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Netflix lost 200,000 subscribers, and said password sharing was partially to blame for putting their quarterly totals in the Upside Down.

Popeyes plans to open 200 new restaurants, and will incorporate a new restaurant design with more defibrillators, and more open space for fistfights when they roll out new menu items.

The FDA is investigating reports of people experiencing stomach pain, vomiting & diarrhea after eating Lucky Charms. However, the leprechaun is happy he’s found a way to keep people from stealing them.

Amy Schumer said her trichotillomania – which caused her to obsessively pull out her hair during her teen years – made her feel “unlovable” and “not great at spelling her disease”.

Moderna said they’re releasing an updated COVID booster shot this fall, that better combats virus variants while making the tracking chip 50% smaller.

Lizzo said she’s in a relationship. Then, when the pizza was gone, said she’s single again.

The USFL Pittsburgh Maulers cut running back De’Veon Smith because he ordered pizza instead of chicken salad at the team cafeteria. The team said the $20 for the pizza forced them to declare bankruptcy.

A woman’s viral Tik Tok video tells how she suffered a panic attack because her tattoo artist talked inappropriately about her while she was topless. The tattoo artist defended his remarks, saying they were on treadmills at Planet Fitness.

Uber will no longer require face masks, so passengers can more clearly hear how they’re being sexually harassed.

Workout apparel giant Lululemon plans to grow to over $12 billion in sales by growing sales to men and launching a resale program for gently used yoga pants and sports bras – mainly by selling them to creepy men.

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Jeffrey Epstein’s private Caribbean islands are listed for sale at $125 million. But because of their sordid history, they may sell for under 18.

Amidst a wave in Spring Break violence, Miami Beach is banning alcohol sales after 6pm. College drinkers are invited to join senior citizens getting hammered at the Early Bird Special.

Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, texted White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows to encourage him to overthrow the 2020 Presidential Election. She would have texted Trump directly, but since she’s 65 and weighs over 150 pounds, Trump wouldn’t give her his number.

570,000 chickens will be culled because of a bird flu outbreak on a Nebraska poultry farm, unless the chickens win an 11th-hour reprieve from the Governor.

A man punched a Southwest Airlines gate agent after being removed from his flight departing Atlanta. He was arrested, jailed, and picked a window seat.

Uber reached a deal to list all New York City taxis on its app – giving cabbies the equal opportunity they’ve sought to sexually harass female passengers.

Netflix will air The Comedy Store’s tribute to Bob Saget as a special this June. A Netflix spokesperson said that after giving Jeff Foxworthy a new special, people will eager to watch an hour-long show about a dead guy.

Russian President Vladimir Putin blamed “cancel culture” for sanctions against Russia taken by countries opposing his invasion of Ukraine. Putin’s edgy hot take earned him a headlining weekend with four shows at Moscow’s Chuckle Dungeon comedy club.

After 50 years, a sample of the Moon’s surface from the 1972 Apollo 17 mission was opened by NASA for testing. The test was a success, as the dust sample was sucked up in no time by a new Dyson hand vacuum.

Scientists determined how boa constrictors keep breathing while squeezing and suffocating their prey. It took a while because the scientist who published the report was still pretty upset watching a snake kill three of his coworkers.

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A family of wild bobcats is living on a woman’s front porch in the Arizona suburbs. Wildlife officials warned the woman not to feed them. She doesn’t, but is concerned that they’ve already been getting Amazon and Doordash deliveries.

Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary. In other news, fellow Justice Stephen Breyer just gave Clarence Thomas his first marijuana gummy bear.

Downtown Philadelphia now has multiple marijuana dispensaries and just one fast-food burger restaurant. Uber drivers are getting rich driving high customers from one to the other.

The New York Yankees made 70-year-old Gwen Goldman a batgirl for Monday’s game, 60 years after they turned her down because she was a girl, and because she refused to go drinking with Mickey Mantle.

Dion Cini, who unfurled ‘Trump Won’ banners at several Major League Baseball stadiums, has been banned from all MLB games & facilities. He’ll now unfurl the banners in the minors in hope of working his way back up to the big leagues.

Ireland is limiting ‘indoor hospitality’ to vaccinated citizens only, due to fear that the Delta variant of COVID-19 could be spread during drunken bar brawls.

Philadelphia 76ers play-by-play announcer Marc Zumoff announced his retirement. Zumoff was lauded by the team for his consummate professionalism during his 27-year run, capped off by his ability to not curse at Ben Simmons in the 2021 Playoffs.

The man who jumped out of a taxiing American Airlines jet at LAX said he “smoked a lot of meth” before boarding. He did so after realizing he wasn’t flying Spirit Airlines so he couldn’t buy and smoke it in-flight.

Citizens are concerned that President Kim Jong Un has lost as much as 50 pounds. They’re not sure if it’s caused by illness, or the all-new North Korean Noom.

The Algerian Coast Guard found 1,000 pounds of cocaine floating in the ocean, then celebrated the retirement of everyone in the Algerian Coast Guard.

