The U.S. Coast Guard rescued a man who went overboard after leaving a bar on a Carnival Cruise ship bound for Mexico, upping their rescue record for overboard drunks to 1-for-10,000.

A water main break at Bridgestone Arena in Nashville forced the postponement of the NHL Nashville Predators/Colorado Avalanche game, since neither team agreed to play floor hockey instead of ice hockey.

Former German Prime Minister Angela Merkel said at the end of her term there was nothing she could do to influence the behavior of Russian President Vladimir Putin – since she was 67 and not that hot anymore.

Elon Musk will reintroduce verification to Twitter, with blue checks for individuals, grey for corporate accounts and gold for government. All will be manually verified, so Musk is considering black checks indicating who’s dead by the time they finish.

Kanye West is running for President in 2024. Nobody thinks he’ll win, but everyone is dying to watch him debate.

Researchers from Australia National University claim to have found ‘the world’s oldest meal’ in 550-million-year-old fossils unearthed in Russia. It’s a Swanson Hungry Cro-Magnon Man Salisbury Steak Look-At-Cave-Wall dinner.

Jennifer Lopez announced a new project ‘This Is Me..Now’ which “chronicles the emotional, spiritual and psychological journey that she has taken over the past two decades.” Male fans asked “that’s all great but how’s your ass holding up?”

Fashion house Balenciaga apologized for photos featuring small children holding bags depicting teddy bears wearing bondage gear. Critics said if little kids wanted to hang around bears in bondage gear, they could go to their hairy gay grandfather’s house.

Fired University of Tennessee football coach Jeremy Pruitt admitted to giving a player’s mother $300 in a Chick-fil-A bag to help her with personal expenses, in violation of NCAA rules. The mother turned him in because there wasn’t any food in it.

A 48,500-year-old virus has been revived from permafrost in Siberia, and has already replicated itself in a lab. It was discovered next to the frozen body of a Siberian guy with herpes.

No Jokes Tomorrow – Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday! cd

The Supreme Court ruled Congress may obtain Donald Trump’s tax returns. Now they just need to find the H&R Block store in Russia that prepared them.

Ice Cube said he missed out on a $9 million film role because he wouldn’t get the COVID vaccine. Cube argued that he’s a member of NWAA – N**gas With Adequate Antibodies.

Hundreds of workers at Apple’s largest manufacturing plant in China fought with guards over restrictive COVID lockdowns at employee dormitories. No one can figure out how to stop the violence, because all the factory’s Genius Bar employees were knocked out.

Kanye West reportedly showed Adidas employees intimate nude photos of ex-wife Kim Kardashian. He’s accused of showing dozens of people something they’ve already seen dozens of times.

Pennsylvania’s Attorney General received 2,500 complaints about Taylor Swift tickets. They also received a complaint about Ed Sheeran tickets – but that was just a guy mad that his girlfriend bought Ed Sheeran tickets.

Joe Biden extended the freeze on student loan payments until June, giving underemployed grads the flexibility to default on car loans instead.

Georgia GOP candidate for U.S. Senate Herschel Walker declared a primary residence in the state of Texas. “So what?” asked Dr. Oz.

A former Catholic priest in Louisiana pleaded guilty to obscenity charges after filming sex with two female dominatrices on the altar of a church. Asked to explain why he was there with two women, he said he’d given altar boys the night off.

Singer Jordin Sparks joined Kelly Rowland in defense of Chris Brown, whose American Music Awards tribute to Michael Jackson was cancelled. Reached for comment, Brown said “I’d hit that”.

Titanic director James Cameron said he almost didn’t give the lead role of Jack to Leonardo DiCaprio due to DiCaprio’s diva attitude during casting. Cameron admits the movie turned our far better with DiCaprio than with his alternate choice, Jim Varney.

Following a user poll, Elon Musk reinstated Donald Trump’s Twitter account. Trump has yet to use his account because he wants to support his own Truth Social, and because he’s been unsuccessful navigating Twitter’s Reset Password process.

Analysts at Yelp compiled their list of The 10 Best Dive Bars in New York City. Establishments qualified as ‘dive bars’ by virtue of offering a martini priced under $20.

Tanya Herbert of Houston, Texas is now recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as having the largest feet for a woman, 13 inches long and a size 18. Guinness officials also confirmed a Bigfoot sighting in a Houston area TJ Maxx.

A mountain lion attacked and killed a chihuahua after the owner finished walking the dog near their Hollywood Hills, California home. The mountain lion was described as “still hungry”.

A woman gave birth to twins from embryos frozen 30 years ago. The twins are both healthy despite being labeled ‘Best if used by 10/92’.

