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The White House wants to put nutrition labels on the front of food packages. An Oscar Mayer spokesperson said they’re fine doing so with Lunchables, since it would only require printing the word “None”.

Rachel Dolezal now has an Only Fans page. She’s offering a ‘2-for-1, Buy White Nudes, Get Black Nudes Free’ deal.

Finance company Citigroup named Grant Carson to lead its operations in Russia. Carson said it’s always been a dream of his to meet Britney Griner.

Actress Lili Reinhart said she struggled with body dysmorphia while filming the latest season of Riverdale – constantly worrying that she didn’t have big enough Jugheads.

Oregon State University’s bipedal robot, ‘Cassie’, established a new world record for the 100-meter dash in 24.73 seconds, but then was disqualified for giving a sample of synthetic motor oil.

‘Blonde‘, a fictional Marilyn Monroe biopic, is the first Netflix movie to get an NC-17 rating. Teenage boys will have to decide whether it’s worth their time, or if they should just stick with free online porn.

Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Myles Garrett suffered no serious injury in a single-vehicle car wreck. The Las Vegas Raiders are dealing with several injuries after their season began with an 0-3 train wreck.

University of California-affiliated colleges are struggling to find affordable housing for students, since they’re located in some of the most expensive markets in the state. Dumpy-looking students living in dorms are now not only able to hook up for months on end, but collect cheap rent.

M&Ms introduced the new Purple M&M cartoon character to its lineup. It’s an entirely new female character, not the Red M&M choking the Green one.

Scientists are concerned about a new super-STD, M.gen, that won’t go away regardless of treatment. They’re calling it the Madonna virus.

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Best Buy recalled over 700,000 air fryers because of a safety risk, with one reportedly causing burns to a child’s leg. Police also arrested a man accused of trying to eat a child’s leg.

The Kardashian family asked a judge to dismiss Blac Chyna’s defamation lawsuit against the family. Or, at the very least, to let them take pictures of each other in the courtroom since they each went three hours without posting anything to Instagram.

JC Penney made an $8.6 billion offer to buy Kohl’s. The deal is subject to antitrust review since the merged store would effectively corner the market on dumpy mom outfits.

General Motors announced they’ll launch a fully-electric Corvette around the 2024 model year, promising it’ll go from Zero to Totaled On A Telephone Pole in several seconds.

China will test 20 million citizens in an effort to lift the lockdown in Shanghai. The tests will take a couple of days, the hard part is getting everyone the pagers to let them know it’s their turn.

Delta Airlines will start paying flight attendants during boarding, versus when the aircraft door closes. Passengers are now encouraged to have their drunken fistfights before departure so the crew gets paid more during the delay.

Following the death of Japan’s 119-year-old Kane Tanaka, a French nun called Sister Andre is now the World’s Oldest Person at 118 years, 73 days. Sister Andre said she’s considering ending her career as a nun so she can finally have sex.

A doorbell camera captured an alligator scratching the door of a Florida home. Then a female alligator opened the door and said she wasn’t letting him in until he sobered up.

A Little League baseball game in South Carolina was halted due to gunshots. The game resumed after the kid in right field said the gun went off while he was cleaning it.

63-year-old Madonna posted on Instagram, wearing fishnet tights with her legs spread and grabbing her crotch. She captioned the photo “found my car keys”.

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North Korean leader Kim Jong Un banned leather jackets, to keep citizens from stealing his ‘look’. This is devastating news to the motorcycle-riding former Coolest Guy in North Korea, Han-zie.

Madonna criticized Instagram for removing photos she’d posted where her nipple was visible. Instagram said it wasn’t seeing the nipple that was offensive, it was seeing the bite marks that Dennis Rodman left there.

A webcam model posing nude with an 9mm pistol shot herself in the vagina. She was treated for her injuries and given Plan B, since neither she nor the gun was using protection.

Claudia Lennear, 74, the black woman who supposedly inspired the Rolling Stones’ ‘Brown Sugar‘, said she’s sad the band no longer plays it because of its controversial lyrics. The Stones said they may play an updated song about her, ‘Brown Dust’.

