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Grand Funk Railroad announced its summer tour, with special guests Little River Band and Blue Oyster Cult. Tickets are available by calling 1977.

A 9-year-old Utah girl and her 4-year-old sister wanted to swim in the ocean, so they drove the family car nearly 10 miles before getting into an accident. The 9-year-old also threatened to turn the car around and go back home if the 4-year-old kept asking for bathroom stops.

The defending NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs by the Phoenix Suns. Lakers star Lebron James announced he’s “taking his talents to Miami” for a beach vacation.

A pop-up shop in San Francisco features robots that paint fingernails for $8. The shop was closed temporarily when a woman shoved her foot in the machine and the robot blacked out.

An Australian woman claims to have contracted ‘foreign accent syndrome’, when she mysteriously acquired an Irish accent after awaking from a tonsillectomy. She also can no longer move her arms when she dances.

Tennis star Naomi Osaka, who withdrew from the French Open citing depression and anxiety, was named the world’s 12th highest-paid athlete, earning $77 million in 2020. Other athletes are also depressed – that they don’t make nearly as much.

Baseball’s Cleveland Indians have narrowed down the list of new team names. Owner Paul Dolan said the team is looking to distance itself from the current name, so they’ll only consider non-Native American ethnic slurs.

Out Leadership, a business advisory firm focused on inclusiveness, ranked the 50 U.S. states for LGBTQ+ inclusivity. New York finished first, South Carolina finished last, and Mississippi was omitted because they couldn’t spell LGBTQ.

More than a dozen U.S. cities are exploring minimal or zero police presence responding to “mental health” 911 calls. Behavioral experts say they’re perfectly capable of shooting mentally impaired people themselves.

‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ star Widow Von’Du was arrested for assault after allegedly beating up a man who refused to leave her apartment, leaving him with 14 stitches on his face & head. Von’Du is now the betting favorite to win ‘RuPaul’s Summer Slam’.

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President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen claims he paid $130,000 out of pocket to porn actress-slash-stripper Stormy Daniels, and was not reimbursed by any Trump organization. Cohen also said that the $130,000 was for Daniels to spend 130 nights with different Make-A-Wish kids.

Amy Schumer announced via Instagram that she has a new boyfriend, a celebrity chef. Next month Schumer debuts her new Netflix special, telling an hour of her favorite original recipes.

AAA released its newest list of Five Diamond hotels, their highest rating. “Maybe next year” said the manager of the newly-remodeled Motel 6 in Northeast Philadelphia.

A viral video is making the rounds of a gigantic wild boar in Hong Kong — dubbed “Pigzilla” — eating out of a dumpster. It’s the biggest boar to be spotted in an Asian nation since Mike Pence arrived in South Korea for the Olympics. [h/t to my friend Paul O., who first made a variation on this joke at the Indiana State Fair]

Amazon is laying off hundreds of employees. Estimates are as high as 400 lost jobs – 200 drones, and 200 people holding the remotes.

A judge, a pastor, and an actor were arrested in a prostitution sting in Naples, Florida. Officials called it ‘a joke setup that needs a little work.’

Shaun White won Olympic gold in snowboard halfpipe, then addressed sexual harassment allegations settled in 2016, where he sent the female drummer in his band pictures of erect fullpipe.

An Arizona woman went to bed with a bad headache and woke up with a British accent. Medical professionals say she has a rare condition called Foreign Accent Syndrome, or ‘Madonnaitis.’

Two mothers in Washington state claim that staffers at their children’s daycare waxed their eyebrows without permission. “Do you want your daughter to win the pageant or don’t you?” asked a daycare worker who requested anonymity.

The U.S. Bureau of Prisons is apparently so short-staffed with guards, that prison nurses and cooks are filling in. The bad news is that the workers fear for their safety; the good news is that prisoners are learning to stitch their own shiv wounds and get advice on food pairings with toilet wine.