An international consulting firm study states employers will be giving employees their biggest salary increases in 15 years – telling workers who get Meets Expectations on their annual review to brace for a whopping 1.1% increase instead of 1.0%.

Chimpanzees are capable of sharing experiences with each other, a trait once thought to be only exhibited by humans. Researchers made the discovery after watching chimps share boring pictures with other chimps of their camping trip.

Producers of the American Music Awards cancelled Chris Brown’s planned medley & dance tribute to Michael Jackson. Apparently in rehearsals, whenever Brown got to Beat It, all of the women ran away.

In England, a man with a metal detector found a medieval-era diamond & gold ring valued at over $44,000 – ending his streak of 22,565 bottle caps.

OnlyFans is adding shopping features. Soon subscribers will be able to purchase authentic game-worn lingerie from their favorite creators.

Facebook will remove Religion, Political Views & Sexual Orientation information fields from user profiles – making it harder than ever for Bisexual Muslim MAGA Republicans to find each other.

Starbucks workers staged a walkout to protest working conditions, wages, resistance to unionization, and other issues. They seek better pay, adequate staffing, and the ability to limit drink orders to 30 words or less.

Bruce Springsteen invited Taylor Swift to join the E Street Band. She declined, saying she doesn’t want her ticket prices to drop below $1,000.

Qatar is banning beer sales during World Cup games. Soccer hooligans are asked to buy full cans of non-alcoholic Bud Zero to bash over each other’s heads.

China state media reported over 100,000 workers were recruited to work at the country’s largest iPhone factory. They just need to figure out how to get to China after being fired from Twitter.

Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen’s Luz Foundation – a charitable organization they established – gave away just 0.00008% of their net worth over 13 years spanning 2007 to 2019. “Thanks, Tom!” said the guy in charge of inflating footballs for the New England Patriots.

Dozens of sheep in China’s Inner Mongolia have been walking in a circle for 12 days straight. Finally, a ewe convinced a ram to stop and ask for directions.

QVC shopping network premiered its first-ever streaming Christmas movie, Holly & the Hot Chocolate. It can be yours for just four easy installments of 25 minutes each.

Heavy equipment manufacturer Caterpillar was fined after a worker fell into an open vat of molten iron heated to more than 2.000 degrees. Caterpillar also refunded a town’s purchase after they bought a backhoe with a skull sticking out of it.

Candace Cameron Bure blames the media for backlash that her Great American Family channel Christmas movies will only feature “traditional” marriage. She also said her movies will not feature Christmas music from the Trans Siberian Orchestra.

Tennessee’s Attorney General launched an investigation into Ticketmaster over residents’ inability to get Taylor Swift tickets. Thousands of rural Tennesseeans waited in line outside of a record store before realizing they needed Internet access.

Medical journal Human Reproduction Update claims the global decline in male sperm counts is accelerating at an increasing rate. “Coulda fooled me” said women in the Planned Parenthood waiting room, and Moms doing laundry.

A blizzard with up to four feet of snow is forecast for Buffalo, NY – and may force the relocation of Sunday’s Buffalo Bills home game against the Cleveland Browns. If not, it will force tailgating Bills fans to find folding tables with five-foot long legs to dive on.

Tim Allen returns to his 90s holiday movie role in Disney+ series The Santa Clauses, where Allen, as Santa, decides he’s only going to deliver toys to red states.

Jay Leno underwent skin graft surgery and is being treated in a hyperbaric chamber after suffering gasoline burns to his face, hands & chest. Nurses are unsuccessfully attempting to swap out of burn unit shifts since they’ve already heard the jokes.

Peacock documentary Casey Anthony: Where The Truth Lies debuts November 29th. According to the presiding judge at her trial, Casey’s new claim that her father killed the baby means The Truth Lies somewhere other than Casey Anthony’s mouth.

Kim Kardashian shared a bunch of lingerie photos to promote the opening of her SKIMS Holiday Pop-Up – inspiring more than a few Holiday pop-ups from dateless losers looking at them.

NBC ‘Today’ show co-host Jenna Bush Hager told co-host Hoda Kotb she “never wears underwear”, saying “it makes a more pretty silhouette”. Although show producers say it also makes for added expense on wardrobe and chairs.

A group of Wyoming men tied the hair of their beards together in a bar and set a new world record for Longest Beard Chain. Their record was verified by several head lice who walked the full 150-foot length of the chain.

Former Playboy model Kelsey Turner plead guilty to murdering her 71-year-old psychiatrist. The presiding judge said he reviewed her statement to police, but mostly just looked at her pictures.

