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Voters in Kansas rejected a constitutional amendment to ban abortion – dashing the hopes of young women looking for any reason to get out of Kansas.

Comedian Dane Cook, 50, is engaged to his 23-year-old girlfriend, Kelsi Taylor. “Nice set” said fellow comedians, looking at Taylor.

The United States imposed sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s reported girlfriend, Alina Kabaeva. She’s not sure what this means, but is hoping she gets extradited from his bedroom.

Valdir Segato, the ‘Brazilian Hulk’ who injected his muscles with oil to make them bigger, died on his 55th birthday. While the oil may have contributed to his death, the mortician handling the body said it’ll save him a few bucks on embalming fluid.

Tiger Woods reportedly turned down between $700 – 800 million to join the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Woods reviewed the tour itinerary and saw too few stops had Perkins pancake restaurant locations where he could hook up with hostesses.

Investment platform Robinhood is cutting 23% of its workforce, since robbing from the rich crypto and stock traders isn’t doing so great.

Gregory Beaumarchais, a California police officer named Detective Of The Year in 2019, was charged for sending lewd messages to a online decoy posing as a 14-year-old girl. Beaumarchais will likely be fired and pursue work as – and share pics of – a private dick.

Warner Bros. Pictures scrapped plans to air a Batgirl movie on HBO Max after it already finished filming – the latest victim of BatCancel Culture.

Rapper Blueface and his girlfriend were captured on video having a fistfight on a Hollywood street. He’s now Black-&-Blueface.

The NFL fined Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross $1.5 million dollars and suspended him for six games for tampering with Tom Brady & Sean Payton while they were under contract to other teams. Ross said if he knew he’d only be getting six games, he’d have more aggressively tampered with the Dolphins cheerleaders.

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Bitcoin has become the preferred payment for sex workers. So now being a ‘two-Bit’ hooker means you earn around $85,000.

Asian actress Awkwafina left Twitter amidst heavy criticism of her using a ‘blaccent’ in her performances. Which isn’t so bad, considering black or white performers using Asian accents can expect to be cancelled altogether.

Guns N Roses frontman Axl Rose turned 60. “Take me down to Paradise City, where the grass is…damnit, slow down! I want to get there in one piece!!” said Rose.

Spirit Airlines & Frontier Airlines plan to merge. They’ll adopt the name of whichever carrier’s team of frequent flyers wins a midair brawl.

When the January 6th Committee subpeonaed the National Archives for Trump White House documents, some needed to be retrieved from Mar A Lago because Trump had taken them there. He explained that he kept some papers because Kim Kardashian sat on them by mistake when she visited the Oval Office.

New Orleans Saints running back Alvin Kamara was arrested and charged with battery of a patron at a Las Vegas nightclub following the Pro Bowl. If he beats up the same person again, he’ll face rechargeable battery.

New Jersey & Delaware set timelines to end mask mandates for schoolchildren. Philadelphia public schools also set their timeline: whenever a kid drops out.

Samsung announced their new Galaxy series of smartphones will use plastic made from recycled fishing nets. So when they burst into flames it’ll smell like a bonfire on the beach.

The Miami Dolphins hired San Francisco 49ers offensive coordinator Mike McDaniel to be their next head coach. McDaniel was selected over several other finalists, including Rooney Rule interviewee The Wise Black Janitor From ‘Rudy’.

Two dozen people were poisoned at a Russian hospital after being ordered to drink ‘battery fluid’ before x-rays of their digestive tract. Hospital workers then hooked jumper cables to their nipples to start their frozen cars.

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Police charged a Florida lawyer for a series of bank robberies. They caught him after he sent each bank a bill for $150 for an hour’s worth of work, even though he was only there a few minutes.

Kim Kardashian turned 40. Her breasts, buttocks and lip fillers all turned 22.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s deposition in Jeffrey Epstein’s sex-trafficking case was unsealed, along with her notes written in purple gel pen ink reading “Do you like Jeffrey? [Circle One] YES NO “

Google shut down streaming service Google Play Music. It’s now Google Won’t Play Music.

Whole Foods announced one-hour grocery delivery, or about ten minutes longer than it takes for your organic produce to go bad.

Miami Dolphins head coach Brian Flores said first round draft pick Tua Tagovailoa will take over as the team’s starting quarterback. “Tagovailoa – you’re it” said Flores.

A Colorado woman was charged with misdemeanors after her pet deer gored a neighbor with its antlers. The attack cost the woman dearly, as she was forced to surrender one buck and another $1000 of her dough.

