A former cop & his teacher wife were sentenced to 100, and 41 years in prison, respectively, for sex crimes against children, including her serving students cupcakes with his semen in them. The only cupcakes worse than the white ones were the yellow ones.

Delta Airlines is rolling out free wifi on their jets. Calls to customer service to fix wifi issues cost $199.

Bam Margera said he died for a brief time from COVID. Luckily his former Jackass costars were there to resuscitate him by taping a fork to his hand and shoving it in a wall outlet.

A Wells Fargo bank vice president was arrested for urinating on an Air India passenger. The victim was then upgraded to coach from their seat in lavatory class.

Two humpback whales washed up on Atlantic City beaches in the last month, delighting everyone who took the Over on 1.5 washed-up whales in December.

An Arkansas judge was arrested for soliciting sex from a woman in exchange for a more lenient sentence for her defendant/boyfriend. The woman said he summoned her to judge’s chambers, which were in a Motel 6.

Insurrectionists stormed Brazil’s government buildings in an attempt to restore defeated former President Jair Bolsonaro to power, in what will be known as the January 8th Brazilian Bolsonaro Lift.

For the first time, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended giving weight-loss drugs to obese children. Drug makers are frantically attempting to make obesity drugs shaped like The Flintstones.

Gisele Bundchen returned to modeling following her divorce from Tom Brady. However she gained five pounds and entered obesity protocol.

Consumer Reports found unacceptably high levels of lead in dark chocolate candy bars. The good news is, young children find them a much more flavorful alternative to paint chips.

Hawaii’s Kilauea¬†volcano erupted for the first time in two years, figuring if there’s ever a good time to spew more toxins into the air, it’s probably now.

Mark Wahlberg disappointed Australian fans at the grand opening of one of his F45 Fitness Gyms. Wahlberg spent a mere five minutes posing for pics at the new gym in Woolloomooloo, Sydney, before bidding everyone TooDooLooLoo.

An 18-year-old woman from Georgia was sentenced to four months in jail in the Cayman Islands for breaking COVID-19 protocols. Her parents appealed to Donald Trump for assistance, and are confident he’ll follow up, because she’s kinda hot.

The U.K. is in lockdown after a more transmissible, mutated, strain of coronavirus ravages the area. It’s so unpopular, instead of COVID-20, they’re calling it “Meghan”.

Following vaccination of healthcare workers, a CDC Advisory Panel recommends Americans 75 & older be next in line for vaccines. The panel is also warning their grandchildren to expect long, boring stories about it.

Apple may launch the Apple Car as early as next year. Pricing is not yet available, although interested buyers are being told to buy a case for it so the windshield doesn’t break when they hit the curb.

Ariana Grande is engaged to real estate broker Dalton Gomez. Grande plans to enter the studio to begin recording her next album about dumping him.

The new $900 billion government stimulus package reportedly contains $600 direct payments to Americans, billions in expanded unemployment benefits, and about $400 billion to the Russians hacking into the Treasury to take it.

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro raged against the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, saying if the vaccine turned someone into an alligator, Pfizer bears no legal liability. Pfizer said its vaccine does not turn people into alligators, because it would make the second vaccine dose really hard to administer.

New video emerged of a United Airlines passenger receiving CPR before dying of COVID-19 symptoms midflight, and of the the courageous flight attendant trying to push her cart over him to complete beverage service.