A New Zealand politician rode her bicycle to the hospital while in labor, where she delivered a healthy baby girl an hour later. Her husband gave her the ‘push present’ she asked for, a new bicycle seat.

A woman allegedly breastfed a cat on a Delta Air Lines flight, and refused to stop when confronted by flight attendants. The woman said it was the only way she could get the cat to stop crying.

Jack Dorsey is stepping down as CEO of Twitter, saying he’s had enough of being a leader, now he’ll be a follower.

Panera Bread is redesigning its restaurants to focus on a cozier dining space, improved drive-thrus, and a dedicated area for customers to ponder how it is they just spent $15 on a bowl of soup and half a sandwich.

A fan crowdsurfing at a GWAR concert in L.A. lost his prosthetic leg, but was reunited with it after the band asked for help. Not so lucky were the four people losing real limbs in the mosh pit.

A Guatemalan man survived a three-hour flight from Guatemala City to Miami as a stowaway in the landing gear compartment of an American Airlines jet. He was taken into custody, where he told authorities he didn’t have the $199 it takes to fly in the same spot on Spirit Airlines.

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Madonna turned 62 – but may wait the extra five years before collecting Social Security.

Greenland’s ice shelf has melted to the point where it now looks like Iceland.

A woman slapped an American Airlines gate agent after refusing to wear a face mask. She’s been banned for life from American Airlines, and welcomed with open arms on Spirit Airlines.

Donald Trump’s younger brother, Robert, passed away at a hospital in New York City. Donald visited him on Saturday to collect his absentee ballot before he went golfing.

Walmart is converting its parking lots into free drive-in movie theaters, at least until someone shoplifts the movies.

Scientists are concerned that air conditioning systems may be spreading coronavirus. Not cool.

A Catholic priest in Malawi reportedly impregnated 30 nuns. Everyone involved said it was “all-in-all, a pretty memorable Easter weekend”.

Japanese scientists discovered a new breed of worm. They plan to show it to the general public in weird Japanese porno movies.

A Tokyo architect created public restrooms with transparent walls. They’re free to use, and 1,000 yen to watch.

A home listed for sale at $350,000 in Fayette, Missouri has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a 9-cell jail in the basement. The seller is ‘a guy who’s been banned for life from Tinder’.

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Serena Williams & other pros will play Mario Tennis Aces on Nintendo Switch for charity. Williams promises this will be better than last time, when her Princess Peach was called for foot faults and threatened to ram the ball down Line Judge Luigi’s throat.

The NCAA will allow college athletes to make money from endorsements. Ten minutes after the ruling, every Division I basketball player had an endorsement deal with a marijuana dispensary or CBD oil company. 

A New Jersey woman who filed for unemployment benefits was sent a debit card in the mail with a zero balance. On the bright side, her VIP cardholder status entitles her to free Valet Parking at Dollar Tree. 

Meat packing workers ordered to return to their jobs are telling their employers they don’t feel safe. “Yeah, sure” say pigs, cows & chickens. 

Coronavirus experts believe Remdesivir – a drug developed to treat ebola – may be effective treating COVID-19. They’ve already started filming an ad with the Truvada for Prep guy with recovered victims dancing. 

Dogs are being trained to sniff for coronavirus. They’re asking if they can sniff people’s breath for a change. 

Madonna said she’s tested positive for coronavirus antibodies, and is planning to “breathe in the COVID-19 air” – presumably from the mouth of a guy 30 years younger than she is. 

Juul announced it’s vaporizing 40% of employees. 

Chick-fil-A is launching its first meal kit – the instructions are, you grab a hatchet, then open it in a small room so it’s easier to catch. 

A Walmart in Worcester, Massachusetts closed temporarily after 23 employees tested positive for coronavirus. Most of them are now greeters at the Intensive Care Unit. 

 

 

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A letter mailed by Abraham Lincoln just days before Christmas, 1863, sold at auction for $60k – by the family who just received it this past Friday.