Iranians are allegedly sending threatening emails to registered U.S. voters, pretending to be white supremacists the Proud Boys. Asked why they chose Proud Boys, Iranians said because they already have the beards and the guns.

A volunteer in Astra Zeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine trial died of COVID-19, but Astra Zeneca said he was in the control group and given a placebo. Astra Zeneca said after thinking about it, they’ll still pay him the $200 participant fee.

Penn State men’s basketball coach Pat Chambers resigned following a university investigation of inappropriate conduct. Penn State officials struggled to accept the resignation, because Chambers hadn’t molested anyone.

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A command for iPhones “Siri I’m getting pulled over” reportedly video records police and texts a contact to let them know what’s happening. Siri then gives tips on where to hide your drugs and directions for the upcoming high-speed chase.

Referees in Monday’s Steelers/Dolphins game took ten minutes to review a coaches challenge of an apparent first down. They said it took so long because as they reviewed video, they switched channels to see who was eliminated on Dancing With The Stars.

O.J. Simpson said the 2-5 Cleveland Browns should hire University of Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh to replace their current head coach Freddie Kitchens after they stab Kitchens to death.

Politicians criticized the Washington crowd at the World Series for booing and chanting “lock him up” at President Trump. A fan etiquette expert from Philadelphia said the proper behavior was to throw batteries or, if seated close enough to the President, vomit on him.

KMart in Australia pulled a children’s ‘Bride’ Halloween costume from its shelves after protests from parents. They say the costumes will either be destroyed, or shipped to Mississippi at the request of multiple wedding planners.

Actor/wrestler John Cena said that his dating philosophy isn’t ‘gender specific’ – that he’s willing to date both women and girls.

Caitlyn Jenner turned 70, but says she feels like a five-year-old woman.

Apple released iOS 13.2, including 398 new emoji, making it even easier for you to give up looking for the one you want.

Juul is eliminating 500 jobs. Impacted employees waiting to hear about their severance packages are being told “vape ’em if you got ’em.”

Director Olivia Wilde criticized Delta Airlines for showing an in-flight version of her film ‘Booksmart’ that edited out girls kissing and the word lesbian. A Delta spokesperson said the move was to distract people from the rest of the awful Delta inflight experience.

 

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Claudia Ochoa Felix, a curvy brunette resembling Kim Kardashian and rumored head of the armed enforcement wing of the Sinaloa drug cartel, died over the weekend. Telemundo scrapped a reality show they were planning with Ochoa Felix, “Keeping Up With The Heroin Smugglers”.

An American Airlines mechanic accused of sabotaging a jet to collect overtime repairing it may have ties to terrorist groups, said investigators who noticed he got his degree from ITT Tech in Afghanistan.

  • American Airlines said they’re looking into it, and the only terrorists they know of working for the airline are bitter old flight attendants terrorizing passengers.

United Airlines said it’s changing the rules for pilot drinking. Pilots will need to stop drinking 12 hours before takeoff; the old rule said they need to stop 12 minutes before they land.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau admitted to wearing brownface in 2001 as part of an Aladdin costume. Trudeau said he was sorry, and that he remembered the evening for receiving the Worst Aladdin Costume award.

Instagram is restricting posts touting weight loss products and cosmetic procedures targeted at users under age 18, in what’s being called a major breakthrough in visibility for everyone over 50 on Instagram.

India banned vaping, citing government studies that it’s even more unhealthy than breathing outdoors in New Delhi.

The 2-0 Buffalo Bills have hired 600 police and security officials to curb rowdy fan behavior at their home opener. It’s the biggest police presence in Buffalo since their Super Bowl appearances, but those cops were always sent home at halftime.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Raekwon McMillAan said that, following a legal hit on Tom Brady in last Sunday’s game, he was told by a referee to “stay off Tom”. The ref was identified only as “Gisele”.

Amazon will now let you donate to presidential candidates using Alexa. “Okay stupid” said Alexa in response to an Amy Klobuchar donation.

A Rhode Island woman used a numbing agent for a toothache, then discovered it had turned her blood blue. Doctors are mystified, but the blue blood got her in to three exclusive country clubs.

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Sony released a 40th Anniversary Walkman with a hard drive instead of cassette tape playback. A Sony spokesman called it “an old Sony cell phone with a Walkman sticker”.

JP Morgan created the Volfefe Index – designed to measure the impact of President Trump’s tweets on financial markets. After two days, the Index unfollowed him.

President Trump attacked supermodel Chrissy Teigen on Twitter. Which is unusual, since Trump usually attacks women at his hotels.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick became the first NFL player to start for eight different teams, and to suffer a concussion with seven.

