Wednesday Jokes: January 11th

Bills safety Damar Hamlin was released from a Cincinnati hospital and returned to Buffalo – marking one of the first times a trip to Buffalo in January is considered an upgrade.

Philadelphia’s Chinatown residents and business owners formed a coalition opposed to the Philadelphia 76ers building a new downtown arena, saying it would cause gridlock. They were joined in their opposition to gridlock by hundreds of the city’s carjackers.

Instagram is redesigning their home page. The new, simpler navigation will be split between ‘Tits’ and ‘Other Things’.

Passengers were stuck on an Amtrak train for over 24 hours in South Carolina. In a statement, Southwest Airlines denied reports it had acquired Amtrak.

A Norfolk, Massachusetts man spent $450 on cleaning supplies at Home Depot following the disappearance of his wife. The man denies any involvement, and just wants his wife to come home and get her birthday presents.

Classified government documents were found in a locked closet at the Penn Biden Center, a joint venture think tank between the University of Pennsylvania and President Biden. Far fewer documents were found there than at Donald Trump’s joint venture think tank, the McDonaldland Mar a Lago Center.

Lynette Hardaway, an African-American Trump supporter who, along with her sister Rochelle Richardson, formed conservative duo ‘Diamond & Silk’, passed away. In other news, ‘Blacks For Trump’ announced a name change to ‘A Black For Trump’.

The Federal Aviation Administration grounded all U.S. flights after a computer outage. Things were up & running again after they spent two hours in the tech support queue at Comcast Business Internet.

Pepsi is replacing lemon-lime soda brand Sierra Mist with Starry. They said it sort of rhymes with ‘sorry’, as in “Sorry, we don’t have Sprite, we have Starry”.

New York City nurses are on strike. Greyhound, Bolt Bus and Megabus are all offering express service to Philadelphia & Chicago, cities better equipped to deal with gunshot wounds.

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