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After an injection with mushroom tea, a man was discovered to have hallucinogenic ‘magic’ mushrooms growing in his blood. He opened a concession stand selling it to vampires at Phish concerts.

President Jimmy Carter posed with a guitar made with wood from a tree he’d planted. It sounds better than the one he had made from peanut shells.

Australia will euthanize a pigeon that flew all the way from Oregon. “Great, kill the messenger”, said the pigeon.

New Jersey teachers are outraged that smokers are prioritized to get the COVID-19 vaccine before they are, and are even more jealous of the hot-looking teachers who smoke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner reportedly prevented Secret Service agents from using the bathrooms in their house, so they had to rent a nearby apartment. However, as a goodwill gesture, Jared donated his old copies of Juggs magazine for them to read.

Donald Trump reportedly told aides not to pay lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s $20,000/day legal fees. Fortunately, after 40-plus failed lawsuits, Trump has accumulated enough Rudy Reward Points to settle most of his bill that way.

Airlines are temporarily banning passengers bound for Washington DC airports from checking firearms in their bags. However, Spirit Airlines is offering an in-flight deal where you can purchase a bulkhead row seat and handgun for just $449.

Newly-elected Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville called for delaying the inauguration of Joe Biden, and was informed the inauguration date is in the Constitution. He then asked one of his assistants how many timeouts he had left.

Melania Trump tweeted about the “legacy” of her Be Best anti-bullying inititative. So far as anyone can tell, the legacy is a truckload of Be Best t-shirts ready for shipping to the next victims of an earthquake.

NASA abandoned its InSight mission to drill 10 feet in to the surface of Mars, because the soil would clump and prevent the drill from entering. It’s now a race against time to get the drill back to Earth before Home Depot refuses to refund the purchase.

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Nevada police are investigating a violent incident at Circus Circus Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip, where three people were Shot Shot.

A man invented a robot that puts on and removes his contact lenses. The robot puts them on in the morning, and takes them out at night after they’ve finished having sex.

An 8-year-old Texas boy won $500 for capturing the Kid’s Division in the National Mullet Championship. The Adult Division was postponed due to conflicts with post-election militia meetings.

Donald Trump has not yet conceded defeat in the presidential election. Jared Kushner asked him to reconsider, and Melania Trump asked him to accept defeat and divorce papers.

An earthquake was felt near Boston. Experts confirmed it was, in fact, a seismological event after learning the Patriots hadn’t lost again.

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek passed away at age 80. His wife and heirs await the reading of his Final Jeopardy! to see what he wagered on each of them. [RIP Alex Trebek.]

McDonald’s will try out new automatic-order-taking lanes at drive-thrus, for the thousands of customers who have difficulty placing orders while drunk.

Pfizer claims to have a COVID-19 vaccine that’s 90% effective in human trials. They plan to release more details right after the 10th guy’s autopsy.

Jay & Kateri Schwandt of Grand Rapids, Michigan welcomed baby daughter Maggie, their first girl after having 14 sons. They expect toilet training to be a challenge, after Maggie repeatedly runs out of the bathroom when it’s finally her turn.

Columbia and Cornell University researchers have developed a nasal spray that kills the coronavirus – but you really, really need to like the smell of Lysol.

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Pennsylvania health officials traced 11 cases of COVID-19 to a Memorial Day party at the Jersey Shore. Test swabs were positive for coronavirus and Acqua di Gio cologne.

A retired Navy officer resigned his board seat on the Naval Academy Alumni Association after mistakenly broadcasting a racist conversation with his wife on Facebook Live. He was then named to the board of Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University Sailing Club.

Google Maps added new COVID-19 alerts. Right now, most Americans are just a five minute drive from COVID-19.

Jeff Bezos shared an email from an angry man named Dave, laced with racist rhetoric and condemning Bezos’ support for Black Lives Matter. Bezos told Dave he’s “the kind of customer I’m happy to lose” and “get back to delivering packages”.

A Philadelphia ShopRite grocery store reopened after being looted for 15 hours straight last weekend. Looters formed long lines at the reopening to get loyalty reward points for what they stole.

MIT scientists fit tens of thousands of artificial intelligence brain synapses on a microchip smaller than a piece of confetti. Now they just need to convince dumb people to snort confetti.

Vanity Fair published a rumor that Trump is considering firing son-in-law Jared Kushner. He’s displeased with Kushner’s handling of recent crises, and thinks it would be easy to replace him now that Barron is on summer break.

Execs at mobile video startup Quibi apparently are upsetting show creators by giving intense, harsh feedback. For instance, they sent multiple notes to producers of Chrissy Teigen’s show ‘Chrissy’s Court’; that read “please stop”.