Amazon announced a new virtual healthcare service for allergies, acne and hair loss. They’ll treat thousands who developed severe acne and lost their hair over the stress of their Amazon warehouse jobs.

Consumer Reports claims electric vehicles are now less reliable as more manufacturers enter the category and introduce new technology. Their claim is disputed by the CEO of Yugo Electric.

Actress Hilarie Burton called Candace Cameron Bure a ‘bigot’ over Cameron Bure’s statement that her Great American Country Christmas movies will only feature heterosexual romance. Burton and Cameron Bure then returned to their respective mountain hometowns to help save independent candy stores from foreclosure.

Dave Chappelle reportedly tricked Saturday Night Live by doing a different monologue in dress rehearsal than one he performed on the live show. Producers say they weren’t fooled because the dress rehearsal routine lasted 2 1/2 hours.

Elon Musk emailed Twitter employees saying they needed to do “extremely hardcore” work or “get out”. The news worried employees hoping for work/life balance, but motivated female employees with Only Fans accounts.

Disney World increased ticket prices for the second time in a year. In a related move, free passes for Make-A-Wish families will be restricted to patients who almost definitely aren’t going to make it.

A bus full of migrants sent from Texas by Governor Greg Abbott arrived in Philadelphia. After several minutes in the city, nearly all of them called for 76ers Coach Doc Rivers to resign.

Newly-single Gisele Bundchen claims Joaquim Valente, a jiu jitsu instructor, is joining her in Costa Rica because he’s training the whole family. Though Bundchen’s kids admit Joaquin is spending a lot of time teaching Mom the full-mount jiu jitsu position.

Leonardo DiCaprio celebrated his 48th birthday at a Beverly Hills mansion at a party featuring Hollywood sports & entertainment A-listers, and under-25 lingerie model C, D, and DD-listers.

A white middle school teacher in Pflugerville, Texas was fired after telling students that his race “is the superior one”. The school district superintendent admitted he should never have been hired, given his affiliation with the Pflu Pflux Pflan.

Donald Trump scheduled a “major announcement” for today, believed to be either his 2024 Presidential run, or that he has no intention of paying the bar tab for daughter Tiffany’s wedding this past Saturday.

Jeff Bezos said in an interview Americans should hold off on big-ticket purchases like TVs and cars, saving them for when the economy really needs it to lift out of a recession. Then after the interview Bezos transferred the $125 million needed to finish his megayacht.

Walmart officials said as prices rise due to inflation, more wealthy shoppers are turning to their stores for groceries. Walmart said you can tell they’re wealthier, because they’re wearing shirts under their overalls.

Ballet dancers are criticizing actress Sydney Sweeney’s ballet-inspired photo shoot, saying her pointe shoes are worn incorrectly. Fans of Sweeney from HBO’s Euphoria also critiqued the pictures, saying you can’t see her breasts.

The mother of a 10-year-old boy in Highland, NY faces charges for letting an unlicensed tattoo artist ink the boy’s name on his forearm. The good news is the 10-year-old now spells his name correctly on all homework assignments.

Google agreed to pay a record $392 million settlement to 40 states, after the company continued to track users location after they’d turned off location tracking. The remaining 10 states don’t get anything, since nobody really cares where people are in the Dakotas, Alaska, etc etc.

Police at JFK Airport in New York City found 28 pounds of cocaine hidden in the tires of a woman’s wheelchair. The woman was charged with drug trafficking, and stealing the wheels off of a farm tractor in her native Dominican Republic.

The United Nations claims the world’s population will reach 8 billion this week, as the world also marks its 1 Billionth terrible gender reveal party.

The CEO of Keurig resigned after violations of the company’s Code of Conduct. He was caught in the break room having sex with a coworker and – even worse – drinking two cups of coffee at a time.

Outgoing Wyoming Representative Liz Cheney called this year’s election results “a big win for Team Normal”, adding.. “I wish I hadn’t waited so long to join Team Normal”.

Gisele Bundchen purchased a Florida mansion next to one being built by ex Tom Brady. If she wants to keep an eye on Brady, Bill Belichick told her he could send his video guys.

Cryptocurrency exchange FTX filed for bankruptcy. Account holders are unhappy with the company’s promise to pay out their balances with Sad Monkey NFTs.

China’s Singles Day – the world’s biggest annual shopping event – totaled over $1 trillion yuan for the first time. Also for the first time, somebody bought a size Large sweater.

The United States Mens National Soccer Team officially confirmed the 26 players they’ll send to Qatar to get their asses kicked and eliminated in the World Cup.

