Two senior executives resigned from Amazon-owned audiobook company Audible. Insiders say the work environment is hostile toward women, but the reason for the departures won’t be clear until H.R. downloads and listens to their resignation letters.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell signed a five-year contract extension at a rumored $40 million per year. Goodell was asking for $50 million, leaving no doubt that his balls were fully inflated.

• To clear cap space, the league waived 10 janitors and 4 cafeteria ladies.

Raging wildfires continue to spread throughout Southern California, forcing closure of Interstate 405 in the hot zone outside of Los Angeles. It’s gotten so bad, LA drivers opening Google Maps were greeted with thoughts and prayers.

President Trump noticeably slurred his speech during a White House event to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, and to recognize a fizzing glass of water on his nightstand as the capital of his personal dental care.

• A White House spokesperson said that Trump’s slurring was not caused by slipping dentures, but rather by a dry throat caused by swallowing PoliGrip.

Australia’s parliament approved same-sex marriage; with a 62% majority carrying passage of the Bloke-Bloke Sheila-Sheila Bill.

U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley said that sending U.S. athletes to the 2018 Winter Olympics is an “open question”, citing the games’ PyeongChang location just 50 miles from the North Korean border, and the cost of outfitting U.S. bobsleds with missile defense systems.

Astronomers have discovered a supermassive black hole they say is 800 million times as massive as the sun.  No intelligent life could survive there, so Republican congressmen are sponsoring a bill to assign it 50 electoral college votes.

Darlene Bradley, mayor of Davenport, Florida, was arrested for using a dead woman’s handicap parking placard so that she could park in front of city hall. The mayor tried to explain that she needed the space because someone was parked in her sinkhole.

General Electric is cutting 12,000 jobs in its Power Division, and aren’t sure whether to call it a downsizing or a power outage.

Visa spent a year developing a “signature sound” to validate point-of-purchase transactions made with Visa cards. The winner was a less-than-a-second sound that Visa says conveys “speed and convenience”. The runner-up was the less-than-a-second sound of a middle aged man saying “f*ck” when reading his family’s Visa bill.