Pensacola Christian College in Florida canceled a concert by British a capella group The King’s Singers after discovering one of the members is gay, and The Dean’s Grindr Date.

A U.K. man filming Discovery Channel’s ‘Naked and Afraid’ was treated after burning his penis sleeping nude next to an open fire. He was also treated for roasted nuts.

McDonald’s introduced the Cardi B. & Offset Meal = the only fast-food combo that requires a prenup.

McDonald’s is also suing Popeye’s after they introduced the Offset Side Piece Meal.

Republican Nikki Haley officially announced a run for President in 2024, challenging Donald Trump. Trump said he wouldn’t support her candidacy, but ‘would’ do other stuff.

First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon resigned, citing the “brutality” of public life as a national leader – adding there’s no truth to the rumor of a military coup led by a Sturgeon General.

Taylor Schabusiness, a 25-year-old woman facing murder charges for decapitating her boyfriend, putting the head in a bucket with his severed penis, and shoving other body parts in a Crock Pot, attacked her lawyer during a hearing regarding her mental competency and trial date. “I need to see more evidence” said the judge.

Scientists claim they can “switch off” autism symptoms in mice by giving them a $3 pill used to treat epilepsy. Results were delayed by challenges finding mice on the autism spectrum who could come up with the three bucks.

An inmate tried to escape a Bolivian prison by disguising himself as a sheep. He was apprehended after guards were alerted by a different inmate dressed as a wolf.

Porn actress Angela White was reportedly hospitalized after her appendix burst while filming a sex scene with male partner Keiran Lee. Both the director and the emergency room surgeon yelled “cut!”.

A special counsel investigating Donald Trump issued a subpoena to Mike Pence. “Yeah, poenas!” said Pence when he got it.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, a Turkish citizen, traveled to Turkey following the devastating earthquake that struck the region. He arrived, killed two dozen puppies, and left.

The Florida Sports Board governing high school athletics will remove the question “When was your most recent menstrual period?” from a questionnaire for student athletes — because football players would get stuck on it and miss their first practice.

Elon Musk, owner of Twitter, believes he’s being ‘shadowbanned’ by his own company, saying he has 100 million followers but gets only tens of thousands of impressions for each tweet. His staff told him “write better jokes”.

Larry The Cable Guy took to Twitter to defend himself about a joke he made there about Congressman Marjorie Taylor Greene, in 2023’s first Battle Of The Intellectuals.

The Guinness Book of World Records recognized a California mouse named Pat as the oldest mouse in human care, aged 9 years & 209 days. He was presented with the award by his lifelong friend, the world’s laziest cat.

A Tennessee woman was arrested after her kindergarten-aged daughter wrote a story about her mother shooting at her father during an argument. The kindergartner became the youngest writer ever to sell a script and executive produce a Lifetime movie.

Scientists are baffled after a piece of the sun broke off. So far, no volunteers have stepped up to put it back.

The CDC warned of “widespread outbreaks” of gastrointestinal illness causing vomiting, diarrhea and dehydration. They attribute the cause to norovirus, despite public concern over Arby’s new Loaded Chicken Bacon Ranch Mac & Cheese.

Adidas said they will report a loss of $1.3 billion after being stuck with unsellable Yeezy shoes and apparel. In other news, Somali teenagers need bigger closets for all their new stuff.

14 dogs hopping on their hind legs broke the Guinness World Record for longest canine conga line. Officials later disallowed a 16-dog line when it was determined they weren’t dancing, they were all just humping each other.

A Chinese spy balloon was finally shot down over Myrtle Beach. Parts of the balloon were retrieved from the ocean, along with an attached banner reading ‘Will you marry me Yingyue?’, and classified documents from the Trump & Biden administrations.

Republican members of Congress plan to boycott President Biden’s State of the Union address on Tuesday, citing disagreements with his policies, and fear of missing an all-new ‘9-1-1 Lone Star‘.

Dell is laying off over 6,000 workers, representing 5% of their workforce. Or, as a Dell spokesperson put it, they’re hitting Ctrl/Alt/Del on their careers.

Winners at the Grammy Awards included Harry Styles, Beyonce & Lizzo in the welterweight, middleweight and heavyweight divisions.

Including her wins last night, Beyonce’s 32 Grammys broke the record for the most Grammy wins all-time, formerly held by Hungarian-British conductor Georg Solti. Solti is busy assembling a new orchestra to record a Beyonce diss track.

Breakfast sandwiches and fruit cups were recalled for possible listeria contamination, which somehow make high school cafeteria food even riskier than usual.

