Monday Jokes: January 9th

A former cop & his teacher wife were sentenced to 100, and 41 years in prison, respectively, for sex crimes against children, including her serving students cupcakes with his semen in them. The only cupcakes worse than the white ones were the yellow ones.

Delta Airlines is rolling out free wifi on their jets. Calls to customer service to fix wifi issues cost $199.

Bam Margera said he died for a brief time from COVID. Luckily his former Jackass costars were there to resuscitate him by taping a fork to his hand and shoving it in a wall outlet.

A Wells Fargo bank vice president was arrested for urinating on an Air India passenger. The victim was then upgraded to coach from their seat in lavatory class.

Two humpback whales washed up on Atlantic City beaches in the last month, delighting everyone who took the Over on 1.5 washed-up whales in December.

An Arkansas judge was arrested for soliciting sex from a woman in exchange for a more lenient sentence for her defendant/boyfriend. The woman said he summoned her to judge’s chambers, which were in a Motel 6.

Insurrectionists stormed Brazil’s government buildings in an attempt to restore defeated former President Jair Bolsonaro to power, in what will be known as the January 8th Brazilian Bolsonaro Lift.

For the first time, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended giving weight-loss drugs to obese children. Drug makers are frantically attempting to make obesity drugs shaped like The Flintstones.

Gisele Bundchen returned to modeling following her divorce from Tom Brady. However she gained five pounds and entered obesity protocol.

Consumer Reports found unacceptably high levels of lead in dark chocolate candy bars. The good news is, young children find them a much more flavorful alternative to paint chips.

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