Fireball faces a class action lawsuit in 12 states for misleading customers that mini-bottles sold at gas stations are whisky, but contain no whisky at all. The lawsuit is unique in that all of the plaintiffs are 16 years old.

Retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin married 63-year-old Dr. Anca Faur on his 93rd birthday. Her vibrator is also named Buzz Aldrin.

Home Depot founder Bernie Marcus, who retired in 2002, claims that ‘nobody works anymore’ because of socialism and ‘woke people who have taken over the world’. Marcus made the claims after wandering around a Home Depot for a half-hour looking for a woke socialist to tell him where the screwdrivers are.

Grocery & retail stores are losing shopping carts in record numbers. They blame homelessness, carts being sold for scrap metal, and Cub Scouts who want roomier Soap Box Derby cars.

A police officer punched a woman several times following a dispute after she attempted to return a McDonald’s Big Mac for not having the extra toppings she paid for. He’s been placed on leave from McDonaldland P.D. according to Mayor McCheese.

A woman who lost her virginity at 17 to a 30-year-old man and disliked it claims to have paid $10,000 to have her hymen reconstructed. She’s now saving herself for a guy who’ll pay her $10,000, just in case the third time’s the charm.

Disney Parks Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser Hotel is reportedly failing due to the $6,000 price tag for a two-night stay – and stiff competition down the block from the $69/night Mos Eisley Cantina Red Roof Inn with real galactic prostitutes.

Pamela Anderson claims in her new memoir that Tim Allen flashed his penis at her when she was his co-star on sitcom Home Improvement. She also claims the guy who played ‘Wilson’ did it too through a hole in the fence.

Spotify announced it’s cutting 6% of jobs, disappointing fired workers, and also disappointing everyone hoping the cuts included Joe Rogan.

A British woman who lost all of her limbs from sepsis won a $48 million settlement against the hospital for releasing her early – marking the first time a hospital stay cost both the patient and the hospital an arm and a leg.

After an injection with mushroom tea, a man was discovered to have hallucinogenic ‘magic’ mushrooms growing in his blood. He opened a concession stand selling it to vampires at Phish concerts.

President Jimmy Carter posed with a guitar made with wood from a tree he’d planted. It sounds better than the one he had made from peanut shells.

Australia will euthanize a pigeon that flew all the way from Oregon. “Great, kill the messenger”, said the pigeon.

New Jersey teachers are outraged that smokers are prioritized to get the COVID-19 vaccine before they are, and are even more jealous of the hot-looking teachers who smoke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner reportedly prevented Secret Service agents from using the bathrooms in their house, so they had to rent a nearby apartment. However, as a goodwill gesture, Jared donated his old copies of Juggs magazine for them to read.

Donald Trump reportedly told aides not to pay lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s $20,000/day legal fees. Fortunately, after 40-plus failed lawsuits, Trump has accumulated enough Rudy Reward Points to settle most of his bill that way.

Airlines are temporarily banning passengers bound for Washington DC airports from checking firearms in their bags. However, Spirit Airlines is offering an in-flight deal where you can purchase a bulkhead row seat and handgun for just $449.

Newly-elected Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville called for delaying the inauguration of Joe Biden, and was informed the inauguration date is in the Constitution. He then asked one of his assistants how many timeouts he had left.

Melania Trump tweeted about the “legacy” of her Be Best anti-bullying inititative. So far as anyone can tell, the legacy is a truckload of Be Best t-shirts ready for shipping to the next victims of an earthquake.

NASA abandoned its InSight mission to drill 10 feet in to the surface of Mars, because the soil would clump and prevent the drill from entering. It’s now a race against time to get the drill back to Earth before Home Depot refuses to refund the purchase.

A tourist from London visiting the Jersey Shore was impaled in her lower leg by a flying beach umbrella. When New Jerseyans heard a woman was impaled, they offered her sunscreen.

  • After her bleeding was stopped, the woman was rushed to the Jersey Shore Critical Care Center – which is a casino nurse’s office where they take old people whose oxygen tanks run out while they’re playing slots.

Skytrax’ World Airline Awards named Singapore Airlines the best in the world. “Well, then let’s take them to see the grandkids in Louisiana!” said an old man in Arkansas who doesn’t understand how airlines work.

President Trump attempted to walk back his press conference remarks about Russian election meddling, stating he meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia” but instead he said ‘would’.  He compared it to 2005, when he told Melania he would be banging a porn star at a golf tournament when he meant to say wouldn’t.

Instagram user @magbody mistakenly congratulated plus-size supermodel Ashley Graham on her ‘baby bump’, when Graham isn’t pregnant. Graham replied that the bump was fat, and @magbody told Graham to stop saying her unborn baby is fat.

Florida’s coastal seaweed bloom could be the worst in history – hurting beach tourism, smothering sea turtle hatchlings and emitting a horrible odor. Wildlife officials have a plan in place to get rid of it, they’re just waiting for a big enough sinkhole to throw it in.

A woman who believed that her doctor touched her inappropriately during an office visit set up a hidden camera on her next visit. She showed the video to police and Dr. James Dyess, 57, was charged with sexual battery. Dyess was taken into custody and asked for a copy of the video.

A new study in Journal of Psychological Science claims 40 percent of people have a “first memory” that is fictional. Scientists claim that most first memories date from 3 years of age or older, and urge parents to stop blowing money taking 2-year-olds to Disney World.

Google announced that Nest home security products CEO Marwan Fawaz is leaving the company, as Nest products are moved under the Google Home Division. Google said Fawaz isn’t leaving the Nest, the Nest is leaving him.

Apple unveiled 70 new emojis to mark World Emoji Day on Tuesday – including new redheads, bald heads, and an expression to show how much harder it is to find the emoji you want.

