You Tube’r Gabbie Hanna is being called ‘tone deaf’ for a video where she tells her 7 million followers that they can overcome depression with hobbies like jet skiing. In other news, a dozen teenagers are missing after renting jet skis and never returning.

New Jersey is just days away from instituting a plastic bag & foam container ban. Crackheads will either need to bring their own bag, or carry their purchase in a body cavity of choice.

Comcast/Xfinity & Charter/Spectrum – the U.S.’ two biggest cable tv providers – are teaming up to manufacture & distribute streaming video devices & smart TVs to compete with Roku, Google & Amazon. They say their analysis determined that the streaming hardware space was lacking “terrible customer service”.

Harvard University released a detailed report of its involvement in the U.S. slave trade, including faculty and staff that owned slaves. Harvard said they couldn’t have finished it without the exhaustive research provided by unpaid interns.

Akihiko Kondo, a Japanese man who married a hologram of a 16-year-old girl and identifies as “fictosexual”, said he can’t speak to her anymore because her software is broken. He worries he may never know the results of her pregnancy test.

An 11-year-old Filipino boy was able to survive a landslide by taking refuge in a refrigerator – an ordeal he described as ‘chilling’.

Vice President Kamala Harris is isolating after a positive COVID test. She’s being told to stay away from President Biden – which is on her to-do list every day, anyway.

Warner Brothers Pictures released the first images of actress Margot Robbie in the upcoming film ‘Barbie’. Robbie’s hair & makeup are minimal, but it takes two hours each day to put molded plastic over her crotch with a Mattel trademark.

China reported the first human infection of H3N8 bird flu. Health officials said H3N8 was the order number on the guy’s receipt at KFC.

Firefighters in Washington state were called to rescue a woman who fell into an outhouse toilet trying to retrieve her dropped cell phone. She was hosed down at the scene but was still refused service later that day at the Genius Bar.

Scientists have identified cases of ‘flurona’ – the seasonal flu combined with coronavirus. In one rare case a flurona patient was bitten by a deer tick, giving them Flurona with Lyme.

A new study claims ‘celebrity-obsessed’ people are less intelligent. Study findings are disputed by the Beverly Hills MENSA chapter, who start meetings at 8p so they don’t miss TMZ.

Taco Bell is selling a $10 monthly subscription service where you get one taco a day. For $20 they’ll bring the tacos to you at Planet Fitness.

Pope Francis said couples who don’t have children and adopt pets instead are selfish and harming humanity. That, and priests don’t derive as much enjoyment out of molesting dogs & cats.

An Amazon warehouse worker urged customers not to buy beverages for home shipping, because their weight and shape damage the machines. The machines, in this case, meaning warehouse workers.

After admitting to cheating on ex Khloe Kardashian, Tristan Thompson sent 100 roses to True Thompson, his toddler daughter with her – one for every pending paternity test for which he’s awaiting results.

Two Texas researchers developed an inexpensive COVID vaccine that they believe will solve the dilemma of raising vaccine rates in uneducated, impoverished third-world areas like remote areas of Asia, Africa , and…most of Texas.

Viral video shows a fistfight at Disney’s Hollywood Studios park in the line for the Toy Story Mania ride, where a guest was punched to infinity and beyond.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson vacationed in the Bahamas, while Kanye West went to dinner with new girlfriend Julia Fox in Miami, as their four children continue to enjoy plenty of free time wherever the hell they are.

BMW debuted a 31-inch theater screen, window dimming & surround sound for backseat passengers in its luxury vehicles. The feature is activated when any backseat passenger says the activaton phrase “are we there yet?”

U.S. billionaire and art collector Michael Steinhardt agreed to surrender $70 million in stolen artwork – $69,999,998 in rare portraits & antiquities, along with ‘Dogs Playing Poker’.

Researchers found taking Viagra cuts the risk of Alzheimer’s by up to 69 percent. Sadly the other 31 percent don’t realize they’re walking around with a huge erection.

GOP Congressman Devin Nunes announced he’s resigning to become CEO of Donald Trump’s new social media platform, despite a pre-politics background in dairy farming. Nunes claims to be qualified, since he grew up shoveling bullshit.

Travelers flying to the United States must test negative for COVID-19 a day before their arrival, or get a signed agreement from their dog to share the crate.

The United Arab Emirates announced it’s switching to a 4-and-a-half day work week, and a Saturday/Sunday weekend, to better align with Western cultures. Men look forward to spending the additional time with their kids and wives.