A new study claims reducing alcohol consumption lowers dementia and Alzheimer’s risk. The study authors also claim if you’re drinking to forget, it’s working.

AMC Theaters will start variable pricing for seats at the movies. Seats in front rows will be cheaper, seats in the middle will be more expensive, and people in seats at Tyler Perry movies will be paid $14 each.

Dr. Phil’s decision to end his tv show came following attempts to revamp the show to win back advertisers. The attempts failed, as sponsors said “cash us out on The Kelly Clarkson Show, how bout dat?”

An ESPN reporter speculated that Tom Brady’s “traumatizing” divorce may be the major influence in his decision to retire. Brady’s treatment to recover from the trauma will include being a handsome single 45-year-old with tens of millions in cash.

The Pentagon is reportedly tracking a high-altitude Chinese spy balloon over the continental U.S. They’re also trying to identify the three Chinese guys who froze to death in the basket underneath it.

Tips from the public led to the arrest of a man who stole emperor tamarin monkeys from the Dallas Zoo. In related news, emperor tamarin monkeys were discovered to be capable of making phone calls and sending text messages.

An Iowa senior care facility faces discipline for wrongfully declaring a resident dead and placing her in a body bag, where she was later found at a funeral home gasping for air. The victim’s family is considering a lawsuit against the care facility and Ziploc.

The U.S. economy added 517,000 jobs in January, as businesses staffed up to handle Americans returning millions of terrible Christmas gifts.

In the wake of firing 12,000 workers, Google CEO Sundar Pichai said he “takes full responsibility” for it. Asks if that means he’ll take care of them financially, Pichai added “okay, partial responsibility”.

As Beyonce launches a 2023 tour, members of Congress warned Ticketmaster to be ready and avoid a fiasco like Taylor Swift tour sales. Ticketmaster said they’re prepared, and have partnered with banks to prequalify Beyonce ticket buyers with the second mortgages they’ll need to be able to pay for them.

CBS Sports producers said they met with Tony Romo prior to the NFL season to resharpen his skills as a color analyst. NBC Sports producers denied a simlar meeting with Cris Collinsworth, begging him to please just shut up for a few minutes every Sunday night.

Fred la Marmotte, Canada’s version of Punxsutawney Phil, died on Groundhog Day prior to giving his winter prediction. Canadian officials reminded every groundhog that if they, or another they know, is struggling with seasonal depression, help is available.

A British woman said her family hates the name she gave her daughter, Kiara, which comes from a sequel to Disney’s The Lion King. She has no plans to change it, even though her family’s feelings leave a Scar.

A dismembered human penis was found at an Alabama gas station. The diesel fuel pump is pregnant and several big rigs contracted HPV.

Jeweler Tiffany & Co and Nike revealed their anticipated sneaker collaboration, the black suede-and-Tiffany blue Air Force I 1837. Men who drop to one knee and propose with a pair of the sneakers are 0-for-30 so far.

The makers of artificial intelligence tool ChatGPT plan to offer premium product ChatGPT Plus starting at $20/month. In addition to writing your term paper, ChatGPT Plus will find an attractive student to have sex with your professor.

The City of Philadelphia is promising incentives to young men & women for working as lifeguards at city swimming pools this summer. Although the incentivized guards can’t use their new gun to stop horseplay in the pool.

An epic ice storm in the Southern U.S. left over 370,000 customers without power and is blamed for 8 deaths. It’s so bad, Texas Senator Ted Cruz changed destinations from Cancun to Kauai to get far enough away from it.

A Singapore man sued a woman for $2.2 million in damages to his reputation because she refused to date him and wanted to just be friends. Although his attorney claims he’d consider an out-of-court settlement of a handjob.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart said she’s working with the league so that teams can switch from commercial travel to charter. She then boarded the Liberty’s refurbished school bus to ride to their next game in Los Angeles.

The Centers for Disease Control is warning customers not to use EzriCare Artificial Tears eyedrops, as they investigate a possible link between the product and dozens of infections. In the meantime, they recommend titty-twisters and kicks to the balls to generate tears.

Jessica Simpson released an Amazon-exclusive short story about an affair she had 17 years ago with an unnamed “massive movie star” who cheated on his partner. The story is vehemently denied by Rob Schneider.

A woman who claims she got pregnant while using birth control said her baby was born clutching her IUD. The baby also handed over a pinky ring and her spare house keys.

After the NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles earned a trip to the Super Bowl, New York’s Empire State Building turned their lights green & white to honor them – an act of sportsmanship that somehow managed to infuriate both cities.

The New Super Mario Bros Movie trailer premiered during the NFC Championship Game, featuring Chris Pratt as Mario, Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong, and most all of America as Not Interested.