A Florida woman was arrested after her pet spider monkey, ‘Spanky’, was accused of attacking Home Depot employees.  The Home Depot worker claims the monkey jumped from a shopping cart and grabbed him, leaving marks on his neck. Spanky claims the worker purposely sold him the wrong socket wrench.

Some parents are boycotting the film Peter Rabbit over a scene where Peter shoots a blackberry into his human nemesis’ mouth, triggering an allergic anaphylactic shock. These parents are also demanding that MGM reedit Tom & Jerry cartoons to depict accurate cranial hemorrhaging when Tom is struck with a frying pan, instead of his skull taking on the shape of the pan.

Toronto, Canada serial killer suspect Bruce McArthur was a seasonal Santa Claus at the Agincourt Mall. No incidents were reported during his time in the mall as Santa, but police detectives say several of the alleged killer’s victims weren’t that great at making cookies.

Vanessa Trump, wife of Donald Trump, Jr, was taken to a New York hospital after opening an envelope addressed to her husband containing a suspicious white substance. Melania Trump expressed her regret, saying when she saw the white powder she thought it was finally time to party.

An 84-year-old California woman was arrested for firing a handgun toward her neighbor’s children because they were “being noisy”. Betty Sanders fired the gun at children, ages 8 to 10, as they rode toy motorcycles in a yard just 20 feet away. Sanders was charged with suspicion of assault, child endangerment, and being a terrible shot.

South Korean officials have confirmed 194 cases of norovirus at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics; everyone else skipped the North Korean kimchi in the cafeteria.

New data from the Brookings Institution ranks the ten cities where millennials most want to move. Topping the list is Colorado Springs, Colorado. Regarding the reasons for their ranking, millennials cited legal marijuana and…that’s about it.

A 38-year-old Texas teacher and mother of two died from the flu, after refusing to take prescription Tamiflu because it cost $116. Burial arrangements are pending, once her husband finds the price he wants on a shovel at Home Depot.

A Utah elementary school told students they “must say yes” if asked to dance at the school Valentine’s Day party. School officials say the policy is to “promote kindness”, but also say they’ve been buried by ticket requests to the party from suspicious adult men.

An Oregon woman has become the first person in the world to have her eye infested by tiny worms that are ordinarily found only in cattle. Doctors removed 12 of the worms and advised that she avoid breastfeeding for a while.

Lavar Ball said that his son Lonzo won’t re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers unless his younger brothers LiAngelo and LaMelo are also signed – a demand that the Lakers called Lidiculous.

Gun maker Remington Arms is filing for bankruptcy. They plan to file reorganization plans in court, or just shoot their way out of it.

Bridal gown retailer Alfred Angelo suddenly declared bankruptcy, leaving over 7,500 brides who had bought their dresses angry, and 7,500 grooms faking being just as angry.

The 8th person at the infamous Donald Trump Jr. meeting with Russians at Trump Tower has been identified. He is ‘The Guy Who Reserved The Conference Room They’re In, Asking If They’re Almost Done Or If He Should Just Use A Different Room.’

The GOP Better Care Act appears to be doomed, as more Republican Senators pull their support. An angry President Trump said that Congress should Let Obamacare Die — which, coincidentally, is the name selected for the GOP’s 3rd Version of a health care bill.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller told the Senate Judiciary Committee that they could call Donald Trump Jr and Paul Manafort to testify publicly about their interactions with the Russians. Committee Democrats were not available for comment, at least until they returned from a trip to Home Depot to buy pitchforks and torches.

A team of teenage Afghan women – initially barred from entering the U.S. – arrived to compete in the first Global Robotics Challenge in Washington D.C. Their robot is capable of gathering and sorting balls by color. No plans for a trip to The White House, since the robot would be incapable of finding any balls to sort.

Chipotle stock dropped 6% as reports surfaced of norovirus at a restaurant in Virginia. The restaurant closed temporarily to be completely sanitized. Customers who insisted on eating tainted food anyway were directed to nearby Arby’s and Taco Bell locations.

A retired Nevada corrections officer described the prison housing OJ Simpson as “a cruise ship with barbed wire.” In other words, a Carnival Cruise ship.

WalMart apologized for racist language on its website. The color of a cap for sale there was listed as “ni**er brown”. The listing for the cap was pulled entirely, even though “ni**er brown was outselling “cracker white” by ten-to-one.

Embark Veterinary, a canine genetics testing startup, has raised $4.5 million. It’s one of the first of its kind to offer genetics reports for dogs, similar to those offered for humans like Ancestry.com or 23andMe. The purpose is for dog owners to better understand the health needs of their pets, and for dogs to have boring conversations just like Ancestry.com customers do.

  • The founders considered offering similar reports for cats, before concluding that nobody cared.

Harley Davidson execs gave a disappointing sales forecast for the year, while saying they planned to lay off 5,400 employees. Those laid off workers will be given outplacement and discounts on choppers they can ride until they find themselves, mannnnnn…

  • Execs blamed the sales decline on lower volumes of middle managers who dream of being in Hells Angels.

Pizza Hut announced it’s hiring 14,000 new drivers. 13,000 to deliver pizzas, and 1,000 to drive customers to the emergency room.

The bodies of a Swiss couple who disappeared 75 years ago were found at the edge of a melting glacier. The couple, Marcelin and Francine Doumoulin, went to milk cows in a meadow and never returned. Their bodies were found in excellent condition, but unfortunately, the milk was sour.

Fox News host Sean Hannity slammed Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, saying he is “so anti-Trump”…the first case of the Fair Pot calling the Balanced Kettle black.

A new study states that Millennials are more willing to use credit to buy experiences, as opposed to incurring debt for material things. Among the experiences millennials cited are travel, learning new skills, and bankruptcy court.