Hayden Panettiere got a new tattoo on the back of her neck. “Hey, cool tattoo” said a guy who’s gotten to know Hayden Panettiere pretty well lately.

Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. – season 6 winner of America’s Got Talent – addressed former celebrity judge Gabrielle Union’s claims of racism, saying he never experienced it as a black man, but that he’s never been asked back to the show. Simon Cowell responded “who’s Landau Eugene Murphy Jr.?”

 

 

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Pew Research claims millennials may have difficulty buying a home, because wealthy baby boomers are divorcing and taking the inventory. Or, millennials can decide to hook up with a divorced 60-year-old.

Kim Chavez, owner of Wyoming strip club The Den, spoke to USA Today about the pandemic: “We knew that once our doors closed, we were screwed until we could reopen.” Now they’ve reopened, dancers wear masks, and are screwed in the Champagne Room.

Anosmia, or losing your sense of smell and taste, has been added to the official list of coronavirus symptoms in the United Kingdom. “Great!” said the U.K. general manager of KFC restaurants.

As quarantine restrictions continue, more Americans are using their cars as office space. Some have even hired consultants who have extensive experience working in cars: prostitutes.

FC Seoul, a soccer team in South Korea, apologized after the team used rubber sex dolls to fill the stands, holding up signs for the company that makes them. FC Seoul players were even more disappointed, thinking they finally had groupies.

Grubhub users discovered that Pasqually’s Pizza & Wings is really food made at Chuck E. Cheese locations. They figured it out when the food was delivered by a giant rat who insisted on doing song & dance routines.

Apple Stores are planning to slowly reopen. They’ve slowly downloaded the reopening plan and are just waiting for it to slowly install before restarting.

An Ocean City, Maryland restaurant, Fish Tales, is enforcing social distancing by making patrons eat & drink while standing inside of giant inner tubes on wheels. The good news is blackout drunks’ heads just bounce off it.

John Krasinski’s quarantine hit YouTube series ‘Some Good News’ went on hiatus after its 8th episode. Its rumored replacement is ‘Some Terrible News’ which is Jared Kushner talking to a smartphone camera about his day.

The U.S. reportedly needs up to 180,000 ‘contact tracers’ to gauge exposure from those with COVID-19. They seek tech-savvy people with success investigating others’ location using the phone and social media .. so, dumped boyfriends & girlfriends.

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Two-time Indy 500 winner Al Unser Jr. was arrested for driving while intoxicated. He was arrested after making a pit stop in a Burger King drive thru and yelling about how long it was taking to get four fresh tires.

The FCC approved a $26 Billion merger between T-Mobile and Sprint. The two company CEOs attempted to speak by phone, but the call dropped after 15 seconds.

Little Caesars is partnering with Impossible Foods on a pizza topped with plant-based sausage. The meatless sausage would become the fifth-weirdest ingredient in a $5 Little Caesars pizza.

Fans took to social media to complain about the series finale of HBO’s ‘Game Of Thrones’, some vowing never to use their friend’s HBO Go password again for at least another week.

A Wall St Journal study claims Millennials are nearing middle age in worse financial shape than every living generation that preceded them, despite having record-high levels of education. So, they’re smart enough to know how poor they are.

President Trump lashed out on Twitter after the New York Times reported Deutsche Bank had flagged transactions linked to him & Jared Kushner for money laundering. Trump said he didn’t need banks, and had never been to a money laundry in his life.

Billionaire Robert Smith, honorary degree recipient at Morehouse College, said in his commencement speech that he’s using $40 million to retire the student loans of all 2019 graduates.  Strayer University said Queen Latifah will not be doing so for graduates watching the speech she was Photoshopped into.

Facebook is experimenting with robotics, including leveraging “curiosity” to help robots learn faster via artificial intelligence. To demonstrate, one robot vaguebooked “..what a day..” and another robot asked “Hope you’re okay!”

Users of the new Google Pixel 3a budget phone are reporting that it shuts itself off once a day without warning. Google said they’re unaware of the problem, but advised affected users to try giving the phone something interesting to do.

Ford is laying off 2,000 headquarters employees, in news that the CEO described as Ford Tough.

 

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Police in Oklahoma pulled over a woman driving a car with a tire missing and a full margarita in her cup holder. Police told her that they could see her rim, and she told them it has salt on it.

Facebook plans to implement a Content Oversight Board to review material posted there. Board members must like kittens and be able to read & speak Russian.

Burger King is partnering with Impossible Foods to offer a new version of its Whopper made with plant protein containing no meat. They plan to introduce it with an original Whopper ad slogan – it takes two hands to toss the Veggie Whopper in the garbage.

Carly Rae Jepsen will release her fourth album, ‘Dedicated’, next month. “Buy it, maybe” said Jepsen, reminding everyone who she is.