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President Biden will form a task force to reunite immigrant families separated at the Southern Border, then he’ll sign an Executive Order requiring them to use the Buddy System.

Dolly Parton turned down two offers from former President Donald Trump to award her the Presidential Medal of Freedom – one to present the medal, and another to retrieve it after it slipped between her breasts.

A couple was ejected from their courtside seats at the Atlanta Hawks/Los Angeles Lakers game following an argument with Lebron James. The Hawks had no issue with removing the fans, but filed a grievance for James being awarded two free throws.

A 41-year-old ‘peeping tom’ was arrested after falling through the ceiling of the ladies locker room of a Virginia gym. The suspect said he fell while scrambling to get out before the senior ladies aquacize class ended.

Uber is acquiring alcohol delivery service Drizly for $1.1 billion – so now you can pair your Uber Eats delivery with a half-empty bottle of liquor.

‘The Bachelor‘ Matt James removed contestant Anna Redman from the show for spreading rumors about other women. James said he wanted to create a ‘safe space’ in the Bachelorette house for the dozens of women banging him.

Atlanta rapper Silento, best known for ‘Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)’, is charged with the shooting murder of his cousin. He’s scheduled to appear in court and is expected to plead Nae Guilty.

McDonald’s is bringing back the Shamrock Shake on February 15th. For the next two weeks workers will be trained to treat customers whose lungs collapse trying to suck it through a straw.

Scientists studying fossilized teeth claim Neanderthals and humans lived among each other and had sex over 40,000 years ago. They cited common traits of the respective teeth, and bite marks on humans’ shoulders when things got a little crazy.

Canadian Mike Jack set the Guinness World Record for speed-eating three Carolina Reaper peppers in 9.72 seconds on his 12th attempt. Jack also holds the world record for the most rectum-replacement surgeries.

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A Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputy was recorded via his collar mic having sex with a woman on the Universal Studios lot. He was fired from the Sheriffs Department, but is now executive producer of four different movies.

The White House sent instructions to staffers on preparations to depart their jobs in January. They’ve ordered 500 more cases of Diet Coke for workers to pour on their laptops.

COVID-19 has reached Antarctica, according to a seal who said he couldn’t smell or taste the penguin he just ate.

Hip-hop artist Travis Scott gave away over 2,000 toys to needy children in his hometown of Houston, then shared bedroom pictures of baby mama Kylie Jenner to their 2,000 needy dads.

Passengers from a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 claim that they, too, are exhibiting symptoms. United said they’ll try to help the passengers, but as of now they’re still in Vaccine Group 7.

Israel’s parliament failed to pass a federal budget, despite what observers call the most amazingly lengthy display of haggling they’ve ever seen.

Fast food chain KFC partnered with Intel to launch the KFConsole – a game console that keeps your chicken warm. Gamers are hoping the games are powered by voice commands, since they can’t use a controller in their grease-soaked hands.

Uber is donating 10 million rides for people getting the COVID-19 vaccine, and also giving away some extra money to passengers suing Uber for their driver’s sexual harassment on the way to getting a vaccine.

The Delta passenger who jumped out of a taxiing aircraft’s emergency exit at Laguardia Airport told police he “was about to lose control”. Luckily he was able to pull himself together long enough to slide out of a moving jet.

The Food & Drug Administration approved the use of a special genetically-modified pig to study allergic reactions in humans. However, animal rights activists are objecting to studies gauging the pig’s reactions to food at Golden Corral.

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A woman taking selfies on a closed Grand Canyon trail fell to her death. The photos were uploaded to her account on Instaslam.

The NFL’s Washington Redskins are exploring new names. Odds of a name change actually happening are even money at Native American casinos.

London reopened pubs with few restrictions on social distancing and mask-wearing. Residents are confident that if they get sick at a London pub, it’ll be from the food.

In multiple cities, protestors tossed commercial fireworks at cops. The cops didn’t return fire because they were enjoying the Neil Diamond and Lee Greenwood songs that protestors played as the fireworks exploded.

Kanye West announced he’s running for president of the U.S. It’s unclear if he’s serious, but if he wins, no one’s expecting the White House to stay that way.

A recent poll found 27% of Americans would reject a free coronavirus vaccine. They’re doing a new poll to see if the numbers improve if they can pick out a toy or get ice cream after.

A resident of Florida contracted a brain-eating amoeba. #Starving is now trending on Twitter for three straight days.

Repeated exposure to nighttime fireworks can cause anxiety and memory loss – like remembering how many fingers you used to have.

Rideshare giant Uber is acquiring food delivery service Postmates for $2.65 billion and no tip.

The surge in hard seltzer sales has led to more people using them to make ‘spiked popsicles’. Which, in turn, has led to more & more kids passed out and puking next to the monkey bars.

 

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Shanghai Disneyland reopened, challenging even the most expert Chinese photographers to frame selfies with Mickey Mouse while he stands six feet away.

Uber informed 3,500 customer support employees via Zoom calls that they were being terminated, saying there aren’t enough riders being sexually harassed by drivers to keep them busy.

