Wendy’s will sell canned chili in grocery stores – now that they’ve finally figured out how to get four-day-old hamburgers from their kitchens to a food processing plant.

Tucker Carlson was reportedly fired from Fox News after a video emerged of him calling a woman “yummy”; a second video calling his female viewers “post-menopausal”; and worse, a third video calling a female Fox News anchor “liberal”.

Montana state legislators banned transgender Democrat Zooey Zephyr from the house floor for procedural violations. Zephyr will also have to wait longer for lunch since Republicans voted to form the cafeteria line in alphabetical order.

An employee at a Chicago-area Popeye’s restaurant was captured on video dumping food on the floor and destroying the eatery because he hadn’t been paid in a month. No word on an arrest, but coworkers describe him as “strong to the finach”.

22-year-old female conjoined twins Lupita & Carmen Andrade share a torso and lower body. Carmen has a boyfriend named Daniel; Lupita considers herself asexual, which is probably for the best since her sex partner would need to take turns with Daniel.

ESPN fired baseball reporter Marly Rivera after an incident at Yankee Stadium caught on video where she called another female reporter a “f***ing c**t”. ESPN said Rivera’s language has no place on a baseball diamond before the game starts.

Daytime tv legend Jerry Springer expressed his ‘final thought’ at age 79.

Springer was mourned by Maury Povich, who declared Springer IS THE FATHER of daytime trash television.

A Royal Caribbean cruise lines passenger disappeared overboard on a voyage from Australia to Hawaii. His family is rightfully concerned, and fellow passengers are hoping this means more crab legs for them.

Sheila Keen Warren, a woman who dressed as a clown and shot her romantic rival, pled guilty to the crime. She alleged that she didn’t want to shoot the victim, but was forced to after her squirting lapel flower of poison malfunctioned.