Comcast Xfinity cable subscribers in Philadelphia experienced a service outage on Super Bowl Sunday afternoon. A spokesperson said vandalism was to blame, for a change.

The Philadelphia Eagles reportedly signed a two-week contract with Miami Dolphins defensive coordinator Vic Fangio to help prepare for the Super Bowl. The Eagles terminating the contract at halftime turned out to be a bad idea.

Background extras filming Joker 2 filed a complaint with the Screen Actors Guild over not getting bathroom breaks. Others complained they were only permitted to use the bathroom after correctly answering brain teasers from The Riddler.

A Pennsylvania tree service was fined over $100,000 after one of their workers died falling into a wood chipper. Asked at a hearing what remained of the body, the owner replied “not mulch”.

A Yale Economics professor suggested Japan solve its aging population problem by having the elderly commit mass suicide. He suggested ‘seppuku’ – disembowlment with a sword – but admits seniors eating 7-Eleven sushi makes more sense.

81-year-old Martha Stewart said she’s gifting a case of her wine, Martha’s Lighter Chard, to all of the “significant males in her life” for Valentine’s Day. Although the dogs probably can’t open the bottles.

Retired NFL player Adrian Peterson said he spoke to Damar Hamlin after criticizing the jacket Hamlin wore to the Super Bowl as “blasphemous”. Peterson said he would honor Hamlin by taking a new CPR class where victims are revived by beating them with a stick.

A Harvard-trained psychologist published 8 ‘toxic phrases’ that indicate your relationship is in trouble, including: “you’re pathetic”; “I hate you’; and “I don’t care what you think, I’m buying the Barry Manilow tickets.”

Barney the purple dinosaur is returning to tv as an animated character. His theme song has updated lyrics – “I love you, you love me…I no longer identify as ‘he’ “…

A 1908 Harley-Davidson sold for $935,000, making it the most expensive motorcycle ever sold at auction. The event was also noteworthy because the 110-year-old Hell’s Angels biker who owned it was arrested selling meth to an undercover cop.