kit Kat Cereal later this month. Or, just give your kids the candy bars for breakfast, they don’t really care either way.

Arizona’s U.S. Senator Kyrsten Sinema is leaving the Democratic Party and registering as an Independent. Sinema says she’s bisexual, bipartisan, and you can bi her votes.

Britney Griner is back in the U.S. following a prisoner swap with Russian arms dealer Viktor ‘Merchant of Death’ Bout. MerchantofDeath.com is already offering a Christimas buy one, get one free offer on guided missile-launching drones.

CBS This Morning co-anchor Gayle King said that the Good Morning America co-host affair between T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach is “messy” and “sloppy” – not like the buttoned-up action she gets with bestie Oprah.

Crypto executive Sam Bankman-Fried said he’ll testify before Congress about the collapse of FTX, provided Congress is willing to fly to the Bahamas.

Philadelphia Police used forensic DNA to finally identified The Boy In The Box – a 1957 murder victim – as Joseph Augustus Zarelli. They say they’ll no longer refer to him as The Boy In The Box, and will start calling him Jaz.

Elon Musk said Twitter is developing software to show if you’ve been ‘shadowbanned’, or, more likely, that ‘no one Likes what you have to say’.

Actress Jennifer Lawrence said in an interview that her Hunger Games role was the first time a woman starred an action movie. She was met with hostile disagreement by every female star who saw action in porn.

Frontier Airlines said they’ve shut down all their customer service phone lines, and will only field customer inquiries via chat. They say that 99 percent of what customers type in chats are all caps.

Google added a feature to its Pixel phones so Wifi stays on when users enter Airplane Mode – so that they can comply with air carrier requirements, while still being able to bitch about how terrible the inflight Wifi is.

A new law in South Korea standardizes citizens age. Many South Koreans consider newborns 1 year old instead of 0, so the new standard will lower most ages by at least a year. This is good news for most everyone except guys with teen girifriends they thought were legal.

Olympic champion diver Greg Louganis is auctioning off over 50 personal items to benefit LGBT charities. One of the items is a Speedo he wore during the Olympics, which was expected to fetch over $50,000, but declined in value once bidders found out he washed it.

InfoWars’ Alex Jones, who was found liable for millions in damages owed to Sandy Hook shooting victims’ families, filed for personal bankruptcy. The personal finance bankruptcy adds to his moral and intellectual bankruptcies.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to a 7 Eleven and bought the store’s entire inventory of Snickers bars, to make up for all the ones he shoplifted as a kid. Johnson has yet to respond to people saying he stole their money when they bought Black Adam tickets.

Joe Biden held his first White House state dinner. Nancy Pelosi attended with her daughter Alexandra; her husband chose to stay home and get hammered.

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s health remains in question, as a report emerged that he fell down a flight of stairs and soiled himself. The report came from a guy who wishes he had a different job than doing Vladimir Putin’s laundry.

Kanye West appeared on InfoWars and praised Adolf Hitler. Kanye is now officially the Player To Be Named Later in a; proposed swap to free Britney Griner.

A McDonald’s worker said she quit after her first week because she was assigned to drive-thru work on her first day with no training. On the bright side, she now knows the phrase “pull up to the next window” in six languages.

A Disneyland visitor said Minnie Mouse was cruel to her toddler. The child repeatedly tried to hug Minnie, but the character kept spinning the child around for a photo – a technique Disney insiders call “love and shove”. Mickey Mouse said that when he’s alone with Minnie, “love and shove” means something totally different.

Physics teacher Kristy Buchan resigned from her job after students found her Only Fans account. Buchan said she needed the money to pay her mortgage and treat her sick son – but the son said he was sick of classmates showing him naked pictures of his mom.

A 20-year-old Georgia woman was rescued from a dog crate by another woman claiming her as a sex slave. The resident dog is just happy to have his bed back.

The White House wants to put nutrition labels on the front of food packages. An Oscar Mayer spokesperson said they’re fine doing so with Lunchables, since it would only require printing the word “None”.

Rachel Dolezal now has an Only Fans page. She’s offering a ‘2-for-1, Buy White Nudes, Get Black Nudes Free’ deal.

Finance company Citigroup named Grant Carson to lead its operations in Russia. Carson said it’s always been a dream of his to meet Britney Griner.

Actress Lili Reinhart said she struggled with body dysmorphia while filming the latest season of Riverdale – constantly worrying that she didn’t have big enough Jugheads.

Oregon State University’s bipedal robot, ‘Cassie’, established a new world record for the 100-meter dash in 24.73 seconds, but then was disqualified for giving a sample of synthetic motor oil.

