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Kim Kardashian West said on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ that she was on ecstasy when she made her infamous sex tape. Her sex tape co-star, Ray J, was also on ecstasy that day — a stripper named Ecstasy. 

British researchers published a study claiming that increased use of self-driving cars could lead to more sex on the road — making Uber rides even more dangerous for women when the drivers don’t have to worry about steering. 

Rihanna’s fans were upset by singer Chris Brown – who’d been charged with felony assault for hitting her 10 years ago – commenting on Rihanna’s sexy topless Instagram photo. He posted an ‘eyes wide open’ emoji after deleting his original comment ‘can’t beat that!’

New Jersey police removed a man from Cheerleaders strip club in Gloucester City after he bought $150 in lap dances despite having only $11 cash — ten loose dimes and a roll of quarters that bruised one of the dancers.

General Motors announced it’s closing four manufacturing plants and terminating 15% of salaried executives to generate $6 billion in cash flow. Shares of GM rose 5% on the news; Christmas lists of GM workers’ kids were slashed 40%. 

The Washington Post reports President Trump is now focused on the ballooning federal deficit – deepening in large part due to his tax cuts – and ways to fix it. Aides say his top idea is to declare bankruptcy, close the U.S.A. and reopen under a new name. 

A husky dog missing from its home in Brooklyn, New York for 18 months was found outside of Tampa, Florida and will be returned home. The dog is just happy to get our of Florida, but is happy he got the opportunity to vote while he was there. 

The U.S. Postal Service confirmed that they exposed the data of over 60 million users. Hackers, however, are having difficulty monetizing the names and addresses of old people mailing birthday & sympathy cards. 

Hospitals in China are denying they delivered the first gene-edited babies, after reports of their birth surfaced from MIT and the Associated Press. “These are just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, blue-eyed blond haired Chinese babies” said a hospital exec. 

Smash hit video game Red Dead Redemption 2 is launching its online multiplayer game in beta. Players can now shoot other cowboys in the Old West, or, if that doesn’t work, they can move to Florida and shoot whatever they want. 

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Supermodel Chrissy Teigen told Cosmopolitan that she thinks she’s been drinking too much and wants to ‘fix’ her drinking habit. She made the determination when her breast-feeding 1 year-old daughter drove her tricycle into a tree and was arrested on suspicion of DUI.

President Trump addressed the nation on Monday, saying he was sending 4,000 additional troops to Afghanistan – just as soon as work is completed on the new 4,000-room Trump Tower Kabul.

A spokesperson for skier Lindsey Vonn said that the leaked nude photos of Vonn and ex-boyfriend Tiger Woods are a “despicable invasion of privacy.” Woods was just happy to show off his six iron.

A British Airways passenger was forced to sit on a urine-soaked seat for the duration of an 11-hour flight from London to Cape Town. “Me too” said the infant who rode in the seat on the prior flight.

Snack bar company KIND dumped 45,000 pounds of sugar in Times Square to make a statement about child sugar intake and obesity – and in the process helping out dozens of bee families, hungry from a day of sightseeing in New York.

Six Flags Amusement Parks will no longer display Confederate flags. Instead they will fly six American flags at half-mast to honor park visitors who have been thrown off of their roller coasters.

German police arrested two men on drug trafficking charges, and confiscated thousands of orange ecstasy pills made in the shape of Donald Trump’s head. The dealers admitted they chose Trump’s head to let buyers know that they’d be happier but way, way stupider.

McDonald’s announced that they were cancelling franchise agreements with 139 of their restaurants in India. Since McDonald’s in India won’t sell beef or pork, you can pretty much figure out that the fries must have really sucked.

Reshma Saujani, the CEO of non-profit Girls Who Code, told CNN that women create businesses to solve problems, whereas men create companies to “replace their mothers”. The statement was promptly condemned by the Founder/CEOs of Merry Maids and Jersey Mike’s Sandwiches.

The State of Oregon, which had promised free community college tuition for all new students, doesn’t have the money and will have to turn some students away. The state’s Secretary of Education will take a gap year to figure out what to do with his life.