Japan experienced its greatest natural population decline ever in 2018, with just 951.000 births. The slowdown was attributed to the devastating National Headache of 2017.

Madonna changed public relations firms, signing with Kelly Bush Novak. Novak is tasked with getting the world to remember that Madonna exists.

Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber paid off all of the layaways at two Compton, California Walmart locations. They did so after hearing about Tyler Perry & Kid Rock’s generosity doing the same, and followed through when they realized they didn’t have to actually set foot in a Compton, California Walmart.

Page Six reports that ‘Bull’ actor Michael Weatherly – a recent target of sexual harassment allegations by co-star Eliza Dushku – was the first person to have sexual intercourse with a teenage Jessica Alba. Weatherly offered no comment, but it’s been speculated that his harassment is a sign that it’s been all downhill since then.

The FDA is warning that unwashed avocado skins could lead to listeria poisoning, after seeing a rise in listeria poisoning among raccoons eating avocado skins out of Chipotle dumpsters.

A Reuters article claims that Amazon’s Alexa is occasionally offering up terrifying bits of advice via it’s “let’s chat” feature – telling one person to “kill your foster parents.” The person getting the device was upset a) because they didn’t know they were adopted; and b) Alexa didn’t tell them how to do the murder.

Comedian Pete Davidson was spotted watching Machine Gun Kelly perform at Cleveland State University, just a week after police made a wellness check following his Instagram post about not wanting to live. Friends think Davidson is showing renewed strength with his ability to endure an hour of terrible white-guy rap.

Wendy Williams apologized for slurring her words during an interview on her daytime talk show, attributing the behavior to painkillers she’d been taking for a shoulder injury. Her viewers have been especially understanding, since so many of them take drugs to enable them to sit through the Wendy Williams Show.

‘Flip or Flop’ co-star Christina El Moussa had an intimate secret, wedding to new husband Ant Anstead in Newport Beach, California. On their wedding night, they saw each other naked and budgeted $75,000 for renovations.

 

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President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen claims he paid $130,000 out of pocket to porn actress-slash-stripper Stormy Daniels, and was not reimbursed by any Trump organization. Cohen also said that the $130,000 was for Daniels to spend 130 nights with different Make-A-Wish kids.

Amy Schumer announced via Instagram that she has a new boyfriend, a celebrity chef. Next month Schumer debuts her new Netflix special, telling an hour of her favorite original recipes.

AAA released its newest list of Five Diamond hotels, their highest rating. “Maybe next year” said the manager of the newly-remodeled Motel 6 in Northeast Philadelphia.

A viral video is making the rounds of a gigantic wild boar in Hong Kong — dubbed “Pigzilla” — eating out of a dumpster. It’s the biggest boar to be spotted in an Asian nation since Mike Pence arrived in South Korea for the Olympics. [h/t to my friend Paul O., who first made a variation on this joke at the Indiana State Fair]

Amazon is laying off hundreds of employees. Estimates are as high as 400 lost jobs – 200 drones, and 200 people holding the remotes.

A judge, a pastor, and an actor were arrested in a prostitution sting in Naples, Florida. Officials called it ‘a joke setup that needs a little work.’

Shaun White won Olympic gold in snowboard halfpipe, then addressed sexual harassment allegations settled in 2016, where he sent the female drummer in his band pictures of erect fullpipe.

An Arizona woman went to bed with a bad headache and woke up with a British accent. Medical professionals say she has a rare condition called Foreign Accent Syndrome, or ‘Madonnaitis.’

Two mothers in Washington state claim that staffers at their children’s daycare waxed their eyebrows without permission. “Do you want your daughter to win the pageant or don’t you?” asked a daycare worker who requested anonymity.

The U.S. Bureau of Prisons is apparently so short-staffed with guards, that prison nurses and cooks are filling in. The bad news is that the workers fear for their safety; the good news is that prisoners are learning to stitch their own shiv wounds and get advice on food pairings with toilet wine.

