Monday Jokes: July 2nd

Roseanne Barr said she’s received a “really good offer” to go back on TV and that she “might do it.” ABC Networks denies that they’re recruiting several dozen chubby-chasing senior men for ‘The Racist Bachelorette.’

According to a study by the Detroit Free Press, the popularity of SUVs is responsible for a 46% increase in pedestrian deaths since 2009, to about 6,000 American people per year, and about 200,000 deer.

Former Trump lawyer and ‘fixer’ Michael Cohen said in an interview with ABC News that his loyalties are to “family ..first”. As proof, Cohen showed the non-disclosure agreements he’d worked up with the porn star nannies he’d hired for his kids.

A McGill University study states that unemployment can increase your risk of unexpected death by 63 percent. The study followed a group of people who used the free time from their layoffs to become trapeze artists.

A study published Monday in JAMA Internal Medicine reports that drinking coffee is associated with a lower risk of early death, no matter how much you drink and whether or not it’s caffeinated. Critics of the study say the doctors who authored it have never gotten coffee at a Sunoco station.

The Trump Administration is being criticized for the Fair and Reciprocal Trade Act [FART] governing economic activities with other countries. The White House said the bill isn’t final, that FART is just a draft, and that the President denies this FART.

An anonymous benefactor bought $1 million worth of Toys R Us remaining inventory to give to underprivileged children. Now they’re still figuring out how to get all of it to the cages on the U.S./Mexico border.

President Trump criticized Democrats & Progressives for their calls to eliminate ICE, worried at how he’ll keep his Diet Coke cold.

LeBron James signed a four-year, $154 million deal to join the NBA’s Los Angeles Lakers. In addition to the money, James will also likely get at least a month of extra vacation.

A St. Louis Cardinals groundskeeper was struck in the head by an errant ceremonial pregame first pitch.  Umpires immediately ejected the dork who threw it, his family ran onto the field, and a brawl ensued.

 

 

 

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