Europe’s only seeing-eye guide pony had to retire from service after eating maple leaves, which are toxic to them. He survived, but he’s still a little hoarse. [Story h/t to J.H.!]

White Claw is introducing reduced-calorie White Claw 70, for weight-conscious pussies.

Boeing’s CEO appeared on the Today Show and said he thinks the COVID-19 pandemic will cause one major airline to shut down. He wouldn’t say which one, but said pretty much everybody hopes it’s Spirit.

Facebook and Instagram are celebrating the Class of 2020 during the Week of May 11th. Graduates can find special features on Instagram, and can avoid their parents & grandparents by not going on Facebook.

LinkedIn added user polls and video events, giving self-promoting suck-ups two more things for you to roll your eyes at when you visit the site.

An 11-year-old Brazilian boy became the first to ever land a 1080-degree flip off a standard ramp on a skateboard. Since he’s been blowing off homeschool math to practice, he figures that’s about six full rotations.

A 17-ton piece of a failed Chinese rocket that launched May 5 crashed back down to Earth, landing in the Atlantic Ocean west of Africa, sending a Chinese 7th grader back to the drawing board for next year’s Science Fair.

A new phishing scam involves fake Zoom & videoconference portals to steal personal information. Users should be on the lookout for services that look like Zoom, but where the host asks participants to introduce themselves with their social security number.

 

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Actor Dennis Quaid, 65, confirmed he’s engaged to 26-year-old Laura Savoie. Savoie had previously dated Jeremy Piven right up until she watched Piven’s stand-up comedy act.

  • Actor Randy Quaid announced his engagement to a 21-year-old black bear he met while hiking in the woods.

TMZ reports actress Lori Loughlin is more likely to take a plea deal in her college admissions trial. She’s reportedly scared by Felicity Huffman’s 14-day prison sentence, and more scared of wearing that green prison suit Huffman was photographed in.

A St. Louis high school cancelled the remainder of their undefeated football season after finding out the coach suited up a suspended player with a new number and identity. The player was identified by his tattoos, and by the funny nose/moustache/glasses he wore.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos visited a Washington D.C. school. One student asked “Who’s Jeff Bezos?” The teacher replied, “ask your Dad, Barron.”

The cast of ‘Facts of Life’ – Tootie, Blair, Natalie & Jo – will reunite for a Lifetime Holiday movie, “Facts of Menopause Christmas”.

Google Maps will now allow drivers to report slowdowns, police speed traps, and road hazards – like the rear-end collisions they experience while staring at their phone reporting slowdowns and police speed traps.

Miley Cyrus defended her “you don’t have to be gay” comment about distrusting men, reaffirming her belief that being gay is not a choice, and her prioritization of the LGBTQ community that she is a part of when she feels like it.

A meth addict living in a suburban Philadelphia halfway house ordered uranium because he thought it would be cool to pose with it and share a photo on social media. He’s now being treated for smoking uranium.

A National Bureau of Economic Research study finds 60 percent of Uber riders don’t tip, and women tip less than men, possibly because they’re terrified.

Under Armour founder Kevin Plank is resigning as CEO amidst the company’s loss in market share, and as he struggles to explain why they’re still called Under Armour even though most of their stuff is worn on the outside.

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The U.S. Army may change the eligibility rules for burial in Arlington National Cemetery. One rule expected to remain unchanged is that you need to be dead.

The original crossbreeder of Labradoodle dogs says he regrets creating “Frankenstein’s monster”, citing his opinion that the dogs are either crazy or have a hereditary problem. His complaints are echoed by the guy who spent years trying to cross Great Danes and Chihuahuas.

A woman author, Katee Robert, released a new series of books, Wicked Villains, that feature Disney villains in kinky erotic scenarios. They’re so hot, Donald Duck walked in on Daisy Duck reading one with her pants off.

The NBA is reportedly requiring all teams to certify player’s height & weight during the first week of training camp. “Fine, but what’s with the fingerprints and DNA samples?” asked NBA players.

Inspire Brands, owner of Sonic, Arby’s and Buffalo Wild Wings, is acquiring Jimmy John’s sandwich shops. Inspire’s CEO said they wanted another brand to give customers heart disease, but a lot slower.

A gas station owner in Maryland has completely transitioned it to charging electric vehicles. The owner said he was frustrated with the way petroleum suppliers structured contracts, and that he wasn’t meeting enough douchebags.

The Anti-Defamation League said in a new report that the “OK” hand gesture is now a hate symbol. So stick to “thumbs up” at your kid’s soccer game to tell them they’re doing a great job.

Residents of San Francisco neighborhoods are trying to keep the homeless off the streets in front of their homes by placing large boulders on the sidewalk. They say the idea came from not seeing any homeless drug addicts in Bedrock.

Facebook will hide the number of Likes a post gets in order to minimize envy. Users will now just post how many Likes they got from previous posts in order to restore envy.

Uber is creating an incubator for new business ideas – because they want to give business opportunities to leering creeps who don’t own or drive a car.