68 ICU doctors & nurses at a Malaga, Spain hospital tested positive for COVID-19 after a superspreader office Christmas party. The most popular ‘stolen’ gifts in the party’s White Elephant swap were gift bags of monoclonal antibodies and Remdesivir.

George Cacioppo, a 64-year-old Sony Playstation executive, was fired after being caught in a sting soliciting sex with a decoy pretending to be a 15-year-old boy. Cacioppo didn’t end up getting the sex, or the Call Of Duty tips he was looking forward to.

Amazon launched subscription service Alexa Together, using Amazon Devices and digital assistants to monitor the health and activities of seniors. Subscribers can simply ask “Alexa, is my rich grandfather dead yet?”

Kyle Rittenhouse appeared on a BlazeTV podcast and said “f**k you Lebron”, over Lebron James’ criticism of Rittenhouse crying on the witness stand. Rittenhouse said he used to be a Lebron fan, because he was also a great shooter.

Zion National Park in Utah announced anyone hiking the Angels Landing rock formation after April, 2022 will have to win a lottery to get a permit. “Congratulations on your fractured skull or broken ankle!” reads the email sent to winners.

A 47-year-old Florida woman died after her husband sued to have her treated with ivermectin. Ironically, she died of heartworms.

Jewelry retailer Pandora is ending their use of mined diamonds and switching to sustainable lab-made diamonds instead. They say this won’t impact the buying habits of cheap husbands & boyfriends who are out of ideas and buy charm bracelets.

A cat with a genetic mutation was born with four ears. It likes having three of them rubbed, and bites if you touch the fourth.

Experts criticized the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial for having him pick juror numbers at random who will decide his fate. They said it went too far when Rittenhouse drew a 13th juror who will be his Secret Santa.

Ob/gyn Dr. Jennifer Gunter, author of The Vagina Bible, debunked a viral claim that women suffer from “winter vagina” – seasonal irritation caused by dry air. This led to an awkward conversation between Santa & Mrs. Claus, who’s been using it as her go-to excuse for several Christmases.

Los Angeles’ Staples Center – home of the NBA Lakers & NHL Kings – is being renamed the Crypto.com Arena. It’s a 20-year deal that will cost over $700 million in real money.

Activist shareholders of video game maker Activision/Blizzard are calling for CEO Bobby Kotick’s resignation, for failing to act on workplace claims of sexual harassment, and for making female soldiers in Call of Duty games wear camouflage bikinis.

CDC data show drug overdose deaths reached record highs during the pandemic – meaning so did drug abusers, kinda.

The CDC data showed the leading cause of overdose death was fentanyl, and the rarest death was one guy who really got carried away with Nugenix.

Attendees at the Baby2Baby charity gala in Los Angeles – dedicated to helping children in poverty – audibly groaned when Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos only donated $500,000. In a gift code.

The FDA ordered stronger warnings to patients receiving breast implants, advising of the risks from possible lymphoma, and further risks from rupture of the implants, bras, t-shirts & sweaters.

The FDA warnings will be printed on boxes containing the implants, because apparently savvy boob shoppers buy them at Big Lots before taking them to a surgeon for installation.

Facebook changed its corporate name to Meta, emphasizing its shift to the Metaverse, an immersive virtual reality where you have hundreds of friends, but only a handful like anything you do there.

A Broward County, Florida school board member organized an elementary school field trip to visit Rosie’s, a famous area gay bar. Outraged parents questioned the trip, before realizing how many of the kids now have offers for after-school server & kitchen jobs.

‘Jenny’, a half-mile long trapping system, removed 63,000 pounds of trash from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch – now it will be recalibrated to remove things other than ThighMasters and old VHS porno movies.

South Korean intelligence services report North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un has lost 20 kilograms, but remains healthy. He’s practicing KETO – Killing Every Treasonous Opponent.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania woman gave birth to a baby boy while in a car on Interstate 476. Labor took around 10 minutes, but would have been even faster if she had EZ Pass.

After a video showing an unknown woman exiting the back of his delivery van went viral, Amazon terminated the driver. He then received an email from the woman estimating his severance package will be delivered in about nine months.

Joe Biden is considering $450,000 payments to families separated at the U.S.’ southern border. But they’ve already rejected dozens of claims from lazy millennials seeking to cash in by walking around El Paso asking where their parents are.

Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was charged with misdemeanor sexual misconduct. Cuomo will respond to the charges once he meets with and fondles his attorney.