 

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Hurricane Irma is expected to hit South Florida later this week. Experts are concerned that it will arrive as a Category 5 hurricane, but expressed hope that Irma will pass through EPCOT Center and die of boredom.

  • Florida residents are being told to either evacuate, or take cover in the nearest sinkhole.

Madonna told her Instagram followers that she’d moved to Lisbon, Portugal over the summer. She would have shared the news sooner, but needed time to perfect a phony Portugese accent.

A 9 year-old Turkish boy with a rare cardiac condition – Brugada syndrome – had his heart stop as he bit in to a hot dog. He was resuscitated, and finished the hot dog after his mother cut it in to small pieces.

The WNBA Atlanta Dream fired coach Michael Cooper after sending him a text reading ‘we need to talk’.

Avocado prices are soaring to record highs. Chipotle workers are now saying “a lot more”.

The Boston Red Sox are accused of stealing signs from the New York Yankees during games this past weekend using iPhones and an Apple Watch. The cheating was confirmed when Red Sox coaches congratulated the Yankees baserunners on reaching 10,000 steps.

  • Red Sox coaches admitted to Major League Baseball officials that they made pitching changes to stall for time while waiting for iOS Updates.

President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced plans to revoke DACA – Deferred Actions for Childhood Arrivals – raising fear among  ‘Dreamers’, illegal immigrants who arrived in the U.S. as children. Apple and Microsoft, however, promised to shield their ‘Dreamer’ workers, since those iPads and laptops aren’t going to build themselves.

A Swiss firm, Barry Callebaut, has introduced ‘red chocolate’, made from what it calls ruby cocoa beans. Red chocolate would join dark, milk and white chocolates as a cheap way to get through Valentine’s Day.

The Vice Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Stanley Fischer, announced he is stepping down October 13th. Fed Chairman Janet Yellen said that she is now planning the world’s most boring retirement party in the break room.

 

 

 

 

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Lindsay Lohan tweeted that everyone should “stop bullying” President Trump. “Mission Accomplished!” said Melania Trump, declaring her long-awaited anti-bullying campaign a success.

CEO Elon Musk blamed battery shortages for slower-than-expected shipments of Tesla electric cars, claiming that batteries are even harder to get now that most Radio Shacks are closed.

QVC is acquiring Home Shopping Network, making it the Amazon of Old Southern Ladies.

New research from the University of Pennsylvania says that being the target of ‘trash talk’ can make you motivated and more productive. “I’ll say! How do you think we got that nuclear missile done so fast?” said Kim Jong Un.

Doctors writing in the Journal of Otolaryngology reiterated their opinion that cotton swabs should not be used to clean ear wax. Q Tips responded with a new ad campaign touting the benefits of nose picking.

President Trump is set to meet Vladimir Putin in Poland. Asked if he required a Russian-to-English translator, Trump said no, that he’s a smart guy and can read lips.

Melania Trump joined her husband in Poland, touring the Copernicus Science Center in Warsaw. She was presented with a 3D-printed high-heeled shoe by a student. Melania asked if she could return the shoe for store credit.

Madonna shared a letter from the late Tupac Shakur, which he sent from prison and admitted to ending their romance because she was white. “It’s not me, it’s you” he wrote, continuing “I hope that we can remain Thug Friends.”

Amazon.com is partnering to make and sell wine. The FAA has already reported a spike in drunk drones.

Ronda Rousey appeared on Live With Kelly & Ryan to promote her captaincy on the reboot of Battle of the Network Stars – a captaincy which ended in a first-round knockout at the hands of some kid from the Disney Channel.

The mother of a 2 year-old boy had to hold him in her lap on a flight from Honolulu to Boston, even though she bought him a ticket. United mistakenly sold his seat a second time. Although the toddler remained on the flight, United still dragged his teddy bear up the aisle and off the plane.

The owner of Hobby Lobby was fined $3 million for illegal smuggling and possession of biblical artifacts from Iran. He is also ordered to return the artifacts, just as soon as he removes the glitter paint and stickers from them.