The City of Philadelphia said they’ll replace the worn and faded international flags that line the Ben Franklin Parkway. They hope to have the flags in time for an Eagles playoff win so local drunks can climb the poles and hang ’em.

Twitter’s Head of Trust & Safety resigned after two weeks under Elon Musk’s leadership. Musk is interviewing candidates for the newly-formed Head of Distrust & Danger position.

A woman in Thailand, Phonchanok Srisunaklua, faces criminal prosecution for a viral video where she eats a bat. Her attorney claims she’ll fight the charges, citing that she was sitting in a KFC.

Sophia Rosing, the University of Kentucky student arrested for racial slurs and physical violence toward a black student and police, has been permanently banned from campus. Her family said she’ll seek treatment while she deliberates over acceptance letters from the University of Alabama and University of Mississippi.

An iPhone factory was temporarily shut down in China when workers at a Foxconn facility walked off assembly lines to protest COVID quarantines. While technically a walkout, most of the iPhone assembly workers rode off on their Big Wheels.

The City of Philadelphia became the first to lose two championships in one day, as the Philadelphia Union soccer team and the Philadelphia Phillies lost in the MLS Cup and World Series, respectively. Residents expecting to fire guns in the air in celebration quickly switched plans and fired them at each other.

California became the latest state to legalize human composting – adding biodegradable items to corpses so they become fertilizer. Advocates of the practice say the hardest part is looking at it when you throw banana peels and egg shells in to the compost bin.

With no winners on Saturday, the Powerball jackpot grew to $1.9 billion – or, about how much Twitter is worth now after Elon Musk bought it for $44 billion a couple weeks ago.

Salad restaurant Sweetgreen is offering its first chainwide dessert, a ‘healthy’ Rice Krispies treat made with quinoa, millet, brown rice and date honey. It’s available for purchase today, and available to birds after it’s tossed on the ground after one bite later today.

Twitter banned comic Kathy Griffin for impersonating Elon Musk without explicitly stating that it was a parody account. Content moderators wondered why Musk would start telling joke after joke about being friends with gay people.

Dr. Dre gave the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction speech for fellow rapper Eminem, in which Dre joked that Eminem wanted it mentioned that he “has a huge penis”. Judas Priest frontman Rob Halford, also in attendance, then asked to meet Eminem.

A drunk 22-year-old woman enrolled at University of Kentucky was arrested after threatening the student working at the front desk of her dorm while calling her the n-word. She’ll either be expelled or announce her campaign for Student Body President.

A Georgia teen who pulled off a mask while brandishing a handgun during a robbery at a vape store claims it was all just a prank. Nonetheless, he’ll be charged as a Juul thief.

A North Carolina teen rolled out of a moving Lyft car after her driver made inappropriate comments about her appearance and repeatedly sprayed a substance with the windows rolled up. She was refunded, and treated for both injuries to her face & legs and Drakkar Noir inhalation.

Former Pakistan Prime Minister Imran Khan was shot in the foot in a reported assassination attempt. Police describe the alleged assailant as ‘short’.

Netflix launched a ‘Basic with Ads’ plan, with commercials inserted into content, starting with Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story presented by Manwich.

German pro surfer Sebastian Steudtner set the world record for riding a 115-foot wave in Nazare, Portugal. Officials are still waiting to verify a record from August where an underaged drinker rode a 120-foot wave of empty Coors Light cans at the Jersey Shore.

Twitter users are reporting a recent surge in hate speech and the use of racial slurs. They attribute it to Elon Musk’s new ownership, and their own decision to follow Kanye West.

Viral video shows Houston philanthropist “Mattress Mack” getting in a fight with a Philadelphia Phillies fan at Game 3 of the World Series in Philadelphia. No word if he came back for Game 4, which would mark the Re-turn of the Mack…Re-turn of the Mack….

According to archaeologists, the burial site for a child in Finland who died 8,000 years ago during the Stone Age revealed “surprises” – specifically, a New Kids On The Block poster.

Charges are pending for a student in Berks County, Pennsylvania who took a selfie holding a handgun in a high school bathroom. The student claims the weapon was an innovative way to deal with constipation from cafeteria food.

McDonald’s is reporting increased business from low-income customers due to rising inflation, despite a 10% year-over-year increase in prices. In turn, low-income customers report a 20% year-over-year increase in bad cholesterol.

Kendall Jenner turned 27, as she celebrated with her family, and the mathematician she hired to help her past 10 while counting candles on the cake.

NFL legend Ray Guy – the first punter enshrined in the Hall of Fame – passed away at age 73. No word on funeral arrangements were announced, but it’s presumed he’ll be downed in the Coffin Corner of his hometown cemetery.