Clinical trials show a drug commonly used to treat constipation, Prucalopride, improves memory in test subjects. Online message boards report a huge surge in people taking the drug, then taking the Jeopardy! Online Test while on the toilet.

Facebook, Instagram & WhatsApp all experienced a massive outage on Monday, leading to a steep drop in home-cooked Monday night dinners since they couldn’t be photographed & shared online.

Former White House advisor Stephanie Grisham says in her new tell-all book that Melania Trump wanted to send full-length mirrors to African children “so they could see they’re very strong”. But she was also worried damages in shipment would lead to their having seven years of bad luck.

Amazon is starting their Black Friday deals early, due to “supply chain issues” – which is what they call bathroom breaks for warehouse workers.

Amazon is also instituting a $10 fee for grocery deliveries from its Whole Foods subsidiary. They say the fee includes delivery drivers telling customers which organic produce in the order is already rotten.

Rapper Boosie Badazz confirmed he’d been kicked off the Legendz Of The Streetz mega-tour because of an onstage fight and a shooting during his appearance at a Baltimore club. Promoters told him to come back once he’s Boosie ResponsibleAzz.

Dr. Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young continues her battle over their divorce settlement, claiming Dre had at least three mistresses while married. Proceedings have dragged on for months due to time involved for her lawyers to ‘depose dese hos’.

NASA’s DART mission – Double Asteroid Redirection Test – will deliberately crash a spacecraft into an asteroid to alter its path near Earth. The mission will be captained by one of the only NASA astronauts with several confirmed DUIs.

Sarah Silverman criticized the casting of non-Jewish actors to play Jewish roles. Because there aren’t enough Jewish people involved in making decisions in Hollywood.

Major League Baseball’s Cleveland Guardians – formerly Indians – will continue to sell Indians merchandise and donate the proceeds to Native American charities. They’ll also sell Guardians merchandise, but donate most of it to third-world countries.

Pfizer says its COVID vaccine is safe and effective for children as young as 5. Kindergarten teachers report an increasing number of students playing ‘house’ having domestic disputes over who’s getting it.

A gunman at a Russian university killed 8 people. He was offered a scholarship by several universities in the Southern U.S.

Actor Seth Rogen criticized the Emmy Awards for allowing attendees to sit inside without wearing masks. Rogen then went outside and treated his healthy lungs to some weed.

Amazon is releasing its new Kindle Paperwhite e-readers, following a successful field trial with women and men using them while walking 0.5mph on the treadmill you’re waiting to use at the gym.

SpaceX founder Elon Musk mocked President Joe Biden for failing to congratulate the first all-civilian SpaceX crew who orbited Earth and returned Saturday. The mission raised $200 million for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and even more for Musk.

Zoos are immunizing large mammals for COVID-19, deciding it’s the best route to take after multiple zookeepers lost limbs trying to put masks on tigers and gorillas.

Pregnant Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott took daughter Stormi to the Houston Zoo. As a rhino walked away, Stormi pointed and said “Aunt Kim!”

Former UFC fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller was arrested and taken to a Los Angeles jail, where he was booked as Jason “Domestic Violence & Resisting Arrest” Miller.

Amazon is casting a tv commercial featuring Buffalo Bills fans, where they’ll pay a fan $1,100 to dive on, and break, a folding table. Casting agents expect to take about three years to sift through 70,000 audition videos.

A mother at a Texas school board meeting objected to a middle school library book for its depiction of anal sex. The district removed two copies of the book, but is waiting for ten more copies that kids checked out immediately following the mother’s speech.

San Francisco is paying $300 to parolees and other residents deemed “high risk” if they don’t shoot someone or get shot. One condition is that they don’t use the money for down payment on a handgun.

The new Apple Watch is reportedly running into production problems, which they’re calling “Back To School” for factory workers.

Texas’ new restrictive abortion law means women seeking an abortion will have to travel an average of 496 miles to get one in a different state. Southwest Airlines is offering limited-time $79 one-way ‘Don’t Ruin Your Life’ Fares.

A small group of women in Kabul protested for equal rights in Afghanistan. Then the Taliban showed up, and it was a smaller group of women.

91-year-old Former Roman Catholic Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, stripped of his title by Pope Francis, will go on trial for sexually assaulting a teen boy 50 years ago. McCarrick looks forward to his day in court, but expressed he’s not really into that guy anymore.

