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A pet pig in Indianapolis is being hailed as a hero for scaring off burglars during a break-in. The homeowners were away at the time. Police investigating the crime say that the criminals were either scared away by the pig, or by the way the house looked while the pig lived there alone.

Apple is the first U.S. publicly-traded company to reach $1 trillion in value. Analysts say Apple shares are so valuable because – unlike Apple phones – you can actually expect them to keep working for you 18 months after you buy them.

The GirlCrew app is gaining popularity – it works like Tinder, only it allows women to find new platonic female friends to hang out with. GirlCrew currently enjoys a four-star rating on the Apple App Store, despite some one-star ratings from disappointed lesbians.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to say that the press is not “the enemy of the people”, despite repeated prodding from CNN’s Jim Acosta at Thursday’s briefing. Her performance was criticized by members of the press, and by Fonzie, who said he finally learned to say when he was “wrong”.

San Francisco’s Café X is using robot baristas to make specialty coffees. The robots are programmed to ask regulars how their screenplay is coming; use motion sensors to call the cops on anyone who doesn’t move for an hour; and can lift a 25-pound dumbbell attached to the restroom key.

Dozens of goats are roaming unsupervised in a Boise, Idaho neighborhood, presumably because – like many Boise residents – they can’t find anything fun to do.

Texas Rangers second baseman Rougned Odor became the first player in MLB history to draw five walks in a game and also hit a home run – making him an extremely pleasant Odor.

Amazon is purging its Marketplace from extremist merchandise after it was found merchants were selling products with white nationalist branding. The products included baby ‘onesies’ with cross-burning imagery and swastika pendants. The move left residents of Wilkes Barre PA scrambling for apparel to wear to Thursday’s Trump rally.

A New Mexico father was jailed following a viral video of him encouraging his 12-year-old daughter to beat up another girl. The man announced plans to leave the area upon his release, and move to a city where they have youth hockey.

The Social Security Administration listed its Top 1,000 baby names. In 2017, only 51 girls in the U.S. were named ‘Isis’. And they’re all having a reeeeeeallly hard time getting play dates.

 

 

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Online influence calculator Klout is closing down at the end of May, after they calculated the most effective positive online influencing tactic was never mentioning Klout.

Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz announced a new policy – anyone is welcome to use Starbucks bathrooms. whether they’re a paying customer or not. Schultz added “well, you can go in them, whether you can stand to use them is up to you.”

The open-bathroom policy at Starbucks was lauded by skeevy heroin addicts who are concerned that they’re not getting the privacy they need at public libraries.

The cast of The Love Boat reunited on The Today Show. They all spoke lovingly of the show, but collectively said their biggest regret was failing to get Charo together with Horshack from Welcome Back Cotter.

A bear in Rockaway Township, New Jersey broke into the SUV of a bakery owner, smashing the window and eating two dozen cupcakes that were left inside. Worse, the bear then left a two-star Yelp review of the bakery, saying the icing was too gritty.

A naked man was arrested at Daytona Beach airport for making a bomb threat. He was apprehended by TSA agents who told him multiple times that he only needed to remove his shoes and belt.

Liam is the most popular name given to newborn boys in the U.S. in 2017, according to the Social Security Administration – the least popular being Donald, Jr.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly told NPR that the Russia investigation of Special Counsel Robert Mueller causes President Trump to be embarrassed in meetings with other world leaders.  Not his hair, not his vocabulary, not his alleged cheating with porn stars, not shady business dealings…just Russia.

Town & Country magazine withdrew an invitation to Monica Lewinsky to attend an event on ‘social change’ when they found out President Bill Clinton planned to be there. Lewinsky criticized their poor etiquette, and Town & Country apologized, saying they should have known Lewinsky would want to be there when Clinton came.

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics released a list of the most “disproportionately popular jobs” in 40 major U.S. cities. In New York, fashion designers are highly concentrated; in Los Angeles, makeup artists.  Cities in Mississippi and Alabama weren’t listed since they don’t know what ‘disproportionately’ means.

White House adviser Jared Kushner and GOP Senator John Cornyn are touring a federal penitentiary outside of Dallas as part of a campaign for prison reform, and for Jared to interview roommates.