A special counsel investigating Donald Trump issued a subpoena to Mike Pence. “Yeah, poenas!” said Pence when he got it.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, a Turkish citizen, traveled to Turkey following the devastating earthquake that struck the region. He arrived, killed two dozen puppies, and left.

The Florida Sports Board governing high school athletics will remove the question “When was your most recent menstrual period?” from a questionnaire for student athletes — because football players would get stuck on it and miss their first practice.

Elon Musk, owner of Twitter, believes he’s being ‘shadowbanned’ by his own company, saying he has 100 million followers but gets only tens of thousands of impressions for each tweet. His staff told him “write better jokes”.

Larry The Cable Guy took to Twitter to defend himself about a joke he made there about Congressman Marjorie Taylor Greene, in 2023’s first Battle Of The Intellectuals.

The Guinness Book of World Records recognized a California mouse named Pat as the oldest mouse in human care, aged 9 years & 209 days. He was presented with the award by his lifelong friend, the world’s laziest cat.

A Tennessee woman was arrested after her kindergarten-aged daughter wrote a story about her mother shooting at her father during an argument. The kindergartner became the youngest writer ever to sell a script and executive produce a Lifetime movie.

Scientists are baffled after a piece of the sun broke off. So far, no volunteers have stepped up to put it back.

The CDC warned of “widespread outbreaks” of gastrointestinal illness causing vomiting, diarrhea and dehydration. They attribute the cause to norovirus, despite public concern over Arby’s new Loaded Chicken Bacon Ranch Mac & Cheese.

Adidas said they will report a loss of $1.3 billion after being stuck with unsellable Yeezy shoes and apparel. In other news, Somali teenagers need bigger closets for all their new stuff.