The CEO of CVS Health published an essay marking the fifth anniversary of CVS’ decision to stop selling tobacco products. Along with their decision to stop selling porno magazines, cashiers are delighted with all of the room behind the counter.

Prosecutors in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal are recommending one month in prison for actress Felicity Huffman – the most brutal month she’s spent since filming ‘Georgia Rule’ with Lindsay Lohan & Jane Fonda.

HGTV’s ‘A Very Brady Renovation’ premieres Monday – showcasing renovation to the classic Brady Bunch house. Some new locations were added, such as a media room for Cindy to fire off homophobic posts, and a second attic bedroom for Marcia to get high.

Matt Lauer finalized his divorce. Next up Today – helping a rich 50-something find a hot young girlfriend!

A British Columbia man survived a black bear attack, claiming he yelled at the bear “you don’t have to do this”. A nearby family’s dog chased away the bear, who later turned himself in, telling park rangers “that guy was right, I didn’t have to do it.”

Southwest Airlines launched its Fall airfare sale, the flights priced as low as $29, or $229 for the same one but without terrible jokes and banter from flight attendants.

 

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A 41-year-old California woman was arrested and charged for having sex with her daughter’s underage teen boyfriends. She avoided jail time, telling the presiding judge she thought this was how you become a high school math teacher.

A 22-year-old man died outside of a Chuck E Cheese in Alabama while changing his daughter’s diaper, when a loaded gun inside of the diaper bag fired, hitting him in the chest. A GoFundMe set up for the daughter has collected 10,000 Chuck E. Cheese tickets.

Beyonce released a new live album to coincide with ‘Homecoming’, the Netflix documentary of her 2018 Coachella performance. Critics are either raving about it, or avoiding being verbally beaten into submission by her fans on social media.

The NFL releases its 2019 schedule Wednesday night. On Thursday morning, Orchids of Asia Day Spa releases updated hours once they see which weekend the Patriots visit Florida to play the Dolphins.

The FDA has halted all use of transvaginal mesh in surgical procedures for women, and is also expected to ban transvaginal drywall.

An artist for the video game ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ claims detailed 3D drawings created for the game could help with the post-fire reconstruction of Notre Dame Cathedral. The Israeli Space Agency is checking to see if its destroyed Beresheet lunar lander could be rebuilt using artwork from Super Mario Galaxy.

Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg was heckled at a rally in Iowa. Buttigieg, who is gay, heard shouts of “remember Sodom and Gomorrah!” — referencing both the Bible, and Joe Sodom & Floyd Gomorrah who are seeking the Libertarian ticket nomination in 2020.

ADHD diagnoses have risen 30% over the past eight years. Noting the climb in obesity rates over the same span, doctors say the attention deficits are concerning, but the hyperactivity?…not so much.

President Trump announced that he’ll present Tiger Woods with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, commemorating Woods’ presidential traits of playing lots of golf and banging porn stars behind his wife’s back.

Time Magazine shocked observers by naming both Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford – who accused Kavanaugh of sexual assault – to the Time 100 list of ‘most influential people’. Following them on the list was the woman who coined the phrase “I just can’t even right now.”

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Bank of America announced it’s raising the minimum wage for employees to $20/hour, except for the dwarfs that live & work inside of its ATMs.

Disney planned to preview its new streaming service to investors, promising to deliver fan favorites like Star Wars & Marvel movies, Pixar animated features, and a lot of really old racist shit.

Bed, Bath & Beyond is closing 40 stores – or beyond.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a new treatment for postpartum depression, called ‘two weeks at grandma’s’.

The White House reportedly wanted detained illegal immigrants released to U.S. “sanctuary cities” to retaliate against Trump’s political foes. The plan backfired when immigrants agreed to return to their war-torn countries instead of risking living in sanctuary city Camden, New Jersey.

Julian Assange was arrested after living in asylum in Ecuador’s London Embassy for seven years. Ecuador said it ended his stay because of improper behavior – accusing him of spying, leaving dishes in the sink and not paying his share of the cable bill.

Upstart professional football league XFL may allow two forward passes on the same play, as long as the ball remains behind the line of scrimmage, and provided they’re not bankrupt after starting play in February, 2020 .

CNN reports that actress Lori Loughlin still isn’t ready to enter a plea deal as a result of mail fraud and money laundering charges from Operation Varsity Blues – saying she thinks bribing colleges is something “any mother would do”, provided they have millions of dollars and a daughter who’s an idiot.

