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Ivanka Trump will be in Pyeongchang to lead the United States delegation during closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. After leaving South Korea she’ll visit underdeveloped Asian regions to see how they’re coming on her fall clothing line.

  • During the ceremonies, Ivanka will wear an old CCCP Soviet Union hockey jersey: Complicit Criminals Cooperating with the President.

Wonder Woman Gal Gadot will be a presenter for this year’s Academy Awards. As a bonus, before the show she’ll be on the red carpet lassoing Harvey Weinstein and other producers to get them to say the horrible things they’ve done.

President Trump advocated for teachers trained to carry firearms in the classroom to “get a little bit of a bonus.” Asked if the gun or ammo would qualify for a tax deduction, he said absolutely not.

Star of Mama June: From Not To Hot June Shannon, who’d recently lost 300 pounds, was rushed to a hospital for emergency eye surgery. Shannon experienced a detached retina, which popped off her eyeball when someone placed a Big Mac and fries in front of her.

President Trump looked at his hair on a television as he addressed the Conservative Political Action Conference, saying he “tries like hell to hide the bald spot.” And, like many of his other plans, it falls apart in a stiff breeze.

West Virginia school teachers launched a statewide walkout, canceling classes in all 55 counties, leaving behind all 50 students.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens was charged with felony invasion of privacy for taking nude photos of his hairdresser and threatening to release them following their sexual affair.  Asked if he had any other nude images, he said no, just those Great Clips.

Mark Roberts, a male streaker with a monkey puppet covering his penis, jumped onto the Olympic speed skating oval and walked around for several minutes. His penis was never exposed, so afterward he met with French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis to exchange wardrobe design tips.

Snapchat stock fell sharply after Kylie Jenner tweeted her dissatisfaction with the app’s redesign. Some executives called it an overreaction. “Kylie Jenner doesn’t like our products either, and we’re fine” said the CEOs of companies making shoelaces and birth control.

A new startup, Buttrcup, lets men & women post “non-pornographic” nude pictures of themselves and collect fees from users who subscribe to their feed. The founders say that Buttrcup is a great way for models to figure out that porn is where the real money is.

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Some parents are boycotting the film Peter Rabbit over a scene where Peter shoots a blackberry into his human nemesis’ mouth, triggering an allergic anaphylactic shock. These parents are also demanding that MGM reedit Tom & Jerry cartoons to depict accurate cranial hemorrhaging when Tom is struck with a frying pan, instead of his skull taking on the shape of the pan.

Toronto, Canada serial killer suspect Bruce McArthur was a seasonal Santa Claus at the Agincourt Mall. No incidents were reported during his time in the mall as Santa, but police detectives say several of the alleged killer’s victims weren’t that great at making cookies.

Vanessa Trump, wife of Donald Trump, Jr, was taken to a New York hospital after opening an envelope addressed to her husband containing a suspicious white substance. Melania Trump expressed her regret, saying when she saw the white powder she thought it was finally time to party.

An 84-year-old California woman was arrested for firing a handgun toward her neighbor’s children because they were “being noisy”. Betty Sanders fired the gun at children, ages 8 to 10, as they rode toy motorcycles in a yard just 20 feet away. Sanders was charged with suspicion of assault, child endangerment, and being a terrible shot.

South Korean officials have confirmed 194 cases of norovirus at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics; everyone else skipped the North Korean kimchi in the cafeteria.

New data from the Brookings Institution ranks the ten cities where millennials most want to move. Topping the list is Colorado Springs, Colorado. Regarding the reasons for their ranking, millennials cited legal marijuana and…that’s about it.

A 38-year-old Texas teacher and mother of two died from the flu, after refusing to take prescription Tamiflu because it cost $116. Burial arrangements are pending, once her husband finds the price he wants on a shovel at Home Depot.

A Utah elementary school told students they “must say yes” if asked to dance at the school Valentine’s Day party. School officials say the policy is to “promote kindness”, but also say they’ve been buried by ticket requests to the party from suspicious adult men.

An Oregon woman has become the first person in the world to have her eye infested by tiny worms that are ordinarily found only in cattle. Doctors removed 12 of the worms and advised that she avoid breastfeeding for a while.

Lavar Ball said that his son Lonzo won’t re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers unless his younger brothers LiAngelo and LaMelo are also signed – a demand that the Lakers called Lidiculous.

Gun maker Remington Arms is filing for bankruptcy. They plan to file reorganization plans in court, or just shoot their way out of it.