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Apple is designing and shipping face shields for medical workers. If you drop and break it they charge $49 to fix it.

New York City schools banned Zoom videoconferencing by teachers, after some uninvited participants to classes showed nudes and other inappropriate content. Though some teachers admitted those were 1-on-1 tutoring sessions for football players.

A tiger at the Bronx Zoo tested positive for COVID-19. Two zoo workers died trying to put the test swab in its nose.

  • Penguins are reportedly furious they’re not big enough celebrities to get tested.

The Surgeon General called the week ahead the U.S.’ “Pearl Harbor moment”. Although, unlike Pearl Harbor, the President knew about this attack for weeks.

New studies reinforce evidence that pinkeye is a predictor for COVID-19 infection, but the CDC is waiting before advising Americans to wear masks on their butts.

Mike Pence’s wife Karen & daughter Charlotte published a children’s book about COVID-19 safety guidelines starring their pet rabbit, Marlon Bundo. Marlon talks about how he keeps six feet away from the gerbil that stays in Mike’s private office.

Singer Pink revealed she’s recovering from her own COVID-19 infection. Between the cough and fever, she thought about changing her name to Red.

Tesla showed off ventilators they’re building using their proprietary technology. They allow patients to remove themselves from the ventilator long enough to brag about having a Tesla.

Nintendo is responding to complaints that Animal Crossing: New Horizons players are finding too many eggs in the game’s ‘Bunny Day’ event. A Nintendo spokesman said ordinarily they’d tell players to “get a life”, but admit nobody can right now.

Etsy is telling its sellers of cloth masks not to make assurances they provide protection against COVID-19. Same goes for those selling homemade condoms.

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Little Caesars is offering free delivery all this week. However, it’s the first time health officials have advised ‘social distancing’ from terrible pizza.

Nintendo is delaying some physical-copy shipments of new community-building game Animal Crossing: New Horizons, while they add new gameplay where nobody in the community gets anything done for at least two months. 

A new viral video craze, ‘the coronavirus challenge’ has emerged, with young people licking doorknobs and toilet seats. This is different from the coronavirus challenge among older people – not dying. 

The European Union is urging Netflix to stop showing video in high definition to keep the Internet stable. In other news, ‘cam girls’ welcome the switch to standard definition streaming since it saves them money on makeup. 

Ivanka Trump urged parents to share fun ways to spend time with their children, like ‘having the nannies put on a show’, ‘watching your servants disinfect the house’, and ‘cheering as grampa insults asians’. 

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx shared a surprise quarantine photo with his family. Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars shared a surprise quarantine photo hooked up to his ventilator. 

Formula 1 Racing’s Monaco Grand Prix has been canceled, after Prince Albert tested positive for COVID-19. Prince Albert will be in a can indefinitely. 

Scientists identified a new species of shark in the West Indian Ocean – six-gill sawsharks.  They have long snouts, external teeth and feelers, and were discovered auditioning for a terrible new movie on SyFy Channel.

Donald Trump will no longer shake hands. He’ll also no longer kiss babies, unless he buys another beauty pageant. 

Westfield Malls announced it’s closing all of its locations, with the exception of “essential” retail outlets. Mall officials will meet with a contingent of douchebags to assess whether Hot Topic will stay open.