Sprint and T-Mobile called off merger plans. Conference calls to discuss the deal kept dropping.

Supermodel Kate Upton married Houston Astros pitching ace Justin Verlander in Tuscany, just days after the Astros’ World Series win. Verlander missed the Astros victory parade, but still managed to see some big floats.

Gonorrhea rates are up 63% in Australia over the last five years, as Health Dept. authorities there express concern over the emergence of skinnier, sexier kangaroos.

Former NASCAR champion Matt Kenseth announced his retirement, citing inability to find a sponsor. Kenseth said he never thought his career would take such a right turn.

Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman in 40 years to win the women’s division of the NYC Marathon, as ICE agents throughout the course touted a successful roundup of Kenyans.

Pharmacy giant CVS plans to offer next-day delivery of prescription drugs nationwide, and may offer same-day delivery in some urban markets, in an effort to stave off competition from Amazon and those sketchy guys who hang out on the corner.

Utah passed a bill to change their anti-bigamy law. Current Utah law says bigamy applies when a married man “spiritually” weds another woman, leading thousands of men to request divorces from women they spiritually married for a hundred bucks.

Scientists have discovered a 30-meter ‘void’ in the Great Pyramid of Giza. Further investigation is required to determine whether it’s a Pharoah Cave or Scrapbooking Room.

President Trump arrived in Japan, and was presented with a gift from Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe – a custom hat embroidered with the slogan ‘Donald & Shinzo – Make Alliance Even Greater’. Trump said it reminded him of the slogan on favors from his wedding, ‘Donald & Melania – She Signed the Prenup’.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania say the number of assaults go up by nearly 3 percent once Daylight Savings Time ends in early November, and that’s just counting their latest bus ride back to campus in Philadelphia on Sunday.