A second female is accusing former VP Joe Biden of inappropriate behavior, saying he leaned in to rub her nose against his. When Biden’s nose touched hers, the golden retriever puppy ran away.

Magician David Blaine is being investigated by the NYPD following claims of sexual assault. Police issued a search warrant to Blaine, seeking to find the bottom halves of the women.

The Global Drug Survey – conducted with 22,000 respondents worldwide – reveals people in Britain are most likely to combine sex and drugs. Anything to avoid British food.

Gmail added a message scheduling feature. So, go ahead and write that email firing people and schedule it to send at 4:45p.m.. on the Friday before your two-week vacation.

A California couple found a hidden camera disguised as a smoke detector above the bed in the Airbnb they’d rented. They discovered it when the speaker on the smoke detector told them to stop smoking because it was tough to see them having sex.

Jared Kushner said that ex-felons in Florida – now eligible to vote – are part of ‘the new coalition that President Trump is building’. By ‘coalition’ it’s presumed that Kushner means ‘staff’, either at the White House or Mar-A-Lago.

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Twitter’s emoji for the U.S./North Korea #Singaporesummit depicts a high-five between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. They were asked to redo it several times to make Trump’s hands the same size as Un’s.

Uber’s Chief Brand Officer Bozoma Saint John is leaving to become Chief Marketing Officer for Endeavor, an entertainment agency conglomerate. She’s excited to leave the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by underpaid cab drivers for the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by overpaid Hollywood agents.

Snapchat announced that you’ll soon be able to Unsend messages, so that a few less people will have seen your breasts and penises.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner filed details of their personal wealth and investment holdings with the Office of Government Ethics. They each would have done so sooner, but neither could believe the Office of Government Ethics still exists.

President Trump is now en route back to the U.S. following the Singapore summit with Kim Jong Un. He considered the trip a success, obtaining denuclearization concessions, along with that pin from the Singapore Hard Rock Cafe that he wanted.

Erin and Leah Finan, a married Indiana couple, were each sentenced to over five years in federal prison for scamming Amazon out of over $1 million in electronics, and for writing reviews of the merchandise they stole that nobody found helpful.

  • Sentencing guidelines called for ten years, but Amazon’s lawyers requested leniency since they were both Prime members.

Facebook followed up on Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional testimony with 454 pages of answers to over 2,000 questions that Zuckerberg couldn’t answer in person, then Zuckerberg snoozed Congress for 30 days.

A 9-year-old girl is being sent to a rehab facility for addiction to Fortnite. Her parents say she wet herself and sat in her own urine instead of pausing the game on Xbox. While at rehab, she’ll learn about the mobile version of the game that she can play on the toilet.

Domino’s Pizza announced on Monday that it’s paying to fill potholes in towns across the United States; and, in the process, making good use of its surplus pizza dough.

A 69-year-old man allegedly defecated on another person during a road rage incident in Pennsylvania. The perpetrator was charged with harassment; the victim was not charged, but was named the Worst Ever At Road Rage by police.

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Tinder announced that they’re officially testing ‘Tinder Places’ – the app’s new way of connecting people by sharing locations in common they visit. Tinder says the idea is to give users a mutual interest — or, a second mutual interest, besides getting laid as fast as possible.

Amazon is expanding Amazon Map Tracker to more customers. Map Tracker lets you follow package transit in realtime, from the moment it’s loaded by an underpaid warehouse packer, to a delivery contractor tossing it on your stoop from 15 feet away, to its theft by hoodie-clad punks.

Researchers used a submarine to find the wreck of the 300-year-old Spanish galleon ‘San Jose’ – with treasure worth $17 billion – off the coast of Colombia. Spain and Colombia are both claiming ownership of the treasure, and will settle it via an epic pirate sword fight.

A Federal Court judge ruled that President Trump cannot block accounts on Twitter. He has to just Mute them and deny it like everybody else.

Jared Kushner received a full U.S. security clearance, making him eligible to skip morning national security briefings.

President Trump cancelled the planned summit with North Korea, citing ‘anger and hostility’ from Kim Jong Un, and the weird taste of Big Macs he sampled from a McDonald’s near the meeting site in Singapore.

The National Football League announced a new policy requiring all on-field players, coaches and staff to stand during the pregame National Anthem. The league said it will fine offending players, and force them to listen to 20 minutes of Cris Collinsworth talking about them.

Two Ebola patients who fled a treatment center in the Congo each died within two days of escaping, but both said they were glad they got to see Avengers – Infinity War.

Ten different families combined to transport a dog found in Pennsylvania over 2,000 miles to his owners in Arizona who’d lost him a year earlier. The dog was happy to get home, but couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just let him book the direct flight he wanted.