Lovers & co-anchors Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes were fired from ABC News Good Morning America. They’re reportedly in the running for a new Fox News afternoon talk show, Fox & Friends With Benefits.

Walmart is rolling out new store designs with brighter lights, modern mannequins and sleek display cases – in order to focus on higher-margin merchandise for their loyal customers to shoplift.

An Anthony van Dyck portrait from the 17th century, found covered in bird droppings in a shed in Upstate New York, sold at a Sotheby’s auction for over $3 million. Art collectors are now following the birds around to see if they know of any other finds.

Filipino artist Elito Circa, who paints canvases with his own blood, plans to break the world record for blood paintings with a 328-foot creation. Meanwhile, several of his smaller works tested positive for herpes.

A 34-year-old man was hospitalized with a bowel blockage after swallowing a banana covered in a condom. He was released into the care of several hundred men who’d heard about it.

A 15-year-old boy in Bangladesh locked himself in a shipping container during a game of hide-and-seek and was discovered a week later when the container arrived in Malaysia. Meanwhile, his mother collapsed after yelling “dinners ready” next to her back door for six straight days.

A Canadian girl was injured after a friend tossed her car keys and a key became lodged 1 1/2 inches deep in her face and nasal cavity. She also suffered a concussion as her friend repeatedly pushed her head into the ignition switch to start the car.

After suffering burns to his face one month ago, Jay Leno crashed his motorcycle, breaking his collarbone and several ribs. Leno will return to hosting You Bet Your Life, since he repeatedly bets his own and wins.

The bald eagle population in the state of New Jersey has doubled in the last 10 years according to the New Jersey Bald Eagle Project, and evidenced by New Jersey eagles’ increased demand for toupees, deep v-neck t-shirts and gold chains.

Federal law enforcement broke up a fraudulent nursing diploma ring, which issued over 7,600 phony credentials to nurses. The big break in the case came when hundreds of nurses didn’t know how to properly measure height & weight of patients.

A Florida man broke into a Joe’s Crab Shack in Ft. Myers, stole items and defecated on the dining room floor. Cops examining the evidence would only say it appears he’d eaten at Joe’s Crab Shack within the last eight hours.

The FDA plans to make it easier for gay and bisexual men to donate blood – they’ll allow the Red Cross Bloodmobile to park at Lady Gaga concerts.

A McDonald’s corporate president who made $7.4 million in compensation said that pending California legislation to pay fast-food workers $22/hour will “destroy jobs”. On his next trip to the drive-thru, his Big Mac broke the record for “most saliva”.

Kim Kardashian reportedly advised Paris Hilton on surrogacy issues prior to Hilton and her husband welcoming their new baby. Kim also advised Hilton on how babies are born, which led to Hilton’s surrogacy decision.

Melissa Williams, 46, was fired from the Arapahoe County, Colorado police after her “filthy MILF” OnlyFans account was discovered. However, she now earns $27,000/month for going from Arapahoe to Videohoe.

Several women posted TikTok videos saying that they didn’t know their upside-down pineapple tattoos were widely-used symbols indicating they were sexual “swingers”. Some are now getting cover-up tattoos of pineapple upside-down cakes.

A new 16-court indoor Pickleball center is opening in the Philadelphia suburbs. It’s the first of its kind in that it’s the first Pickleball facility needing bouncers.

An arcade worker claims to be able to consistently beat the ‘claw machine’ to win stuffed animals with her ‘double tap’ method. She double-taps the claw button after it descends, and if that doesn’t work, she double-taps the glass with a claw hammer.

In a new Pew Research study, 80% of parents say it’s more important for their kids to start careers and make money than it is to marry and start a family. That’s so the parents can finally collect rent while the kids live at home.

Classified U.S. Government documents were found at the Indiana home of Mike Pence, along with rare back issues of Playgirl magazine.

A Microsoft Cloud outage temporarily denied access to services like Microsoft Teams and Microsoft Outlook. Corporate workers called it “the most productive time I’ve had all year”.

Paris Hilton and husband Carter Reum announced the birth of their first baby. They wouldn’t say if the infant was delivered via surrogate, or if it actually checked out of a Hilton.

A&W Restaurants trolled the M&Ms ‘Spokescandy’ announcement, saying their mascot Rooty the Great Root Bear would wear jeans instead of no pants at all. This surprised Americans who didn’t know that A&W Restaurants still existed.

A passenger gave birth during an Emirates Air flight from Tokyo to Dubai. The baby cried, but then was pleased with the additional leg room.