Blonde‘, a fictional Marilyn Monroe biopic, is the first Netflix movie to get an NC-17 rating. Teenage boys will have to decide whether it’s worth their time, or if they should just stick with free online porn.

Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Myles Garrett suffered no serious injury in a single-vehicle car wreck. The Las Vegas Raiders are dealing with several injuries after their season began with an 0-3 train wreck.

University of California-affiliated colleges are struggling to find affordable housing for students, since they’re located in some of the most expensive markets in the state. Dumpy-looking students living in dorms are now not only able to hook up for months on end, but collect cheap rent.

M&Ms introduced the new Purple M&M cartoon character to its lineup. It’s an entirely new female character, not the Red M&M choking the Green one.

Scientists are concerned about a new super-STD, M.gen, that won’t go away regardless of treatment. They’re calling it the Madonna virus.

Sylvester Stallone is reportedly angry that MGM is making a spinoff film about Ivan Drago and his son, saying the studio is “exploiting” his characters. Stallone made the comments from the Ft. Lauderdale set of the upcoming ‘Rocky’s Spring Break‘.

Cassadee Pope, past winner of NBC’s The Voice, clapped back at criticism that no one from the show ever got famous, saying she was just booked on the Emo’s Not Dead music cruise. Pope will be in charge of the salad bar.

January 6th rioter Guy Reffitt was sentenced to 7 years in jail for carrying a gun into the Capitol and threatening violence against Nancy Pelosi. He is, however, now eligible for the special ‘Patriot Rate’ for a burial plot at Trump National golf course.

Adolf Hitler’s gold watch – inscribed with his initials and a swastika, sold for $1.1 million. It was reportedly looted from his mountain hideout, and appraised at a recent stop of Nazi Antiques Roadshow.

A new study states eating ultraprocessed food is linked to cognitive decline in the area of the brain that controls ‘executive function’ – leading to the executive decision to have hot dogs for dinner every night.

Ayman al=Zawahiri, leader of Al Qaeda, was killed in Kabul, Afghanistan. al-Zawahiri was killed by Hellfire missiles launched from a drone whie he stood on his balcony. His reported last words were: “those are some big shooting stars”.

A defense expert claims the examination of the vape cartridges in Britney Griner’s luggage violated Russian law, adding that it might be the biggest human rights violation perpetrated by Russia in recent memory.

Larry Rudolph, a multimillionaire big-game hunter and dentist from Pennsylvania, was found guilty of killing his wife while on an African safari. Rudolph contended it was an accident, and that he lovingly mounted her head on the wall of his den.

A Mississippi Airbnb listing of ‘former slave quarters’ has been removed from the service. The owner had categorized it as a ‘bed and breakfast and 12 hours in a cotton field’.

Following the Sesame Place controversy, a New Jersey mother is claiming the Chuck E. Cheese mascot ignored her black daughter’s request for a high-five. The costumed rat defended his actions, saying he wasn’t ignoring her, she was just out of tokens.

Some North Carolina Little League baseball teams pulled out of the state championship tournament after gunshots were fired during a weekend game. One baserunner was picked off at first base.

The UK’s largest grocer, Tesco, stopped selling Heinz baked beans in a dispute over rising prices. The UK air quality index surged to its highest level in decades.

Lebron James criticized efforts to free WNBA star Britney Griner from a Russian prison. James thinks that Griner should just call a press conference to announce which city she’ll be taking her talents to.

Twitter is suing Elon Musk to force him to follow through on buying the company, utilizing a “you & 229 million other dopes broke it, you bought it” strategy.

MTV suddenly halted production on its new-cast reboot of ‘Jersey Shore’ in Atlantic City. No word was given on why, but it’s rumored that MTV discovered most of the new cast are college-educated, have jobs and are sober.

WalletHub released their list of the Most Stressed Cities in the U.S. Cleveland topped the Most Stressed list – leading new Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson to say that’s why he needs so many stress-relieving massages.

Millions of student loan borrowers were notified that their debt was transferred from Navient to new company Aidvantage. Aidvantage looks forward to never receiving their payments.

A lawyer on Tik Tok claims retail stores are using surveillance footage from self-checkout counters to frame customers for stealing. She specifically cites voice prompts that say “scan item”, then “place the item in your purse”.

Bradley Cooper is reportedly dating Hillary Clinton’s former assistant Huma Abedin. Abedin is the ex-wife of disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner, and is now the steady date of much-admired Hollywood Weiner.

Newly released video of the Uvalde school shooting shows an armed local police officer staring at his phone with a ‘Punisher’ lock screen, while inside the school, doing nothing. He later unlocks the phone and tops his personal record in Candy Crush.