Facebook is asking U.K. users to preemptively submit naked photos so Facebook can put them in a ‘Revenge Porn’ database to prevent them from appearing online. Facebook said the nudes will only be seen by a specially trained team of five auditors, who are currently swamped archiving naked pictures of Meghan Markle.

A judge in Kansas ordered the organizer of a cult to pay $8 million to a former member with no formal education, for forcing her to work a decade with no pay. A spokesperson for the cult said “Walmart is not a cult.”

 

 

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Online influence calculator Klout is closing down at the end of May, after they calculated the most effective positive online influencing tactic was never mentioning Klout.

Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz announced a new policy – anyone is welcome to use Starbucks bathrooms. whether they’re a paying customer or not. Schultz added “well, you can go in them, whether you can stand to use them is up to you.”

The open-bathroom policy at Starbucks was lauded by skeevy heroin addicts who are concerned that they’re not getting the privacy they need at public libraries.

The cast of The Love Boat reunited on The Today Show. They all spoke lovingly of the show, but collectively said their biggest regret was failing to get Charo together with Horshack from Welcome Back Cotter.

A bear in Rockaway Township, New Jersey broke into the SUV of a bakery owner, smashing the window and eating two dozen cupcakes that were left inside. Worse, the bear then left a two-star Yelp review of the bakery, saying the icing was too gritty.

A naked man was arrested at Daytona Beach airport for making a bomb threat. He was apprehended by TSA agents who told him multiple times that he only needed to remove his shoes and belt.

Liam is the most popular name given to newborn boys in the U.S. in 2017, according to the Social Security Administration – the least popular being Donald, Jr.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly told NPR that the Russia investigation of Special Counsel Robert Mueller causes President Trump to be embarrassed in meetings with other world leaders.  Not his hair, not his vocabulary, not his alleged cheating with porn stars, not shady business dealings…just Russia.

Town & Country magazine withdrew an invitation to Monica Lewinsky to attend an event on ‘social change’ when they found out President Bill Clinton planned to be there. Lewinsky criticized their poor etiquette, and Town & Country apologized, saying they should have known Lewinsky would want to be there when Clinton came.

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics released a list of the most “disproportionately popular jobs” in 40 major U.S. cities. In New York, fashion designers are highly concentrated; in Los Angeles, makeup artists.  Cities in Mississippi and Alabama weren’t listed since they don’t know what ‘disproportionately’ means.

White House adviser Jared Kushner and GOP Senator John Cornyn are touring a federal penitentiary outside of Dallas as part of a campaign for prison reform, and for Jared to interview roommates.

 

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Match, parent company of Tinder, is suing its dating app competitor Bumble, saying that Bumble stole Tinder’s ‘swiping’ and ‘women make the first move’ ideas.  Before the matter goes to court, Match, Tinder & Bumble are going out for coffee with their gay friend Grindr to see if they can work things out.

Sex And The City actress Cynthia Nixon is challenging incumbent Andrew Cuomo for the Democratic nomination for Governor of New York State. She’s narrowed her campaign slogans down to “Nixon – A Name You Can Trust” or “I Was The Dumpy One, So You Know I’m Good At Politics”.

An Arizona pedestrian was struck and killed by a self-driving Uber. Worse, the car was texting.

Delta Airlines is apologizing for misrouting a puppy on a cross-country flight. The puppy departed Richmond, VA bound for Boise, ID but was sent to Las Vegas. The puppy was finally reunited with its owner, but was hungover and broke.

Here’s Ivanka Trump preparing for a romantic evening with Jared Kushner as they contemplate having a fourth child:

Ivanka lab photo

Police in Glendale, Wisconsin are looking for a woman who assaulted a McDonald’s employee for putting sausage on her breakfast sandwich instead of bacon. Wisconsin lawmakers responded by approving a bill to train McDonald’s employees in using handguns.

Women’s motorcycle land speed record holder Valerie Thompson survived when her streamlined bike crashed at 343mph. Thompson lost control of the bike when she passed her friend wearing a cute top and tried to flag her down to see where she got it.

Star Millie Bobby Brown tweeted support to a young boy after his sister posted on Twitter that none of his friends showed up to his Stranger Things themed birthday party.  Brown asked for an invite to next year’s party, while police worked to identify the bodies of the invitees who had been eaten by a demogorgon.

Walt Disney World reopened its “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction, after removing a scene depicting shackled women being auctioned as brides. The scene has been replaced with a ship being hijacked and the crew murdered, along with its renaming to “Somali Pirates of the Caribbean”.

Scientists in South Carolina found that a small daily dose of Viagra reduced the development of colorectal cancer in mice, and made the mice too busy to care about their colorectal cancer, anyway.