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy controversially kicked two Democrats, Adam Schiff and Eric Swalwell, off the House Intelligence Committee. He’s considering appointing George Santos, who recently succeeded Superman as President of the Justice League of America.

Florida woman Lyndsey Kennedy, 43, had to be rescued after getting herself stuck in a storm drain for the third time in two years. Officials were left with no choice but to ban her from ‘It’s A Small World’ at Disney.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott and his girlfriend of two years, Natalie Buffett, broke up. The split was already hard enough, but then Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called a press conference to criticize Prescott’s performance.

A 52-year-old Florida teacher resigned after she shared sexually explicit video calls with her prison-inmate boyfriend during school hours. For his part, the inmate received a certificate for perfect attendance in sessions with the teacher.

Ticketmaster’s Chief Financial Officer will testify before the U.S. Senate regarding the Taylor Swift ticketing fiasco. He will be required to stand for the duration of his testimony, unless he pays $199 plus fees for premium seating.

Republican Congressman George Santos took to Twitter to criticize the impressions of him by Bowen Yang on Saturday Night Live and Jon Lovitz on The Tonight Show. He particularly criticized Yang, since he wore a size 4 dress and Santos is at least a 14.

Four leaders of the Oath Keepers were found guilty of seditious conspiracy for their role planning the January 6th insurrection. They were also found guilty of lesser charges of underestimating attendance and running out of snacks.

Nominations for the 95th Academy Awards were released. Another year, another Academy Board of Governors Lifetime Achievement Award snub for Jim Varney.

M&Ms suspended the appearance of its talking cartoon Spokescandies in ads, and announced Maya Rudolph as their new Spokesperson. Werther’s Originals introduced their new Spokescandy, a non-verbal dementia patient.

Five years after his murder, a ‘surprise’ single from rapper XXXTentacion was released. As for other music, that single is likely the XXXtent of it.

The Sundance Film Festival debuted ‘Infinity Pool’, an NC-17 movie featuring cloning, orgies, executions and graphic male ejaculation. Audience polling was negative, but most patrons said it still beat having to sit through Aquaman 2.

Oreo Cookies newest offering is The Most Oreo Oreo – an Oreo cookie with bits of Oreo cookie wafers in the creme center. They recommend dunking it in milk that already has Oreos floating in it.

Frontman & founder Brandon Urie announced he’s breaking up his band, Panic! at the Disco now that he & his wife are expecting a baby. He also announced a future project Colic! at the Urie House.

Disney fans are selling water from the Splash Mountain ride at Disney World now that it’s being closed down and are asking $150/bottle. Nobody’s buying, but the Centers for Disease Control are offering to buy bottles of water from Disney resort pools.

Fireball faces a class action lawsuit in 12 states for misleading customers that mini-bottles sold at gas stations are whisky, but contain no whisky at all. The lawsuit is unique in that all of the plaintiffs are 16 years old.

Retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin married 63-year-old Dr. Anca Faur on his 93rd birthday. Her vibrator is also named Buzz Aldrin.

Home Depot founder Bernie Marcus, who retired in 2002, claims that ‘nobody works anymore’ because of socialism and ‘woke people who have taken over the world’. Marcus made the claims after wandering around a Home Depot for a half-hour looking for a woke socialist to tell him where the screwdrivers are.

Grocery & retail stores are losing shopping carts in record numbers. They blame homelessness, carts being sold for scrap metal, and Cub Scouts who want roomier Soap Box Derby cars.

A police officer punched a woman several times following a dispute after she attempted to return a McDonald’s Big Mac for not having the extra toppings she paid for. He’s been placed on leave from McDonaldland P.D. according to Mayor McCheese.

A woman who lost her virginity at 17 to a 30-year-old man and disliked it claims to have paid $10,000 to have her hymen reconstructed. She’s now saving herself for a guy who’ll pay her $10,000, just in case the third time’s the charm.

Disney Parks Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser Hotel is reportedly failing due to the $6,000 price tag for a two-night stay – and stiff competition down the block from the $69/night Mos Eisley Cantina Red Roof Inn with real galactic prostitutes.

Pamela Anderson claims in her new memoir that Tim Allen flashed his penis at her when she was his co-star on sitcom Home Improvement. She also claims the guy who played ‘Wilson’ did it too through a hole in the fence.

Spotify announced it’s cutting 6% of jobs, disappointing fired workers, and also disappointing everyone hoping the cuts included Joe Rogan.

A British woman who lost all of her limbs from sepsis won a $48 million settlement against the hospital for releasing her early – marking the first time a hospital stay cost both the patient and the hospital an arm and a leg.