Comcast Xfinity cable subscribers in Philadelphia experienced a service outage on Super Bowl Sunday afternoon. A spokesperson said vandalism was to blame, for a change.

The Philadelphia Eagles reportedly signed a two-week contract with Miami Dolphins defensive coordinator Vic Fangio to help prepare for the Super Bowl. The Eagles terminating the contract at halftime turned out to be a bad idea.

Background extras filming Joker 2 filed a complaint with the Screen Actors Guild over not getting bathroom breaks. Others complained they were only permitted to use the bathroom after correctly answering brain teasers from The Riddler.

A Pennsylvania tree service was fined over $100,000 after one of their workers died falling into a wood chipper. Asked at a hearing what remained of the body, the owner replied “not mulch”.

A Yale Economics professor suggested Japan solve its aging population problem by having the elderly commit mass suicide. He suggested ‘seppuku’ – disembowlment with a sword – but admits seniors eating 7-Eleven sushi makes more sense.

81-year-old Martha Stewart said she’s gifting a case of her wine, Martha’s Lighter Chard, to all of the “significant males in her life” for Valentine’s Day. Although the dogs probably can’t open the bottles.

Retired NFL player Adrian Peterson said he spoke to Damar Hamlin after criticizing the jacket Hamlin wore to the Super Bowl as “blasphemous”. Peterson said he would honor Hamlin by taking a new CPR class where victims are revived by beating them with a stick.

A Harvard-trained psychologist published 8 ‘toxic phrases’ that indicate your relationship is in trouble, including: “you’re pathetic”; “I hate you’; and “I don’t care what you think, I’m buying the Barry Manilow tickets.”

Barney the purple dinosaur is returning to tv as an animated character. His theme song has updated lyrics – “I love you, you love me…I no longer identify as ‘he’ “…

A 1908 Harley-Davidson sold for $935,000, making it the most expensive motorcycle ever sold at auction. The event was also noteworthy because the 110-year-old Hell’s Angels biker who owned it was arrested selling meth to an undercover cop.

Vladimir Putin decreed plans to annex four territories to make them officially part of Russia – three in occupied Ukraine, and Mar-a-Lago.

Lebron James is buying a Major League Pickleball team. “I will be taking my talents to Miami” said the team’s 79-year-old captain.

Google announced that its Maps navigation app will ‘vibe check’ new neighborhoods you’re visiting, based on artificial intelligence and user feedback. Drivers exploring new Philadelphia and Chicago neighborhoods report getting lots of ‘carjack vibes’.

A study claims the average person has sex 5,778 times in a lifetime. Women report the 5,778 sexual encounters lead to roughly four orgasms.

A new docuseries ‘I Love You, You Hate Me’ explores the dark side of children’s show Barney & Friends, including the purple dinosaur’s illicit workplace relationship with costar Baby Bop.

Amazon is rolling out the first major software update for its $999 robot dog, Astro. Owners are hopeful it will reduce incidents of the dog pissing on the rug.

Mark Zuckerberg’s Little-League baseball card sold for $120,000. The back of the card listed Zuckerberg’s personal statistics, and instructions on how to access the personal information of several billion other people.

Elon Musk said Tesla’s Cybertruck – arriving in 2023 – will be able to temporarily serve as a boat. “Wow, just in the nick of time!” said residents of Florida’s Gulf Coast.

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Los Angeles landed in Texas because a female passenger repeatedly yelled “we’re all going to die!” The woman explained that by ‘we’ she meant everyone else who ordered the chicken salad snack box.

Apple executive Tony Blevins, vice president of procurement, is leaving the company after appearing in a Tik Tok video saying he “has rich cars, plays golf, and fondles big-breasted women” for a living. Blevins now plans to pursue a career in rap.