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Donald Trump turns 77 today. He’ll celebrate at a small party where a woman will pop out of a cake to deliver grand jury indictments for election tampering in Georgia.

A man bit his friend’s ear during a fight outside of a Sullivan’s Steakhouse in King of Prussia, PA. The man explained the ear was cheaper than the $20 shrimp cocktail appetizer.

The town of Elko, Nevada is overrun by Mormon crickets, who emerged from their dormant phase and infested the town. They’re expected to move on to other cities as part of their mission to convert other insects to Mormonism.

Disney/Pixar debuts Carls Date, an animated short featuring Carl Fredericksen, widowed senior husband from the movie ‘Up‘, going on a date with a new lady friend. Carl is nervous because he hasn’t dated in 50 years, and because he can’t get it Up.

India & Pakistan are bracing for the arrival of Cyclone Biparjoy, which could match the devastation of last year’s monsoons. Meanwhile, the rest of the world wonders if Biparjoy is a male or female name.

The Southern Baptist Convention voted to bar churches with women pastors, saying “female pastors are a precursor to acceptance of homosexuality and sexual immorality.” They add that male pastors already have homosexuality and sexual immorality covered.

Johns Hopkins University supposedly redefined lesbian to make it a more inclusive term, defining it as “a non-man attracted to another non-man”. “Well, I guess we’re lesbians then” said talking hetero animals.

A TikTok star with celiac disease claims she suffered explosive diarrhea on a 15-hour Emirates Airlines flight from Dubai to Los Angeles after being given a pastry with gluten. The airline apologized, saying it mistakenly switched her special gluten-free meal with another passenger’s special explosive diarrhea meal.

A 28-year-old Louisiana woman was arrested for fraudulently posing as a 17-year-old and enrolling in high school. Teachers grew suspicious when they determined she couldn’t be a Louisiana high-schooler, since she was reading at a sixth-grade level.

In Oklahoma, workers rescued a cat and dog that became stuck when they went under a backyard deck. The pair explained that they didn’t think the world would understand their forbidden love for one another.

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Former head of Wikileaks Julian Assange, currently holed up in the Ecuadoran Embassy in London, said that his Internet connection had been cut off. Ecuador’s Ambassador is expected to unplug his modem, wait a minute, then plug it back in to see what happens.

Bridgestone introduced their new Tiger Woods golf ball. They’re the exact same balls that Tiger uses, minus the herpes.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un secretly visited China to meet with President Li Xinping, because the last three guys who tried to deliver his Chinese takeout to Pyongyang were shot at the border.

Former Disney Channel star Caroline Sunshine has joined the White House press team. She is expected to give White House pool reporters something else to look at while Sarah Huckabee Sanders is talking.

President Trump nominated White House physician Ronny Jackson to head the Veterans Administration, replacing David Shulkin. A press conference has been called to introduce Jackson, where he is expected to greet reporters, then resign.

Today show host Savannah Guthrie apologized for cursing live on-air. She didn’t realize her mic was live when she said “oh sh*t.” Later on Twitter she wrote “..So sorry guys, Thanks for being kind and understanding. You f*ckers are the best.”

A security gap in gay dating app Grindr is giving its users’ location to more prospective dates than they requested. It’s the first time a dating app plans to charge extra for a security flaw.

Frank S. Page, a Southern Baptist minister and CEO of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Executive Committee, resigned from his post after admitting to a “morally inappropriate” relationship. He declined to mention what the relationship entailed, but his pet goat was not made available for comment.

A new study concludes that single people who had bariatric weight loss surgery found increased rates of marriage and new relationships. However, for married people, extreme weight loss surgery coincided with increased rates of divorce and lost custody of the good snacks.

According to guidelines from the World Health Organization, the average U.S. child’s Easter Basket contains over a month’s worth of sugar, and a year’s worth of middle-aged adult depression from sugar crashes.

A restaurant in Vancouver fired a waiter for being rude to customers. The waiter, Guillaume Rey, filed a discrimination lawsuit, claiming that he’s not rude, he’s just French. A judge ordered Rey to appear in court, and Rey made fun of his order.