Between 1995 and 2015, the number of kids under age 6 treated for swallowing toys, coins & batteries nearly doubled from 22,000 to 43,000. Doctors are concerned about the toys & batteries, but parents enjoy the modest payout from coins found potty training.

Reality star Kristin Cavallari said her on her E! show ‘Very Cavallari’ that her husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – unclogged her milk ducts by sucking her breasts really hard. It’s the hardest Cutler has sucked since that season with the Miami Dolphins.

 

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President Trump handled the coin toss at the annual Army/Navy football game. “Heads is Stalin, tails is the hammer & sickle” he said.

Nick Ayers, chief of staff for Vice President Mike Pence, declined to take the chief of staff role for Trump. Ayers was asked why he doesn’t want to work for the President; he replied that he will be working for the President once the Mueller probe wraps up.

A study of rats that had their uterus removed showed they had increased difficulty with cognitive function. The barren females had trouble completing difficult tasks since they were constantly being approached for casual sex by male rats that don’t want a family.

A man on an Orlando to Philadelphia flight gave up his first class seat so a woman with a sick baby could move up from coach. The woman couldn’t properly thank the man, so she took to Facebook to try and find him. The person with the first class seat adjacent to the sick baby also wants to find the man, to punch him.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones dismissed reports that he’s attempted to lure Jason Witten out of the ESPN Monday Night Football booth and back on to his former team. Fans who watch Monday night games and hear Witten encouraged Jones to keep trying.

The Miami Dolphins completed an improbable victory over the New England Patriots with a game-ending triple-lateral play resulting in a touchdown.  The Patriots thought Roughing the Passer should have been called, since Tom Brady’s feelings were hurt.

Nicki Minaj is reportedly dating Kenneth ‘Zoo’ Perry, a 40-year-old unmarried father of five who’s a registered sex offender in the state of New York. Minaj wanted to prove to other single women that not all of the good ones are taken.

Actor Kirk Douglas celebrated his 102nd birthday this week, beginning shooting on a new romantic comedy where a hot 29-year-old woman finds him irresistible for some reason.

Dentists are letting some patients wear virtual reality headsets while having work done in order to help them remain calm. The patients enjoy watching scenes that relax them, and the dentists enjoy doing root canals and fillings while nude.

Verizon announced 10,400 employees are voluntarily taking buyouts and leaving the company. “Can you hear me now? Okay, I quit” said 10,400 people.

 

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White House staff announced that President Trump invited Russian President Vladimir Putin to visit Washington in the fall.  Putin is expected to meet privately with Trump, and to pick up several million absentee ballots to take home.

Deaths from liver disease are surging, according to a study from the University of Michigan. The number of people in 2016 who died from cirrhosis of the liver increased 65% compared to 1999. The study authors blame increased alcohol consumption, and 17 years of partying like it was 1999.

Kiley White, 26, of New Jersey lied about having brain cancer to trick a couple into letting her stay with them for over a month. The couple grew suspicious when White said her radiation treatment was resting her head on the microwave while she heated Hot Pockets.

Ryan Bounds, a Trump Administration nominee for an Appellate Court judgeship, was removed from consideration after racially-charged essays from his days at Stanford University were brought to light. The GOP said they can’t have racists on the bench in Appellate Court, they need to save them for the Supreme Court.

Roseanne Barr posted a video to her YouTube channel, once again trying to explain her racist tweet comparing Obama aide Valerie Jarrett to an ape, saying “I thought the bitch was white!” So if you’re ever in a position of having to apologize to a black woman, just tell them you thought they were a white bitch.

The Miami Dolphins stirred controversy when they announced that players who protest on-field during the national anthem could be suspended for up to four games. The Dolphins backed down when they learned that players were planning to time their protests and suspensions to avoid travel to Cleveland and Buffalo.

Microsoft holds its “Inspire” show for developer partners this week, where it shows off all the new hardware they’ll stop making in two years.

Google Maps unveiled a new ‘motorcycle mode’ in several Asian markets – such as Hong Kong, Thailand & Philippines – where two-wheeled transportation is popular. It includes directions down streets that are too narrow for cars, and factors in the time riders spend regrouping after they crash into small animals and pedestrians.

A North Hollywood house featured in exterior shots on The Brady Bunch is listed for sale at $1,885,000.  The sellers will give higher consideration to purchasers agreeing to maintain the home, and not to play ball in it.

A researcher for the Kinsey Institute surveyed over 4,000 Americans, and found the #1 sex fantasy in the U.S. is a threesome. Women wanted to explore sex with another woman, and men liked getting two breakfasts afterward.