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White House staff announced that President Trump invited Russian President Vladimir Putin to visit Washington in the fall.  Putin is expected to meet privately with Trump, and to pick up several million absentee ballots to take home.

Deaths from liver disease are surging, according to a study from the University of Michigan. The number of people in 2016 who died from cirrhosis of the liver increased 65% compared to 1999. The study authors blame increased alcohol consumption, and 17 years of partying like it was 1999.

Kiley White, 26, of New Jersey lied about having brain cancer to trick a couple into letting her stay with them for over a month. The couple grew suspicious when White said her radiation treatment was resting her head on the microwave while she heated Hot Pockets.

Ryan Bounds, a Trump Administration nominee for an Appellate Court judgeship, was removed from consideration after racially-charged essays from his days at Stanford University were brought to light. The GOP said they can’t have racists on the bench in Appellate Court, they need to save them for the Supreme Court.

Roseanne Barr posted a video to her YouTube channel, once again trying to explain her racist tweet comparing Obama aide Valerie Jarrett to an ape, saying “I thought the bitch was white!” So if you’re ever in a position of having to apologize to a black woman, just tell them you thought they were a white bitch.

The Miami Dolphins stirred controversy when they announced that players who protest on-field during the national anthem could be suspended for up to four games. The Dolphins backed down when they learned that players were planning to time their protests and suspensions to avoid travel to Cleveland and Buffalo.

Microsoft holds its “Inspire” show for developer partners this week, where it shows off all the new hardware they’ll stop making in two years.

Google Maps unveiled a new ‘motorcycle mode’ in several Asian markets – such as Hong Kong, Thailand & Philippines – where two-wheeled transportation is popular. It includes directions down streets that are too narrow for cars, and factors in the time riders spend regrouping after they crash into small animals and pedestrians.

A North Hollywood house featured in exterior shots on The Brady Bunch is listed for sale at $1,885,000.  The sellers will give higher consideration to purchasers agreeing to maintain the home, and not to play ball in it.

A researcher for the Kinsey Institute surveyed over 4,000 Americans, and found the #1 sex fantasy in the U.S. is a threesome. Women wanted to explore sex with another woman, and men liked getting two breakfasts afterward.

 

 

 

 

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Kim Kardashian West is scheduled to meet with White House officials to discuss prison reform. She’ll show them how to fund reform projects with videos of prison sex.

Roseanne Barr blamed sleep aid Ambien for the racist tweets that got her tv show cancelled. Drug maker Sanofi defended their product, saying it works better when you mix it with alcohol.

Valerie Jarrett, target of the tweet in which Roseanne compared her to an ape, suggested that Roseanne’s firing be a “teaching moment”, to get more Republicans hooked on Ambien.

President Trump heard that ABC Networks President Bob Iger called Jarrett to apologize for Roseanne’s tweet, and himself tweeted that he never got an apology call from Iger for all of the horrible things said about him on ABC. In response, the heads of ABC, NBC, TBS, Comedy Central, HBO and others will apologize for every Trump joke, which will tie up the President through the 2020 election.

Singapore Airlines will restart the World’s Longest Nonstop Flight on October 11th, from Singapore to Newark. The flight will take nearly 19 hours, or 30 if you’re seated within a few rows of a baby.

Ivanka Trump left a conference call about health & fitness after a reporter asked a question about President Trump’s fitness regimen. A White House spokesperson said that Ivanka was scheduled to leave, and that her assistant capably replied “what fitness regimen?”

Madeleine Dye, 106, of South Yorkshire England, says her old age is credited to independence and avoiding stress that comes with relationships. Although Dye said avoiding relationships isn’t much of a problem for her now.

Researchers at the University of Toronto claim that most over-the-counter vitamins offer little to no benefit to cardiac health, a claim disputed by a fourth grader who skipped a week of Flintstones vitamins and had a heart attack on the monkey bars.

Rep. Diane Black, a Republican candidate for Governor of Tennessee, blamed grocery store pornography for the recent spate of school shootings — unaware that, thanks to the Internet, no one under age 50 has bought porn in a grocery store since 1997.

A research study commissioned by food company Farm Rich says that American teenagers spend 1,000 hours thinking about food during their teenage years. A similar study of Syrian teenagers said they spend every hour thinking about food and not dying.