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Wendy’s will sell canned chili in grocery stores – now that they’ve finally figured out how to get four-day-old hamburgers from their kitchens to a food processing plant.

Tucker Carlson was reportedly fired from Fox News after a video emerged of him calling a woman “yummy”; a second video calling his female viewers “post-menopausal”; and worse, a third video calling a female Fox News anchor “liberal”.

Montana state legislators banned transgender Democrat Zooey Zephyr from the house floor for procedural violations. Zephyr will also have to wait longer for lunch since Republicans voted to form the cafeteria line in alphabetical order.

An employee at a Chicago-area Popeye’s restaurant was captured on video dumping food on the floor and destroying the eatery because he hadn’t been paid in a month. No word on an arrest, but coworkers describe him as “strong to the finach”.

22-year-old female conjoined twins Lupita & Carmen Andrade share a torso and lower body. Carmen has a boyfriend named Daniel; Lupita considers herself asexual, which is probably for the best since her sex partner would need to take turns with Daniel.

ESPN fired baseball reporter Marly Rivera after an incident at Yankee Stadium caught on video where she called another female reporter a “f***ing c**t”. ESPN said Rivera’s language has no place on a baseball diamond before the game starts.

Daytime tv legend Jerry Springer expressed his ‘final thought’ at age 79.

Springer was mourned by Maury Povich, who declared Springer IS THE FATHER of daytime trash television.

A Royal Caribbean cruise lines passenger disappeared overboard on a voyage from Australia to Hawaii. His family is rightfully concerned, and fellow passengers are hoping this means more crab legs for them.

Sheila Keen Warren, a woman who dressed as a clown and shot her romantic rival, pled guilty to the crime. She alleged that she didn’t want to shoot the victim, but was forced to after her squirting lapel flower of poison malfunctioned.

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Britney Spears is reportedly working on new music for the first time in six years. She’s struggling to rhyme ‘conservatorship’.

Alcohol-related deaths increased 25% during the pandemic – and 90% in households where in-laws moved in.

A Los Angeles driver sent a rented Tesla Model S airborne at a steep intersection, crashing into parked cars before fleeing on foot. Police are offering a reward for information leading to the capture of Elon Knelon.

‘Maury‘ is ending after 30 years. Povich’s wife Connie Chung looks forward to a dinner conversation that isn’t about pregnant single women.

Kanye West’s Grammy performance was cancelled by producers, citing his “concerning online behavior” and “music that threatens the life of his ex-wife’s boyfriend”.

The Cleveland Browns claim they did “extensive research” before acquiring accused sex criminal Deshaun Watson in a trade. As a result of their research, some of the women accusing Watson are now also suing Cleveland Browns personnel execs.

Applebee’s claims they want to be “more like McDonald’s and less like Olive Garden”. Either way, someone is gonna be disappointed on Mother’s Day.

Equifax, Experian & TransUnion credit reporting agencies say they’ll remove medical debt from credit reports. Since then, they’ve been inundated with requests from people with lousy credit scores saying they went to med school at University of Phoenix.

Dating app company Match Group launched Stir, a dating app for single parents. There’s a free version, and a Premium version that costs $89.99 of your child support money.

Justin Bieber’s wife, Hailey, was briefly hospitalized for evaluation of a brain condition – unrelated to extended conversations with Justin Bieber.

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Florida GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz is reportedly the subject of an investigation that he had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old girl. Gaetz responded, saying once she broke up with Barron Trump, he figured she was fair game.

An Indiana woman was charged with the murder of her ex-boyfriend by putting Fentanyl in his oatmeal, then choking him. An autopsy revealed Fentanyl in his bloodstream, but thanks to the oatmeal, his cholesterol was down.

Malik Beasley of the NBA Minnesota Timberwolves is questioning his son’s paternity in his divorce from wife Montana Yao. Tonight on TNT Network, ‘Inside the NBA’ welcomes special guest Maury Povich.

Ariana Grande is joining ‘The Voice’ as a coach. She’s already spun her chair around and gotten engaged to three different male contestants.

Vanessa Bryant, wife of the late Kobe Bryant, celebrated their daughter Natalia being accepted into USC, and wished her the best of luck on the rowing team.

Nintendo fans are reportedly panicked over a rumor that Mario will die on March 31st. Many have ruined their game consoles shoving mushrooms in them to give him an extra life.

NASA’s Mars Curiosity rover sent back a selfie it took atop a 20-foot tall rock formation, just before falling to its death.

