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GOP House Speaker Paul Ryan said that he will retire from politics, saying he wants to be more than a ‘weekend father’ – and a ‘weekday White House nanny’.

A Nigerian man was arrested after being caught in possession of over $400,000 in counterfeit bills. Police were alerted to the scam by an email from the Prince of Nigeria.

Conservative commentator Jamie Allman’s St. Louis-area tv show was canceled after tweeting about preparing a hot poker to shove up the ass of Parkland high schooler and gun reform advocate David Hogg. Sinclair Broadcasting, owner of Allman’s old network, said that the poker comment was the byproduct of an unusually cold winter.

Spotify and Hulu are teaming up to offer a $13 monthly subscription bundle. It comes with unlimited time on hold for tech support.

Lizzy Martinez, a 17-year-old Florida high-school student was forced to cover her ‘distracting’ protruding nipples with band-aids because she wasn’t wearing a bra. Martinez is organizing a ‘bracott’ for Monday, but wasn’t available to talk about it because she’s like, literally, buried with promposals.

Following Martinez’ nipple incident, the Florida state legislature convened an emergency session to pass a bill requiring high-school girls to wear clear plastic blouses to prove they’re wearing a bra.

Stormy Daniels’ ‘Make America Horny Again’ Wednesday shows at Truth Detroit strip club were postponed. A spokesman for the club said there was a problem with the private jet bringing Daniels to Detroit. The problem is that it broke down, and also that it’s a Kia Sedona.

California Gov Jerry Brown announced they’ll send some National Guard members to patrol the California/Mexico border. The California guards are expected to arrive just as soon as they complete mandatory spray tanning and fittings for red swimsuits.

NASA announced research project Micro-11, where they’ll be shooting frozen human sperm in to space. The project was delayed while NASA scientists determined how to allow astronauts to spacewalk without pants on, and how to project porn on the outer wall of the International Space Station.

Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo faces a Senate confirmation hearing, with Democrats asking about his plans for dealing with North Korea and the humanitarian crisis in Syria – and Republicans asking if he’s related to Ellen Pompeo of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’.

 

 

 

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Health officials are concerned that cheerleaders at a tournament in Texas have been exposed to mumps. Worse, officials have to explain to the dumber cheerleaders that boys don’t like girls with big mumps.

Mattel’s Barbie line is introducing 17 new dolls based on Inspiring Women, including artist Frida Kahlo, who is the first ever Barbie to be packaged with tweezers.

President Trump’s legal team won a temporary restraining order against porn star Stormy Daniels, citing numerous precedents of porn actresses using their keen seduction and espionage skills to disarm dozens of Secret Service agents.

The Florida state legislature passed a bill to increase age and waiting period limits on gun purchases, and includes some security measures to arm teachers. Teachers who want to carry guns must be either former military or law enforcement, Armed Forces reservists, or have completed 40 hours of watching Law & Order reruns.

Flippy, a $60,000 burger-flipping robot, is now cooking food at CaliBurger, a restaurant in Pasadena. The robot has already received two warnings about hitting on the women working the drive thru, and cursed out the manager when he couldn’t get Memorial Day weekend off.

Some Amazon Alexa users are reporting a glitch where the voice assistant suddenly laughs out loud. Amazon is releasing a fix, but in the meantime advised men who own Amazon Echos not to walk around the house naked.

Medical workers in Milwaukee report one of the highest clusters of sexually transmitted diseases they’ve ever seen. Officials are calling the strains Gonorrhea High Life and Syphilis Blue Ribbon.

A 14-year-old boy was arrested for impersonating a sheriff’s deputy after pulling people over in Southern California while driving an SUV outfitted with blue & red lights. Locals suspected something was unusual when the deputy didn’t shoot anyone or use excessive force.

British prosecutors dropped charges against a suspect accused of swallowing drugs, after he refused to defecate for 47 days in police custody. The suspect was released, and two hours later EMTs responded to an explosion reported by neighbors at his residence.

McDonald’s inverted its iconic Golden Arches at one of its restaurants to form a ‘W’ in honor of International Women’s Day. Chief Diversity Officer said the move was “to honor the extraordinary accomplishments of women everywhere — like the ones cleaning our disgusting restrooms for $10/hour.”