ABBA is releasing new music and will stage a concert where the members are represented on-stage as avatars. The avatars will be the Flintstones & Rubbles, and the concert will be called ABBA Dabba Doo.

Amazon is hoping to solve a delivery driver shortage by reminding applicants that they don’t screen for marijuana use. “Great, let us know about opioids and alcohol!” say other prospective hires.

Ownership of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills have released initial details of a proposed new 60,000 seat stadium. Critics expressed disappointment that the stadium will not have a roof, and is located in Buffalo.

Cannabis smoking lounges are growing in popularity in Illinois, owing to the state’s legalization of recreational use, and as some of the few locations where fans can purchase Phish and Blue Oyster Cult tickets.

Michael Davies, executive producer of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?‘, will take over fired Jeopardy! e.p. Mike Richards job. As for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, it’s “everyone who successfully sued Mike Richards for sexual harassment”.

After a man shot several people at a party in Fort Worth, Texas, partygoers defended themselves by throwing garden stones at the shooter, killing him. The police report lists the witnesses as Stoner 1, Stoner 2, Stoner 3…

Actress Busy Philipps says her daughter, Birdie, has been cast in a non-binary acting role for a new Amazon Prime series. Since she’s non-binary, she’ll be paid a full salary some days, and 72% of the salary on other days.

The Mayor of Orange County, Florida – home to Disney World – said they’re in ‘crisis mode’ because of a surge in Delta Variant COVID cases. It’s so bad, It’s A Small World is even smaller because of the hospitalization of singing child robots.

The Congressional Investigative Committee on the January 6th Riots kicked off Tuesday, with testimony from the Capitol Police force – requiring a 50% increase in the daily donut delivery to the House of Representatives.

Britney Spears officially petitioned for a new conservator to replace her father, although her new attorneys are attempting to persuade her out of her first choice, Santa Claus.

Naomi Osaka was eliminated in the third round of the Tokyo Olympics tennis competition, in the most Japanese sports headline ever.

The NCAA’s Southeast Conference is meeting to discuss adding the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners athletic programs. Discussion is expected to center on money, and whether the conference grade point average could possibly go any lower.

The CDC plans to recommend everyone in a school setting from grades Kindergarten through 12 wear a mask. They’re also recommending younger kids and teachers learn the phrase “I REALLY need to use the bathroom” in sign language.

Campbell’s Soup cans are getting their first redesign in 50 years, with the Campbell’s name getting a “modernized logo structure” and “mm mm good” replaced by “not just for geezers”.

Some U.S. airports are running out of fuel for planes. As a result, Spirit Airlines will charge passengers an extra $49 if they don’t help push-start jets toward the runway.

Rodney Alcala, a serial murderer known as The Dating Game Killer, died in prison before he could be executed. The Wheel Of Fortune killer RE_AI_S AT LAR_E.

A woman who matched with a January 6th rioter on dating app Bumble turned him in to federal authorities. She wanted to meet at a coffee shop, he wanted to break into her house with dozens of his friends.

Doctors, nurses and other medical workers are demanding that all health care professionals get COVID-19 vaccines, except for maybe hospice caregivers because, well, you know..

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania contractor was fined for employing minors at his roofing company. He was reported after a customer saw him carrying a worker up a ladder on his shoulders as he held a Fisher-Price toolbox.

Las Vegas Police solved a 1989 cold case murder using a record-low volume of DNA cells – determining the killer was the victim’s cousin, who died in 1996. Jury selection begins next week for the trial of the suspect’s skeleton.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards – who is allergic to beestings – was briefly hospitalized after walking into a beehive. Her costars all walked into the same hive a day later after noticing Kyle’s fuller lips.

Rapper Lizzo posted a viral TikTok video twerking while wearing popular new “booty lifting” $19 Seasum leggings from Amazon. The leggings are also popular with Amazon warehouse workers because they, too, do a lot of heavy lifting.

The NFL’s Houston Texans appear to have reversed course and may trade disgruntled QB Deshaun Watson, who’s been named in over 20 sexual assault allegations. He’s been sued so many times, the league may put up a testimony tent next to the concussion one.

NBC Universal is being torched for putting Team USA Men’s Basketball opening-round Olympic loss to France on its struggling streaming service, Peacock. A spokesman said they put it on Peacock because they didn’t want viewers to miss the air fryer infomercial on CNBC.

It’s so hot at the Tokyo Olympics, Russian tennis player Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova shoved bags of ice up her skirt during changeovers. “Uh oh” said her boyfriend.