NCAA basketball referee Bert Smith collapsed on court while officiating the Gonzaga/USC game, then called himself for a blocking foul.

The National Football League expanded the 2021 regular season. Each team gets a 17th game and a second concussion tent to handle the extra volume.

Scientists in southern Argentina have found the skull of a large meat-eating dinosaur named “one who causes fear” in the local Mapuche language. In its torso area, they found bones from other dinosaurs named “ones that get eaten”.

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Southwest Airlines grounded two Boeing jets after finding cracks in a key part – the pilots’ skulls.

Rapper-turned-jailhouse snitch Tekashi 6ix9ine is reportedly planning his post-prison comeback, scheduled to start in the year 20wenty 6ix9ine.

Former NBC employee Brooke Nevils claims she was sexually assaulted by Matt Lauer, while Lauer claims their sexual encounters were consensual. “I can help settle this” said experienced news journalist Maury Povich, dusting off his lie detector.

A company called Future Meat Technologies claims they could have the first lab-grown meat cultivated from animal cells on store shelves by 2022. They could have the first lab-grown veal a week after they start making it.

  • Future Meat Technologies: the other-other white meat.

The NFL upheld its season-long suspension of Oakland Raiders LB Vontaze Burfict for a malicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Burfict has been offered a season-long development scholarship by the UFC.

California utility PG&E is utilizing blackouts to limit the spread of wildfires – and to increase the number of easier-to-control candle-sparked house fires.

A pediatrician said children should start packing their own school lunches starting at age 8. His opinion was published along with a recipe for Sour Patch Kids sandwiches.

Sesame Street is introducing a new Muppet character whose parent struggles with opioid addiction. Producers say the parent won’t be introduced, and will be known only as Shootemupagus.

A family returned from a vacation to find a window broken and a goat napping in the bathroom. The goat was returned to a farm up the road, but the Mom is wondering why the goat had the address and Dad’s phone number programmed into its phone.

A Monmouth University study of 1,100 U.S. adults states that 6% consider candy corn their favorite Halloween candy. Researchers footnoted that at least 6% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of serious mental illness.

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Scientists discovered a fossilized ancient sea creature and named it Obamus coranatus in honor of President Barack Obama. The tiny disc-shaped animal was a half-inch long, lived on the ocean floor, likely never moved on its own, but still had affordable health insurance.

A man with a face tattoo of a handgun has been charged in South Carolina with illegal possession of a firearm. He was released on bond and ordered to surrender his forehead.

  • “Does your face hurt?” asked the presiding judge, adding “because it’s killing innocent people..”

On E! show ‘Total Bellas’ WWE star Nikki Bella reveals that her one-time fiance John Cena has agreed to undergo a reverse vasectomy with the goal of getting her pregnant. Doctors say the procedure will take longer than usual, since Cena’s sperm need to be woken up after years wearing super-snug wrestling trunks.

President Trump gave a speech to the National Federation of Independent Business, then hugged the American flag as he walked off stage. Barron Trump then wrapped himself in a flag and waited for his dad to get home, but got nothing.

Protesters angry over immigrant children being separated from their families at the U.S. southern border shouted “shame” at Homeland Security Director Kirstjen Nielsen as she dined at a Mexican restaurant in Washington, D.C.  Nielsen then separated herself from her chair and deported herself to the rest room without finishing her chimichangas.

A new NBC News report says that the cost of temporary housing for separated children of detained illegal immigrants is $775 per person per night.  After seeing the story, President Trump had all the kids bused to the nearest Trump Hotel and charged them $750/night.

Ivanka Trump reportedly met with her father to discuss ending the separation of children – so the President sent Air Force One to bring Ivanka’s three kids home from summer camp.

An Arkansas man was arrested after attempting to pay for his restaurant meal with a credit card that was stolen from his waitress two days earlier. The waitress said it killed her to have him arrested because he left a 25% tip.

Amazon is opening up its clothing try-on service, Prime Wardrobe, to all Prime subscribers. The service lets you choose three to eight items to be shipped to your home, with a week to try them on and decide what to keep. Amazon also sends two-sizes-larger items to subscribers if they watch more than 40 hours of Prime Video each week.

Burger King Russia is apologizing for a promotion offering lifelong free Whoppers and $47,000 to women impregnated by World Cup soccer players. The program ended after a female Russian lawmaker complained, and after Russian Burger Kings were overrun with women urinating on pregnancy tests in the dining room.

  • “I’m disappointed the pregnancy promotion is over, it seemed like a good idea” said Russian Maury Povich.