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Brett Favre is charging $5000 for a 10-minute Zoom call via celebrity messaging service Cameo – or, $4000 if you’re a massage therapist and let him show you his penis.

The Trump Administration is suing to stop sales of a tell-all book from former National Security Adviser John Bolton, saying the book contains national security secrets. Although everyone could probably guess the Oval Office bathroom code is 1234.

A court found Shake Shack is not liable for three New York cops getting sick after eating there, saying most people are sick when they find out a cheeseburger and shake costs $17.

Amidst national protests and demands for police reform, many cops across the U.S. are quitting. Dunkin’ shares dropped 30% in early trading.

Google released special Pride Month ringtones for its Pixel mobile phones. So far, the most downloaded is “HEYYYY-ayyyyy’.

Quaker Foods announced a name change for Aunt Jemima products. The syrup will be offered in larger sizes to accommodate a label reading: ‘Your Black Mom’s Sister’s High-Fructose Imitation Maple Goo’.

American moms are saying kid-friendly all-white band The Wiggles need to diversify and add one or more minority members. The band has so far refused, saying racial integration is a Hot Potato.

‘That 70s Show’ actor Danny Masterson was arrested and charged with rape. “Way to go, dumbass” said Red Forman.

Lego launched interactive Super Mario playsets. The combined cost of all of them is nearly $600, leading Mario to complain about having to collect that many coins.

After a two-year investigation, a 34-year old Idaho woman was arrested and charged with having sex with underage boys. A spokesman for the boys called it “two pretty great years.”

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The NHL’s Calgary Flames suspended head coach Bill Peters as the league investigates a former player’s claim that he used a vulgar racial slur. No one is buying Peters’ claim that he was saying “Canuck’er”.

The family of a 3-year-old Las Vegas girl was charged $2,659 to remove a plastic Polly Pocket doll shoe she shoved up her nose. They removed one themselves, but went to the emergency room because they couldn’t wait for the other shoe to drop.

The “Anonymous” Trump administration official and author of ‘A Warning’ said on Reddit that they’ll reveal their identity before the 2020 election. But, for now, they want to be known as “Anonymous” or their other alias, “Mac Pants”.

Actor Godfrey Gao died of a heart attack while filming an episode of Chinese television reality competition ‘Chase Me’.  Spoiler: they caught him.

According to Cancer Research, U.K., a simple finger test can identify the potential presence of lung cancer. You look at your fingers and see if there’s a lit cigarette in them.

A Chinese man suffered seizures while self-cooking pork and mutton at a ‘hot pot’ restaurant. It was later determined he had tapeworms on his brain from repeatedly eating undercooked meat. The man left a negative Yelp! review for the restaurant, but the worms left a favorable one for his brain.

Melania Trump was booed during an appearance to speak about opioids at a student assembly in Baltimore as part of her Be Best campaign. She later issued a statement to the press, stating “Barron you’re grounded.”

Disney is being blasted for the lack of originality in their new ‘Baby Yoda’ merchandise tied to Disney+ series ‘The Mandalorian’. Disney said they’ll get better, starting with the release of a video showing how Baby Yoda changes his own diaper with The Force.

Katie Holmes is being praised for sharing apparently unedited Instagram photos of her bare stomach, including some visible stretch marks. She has the stretch marks from her pregnancy, and from twisting her torso to avoid kissing Tom Cruise.

Food blog Eater posted seven tips for people planning to break up with someone in a restaurant. They include sitting at the bar, paying with cash, and abandoning the idea to ghost them like everyone else does these days.

 

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A Frontier Airlines passenger shared a feel-good post about a flight attendant who helped calm a screaming baby en route to Denver. The baby stopped crying long enough to tell the flight attendant how much Frontier Airlines sucks.

Chick-fil-A will now offer macaroni & cheese in all restaurants. Brace yourself for every lowbrow food critic in your social media feed telling you what they think of it.

Cuba Gooding Jr will face trial on charges he groped a woman without consent. Thousands of “show me the money” jokes were shut down once he was released without bail.

The Trump Administration is proposing changes to the Endangered Species Act, supposedly to make it easier to enforce. Don Jr. and Eric continue to ask their father if the new law is ready yet so they can hunt pandas at the Washington National Zoo.

Following Jeffrey Epstein’s reported suicide by hanging, his autopsy was completed by the New York City medical examiner’s office. The coroner needs more information before certifying cause of death – information like ‘where did the bullet holes come from?’

An entomologist for the National Pest Management Association said travelers should store suitcases in hotel bathrooms to avoid bedbugs. The insect expert said bedbugs are rarely found in hotel bathrooms, because they’re afraid of the crab lice.

Cybersecurity experts warn of new malware; a program that waits for a user to go to a porn site, then starts recording the screen – including passwords – after they leave. Currently, the malware only targets French users, so to get those passwords, the hackers have to watch a lot of hairy-armpit porn.

Minneapolis, Minnesota banned drive-thru windows on any new businesses. Hopefully that cheeseburger is worth getting out of your car and risking frostbite.

Samsung is reportedly working on a fast-charging graphene cellphone battery to include with 2020 Galaxy handsets. The graphene batteries charge in a fraction of the time of Samsung’s lithium-ion batteries, but burn just as long.

Venice, Italy banned large cruise ships from entering the city’s historic center. They cited a large ship colliding with a dock, as well as damage caused by Mysterio’s battle with Spider-Man while Peter Parker vacationed there.

A tornado touched down in Amsterdam — blowing the whole city, not just visitors to the red light district.

 

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Roseanne Barr said she’s received a “really good offer” to go back on TV and that she “might do it.” ABC Networks denies that they’re recruiting several dozen chubby-chasing senior men for ‘The Racist Bachelorette.’

According to a study by the Detroit Free Press, the popularity of SUVs is responsible for a 46% increase in pedestrian deaths since 2009, to about 6,000 American people per year, and about 200,000 deer.

Former Trump lawyer and ‘fixer’ Michael Cohen said in an interview with ABC News that his loyalties are to “family ..first”. As proof, Cohen showed the non-disclosure agreements he’d worked up with the porn star nannies he’d hired for his kids.

A McGill University study states that unemployment can increase your risk of unexpected death by 63 percent. The study followed a group of people who used the free time from their layoffs to become trapeze artists.

A study published Monday in JAMA Internal Medicine reports that drinking coffee is associated with a lower risk of early death, no matter how much you drink and whether or not it’s caffeinated. Critics of the study say the doctors who authored it have never gotten coffee at a Sunoco station.

The Trump Administration is being criticized for the Fair and Reciprocal Trade Act [FART] governing economic activities with other countries. The White House said the bill isn’t final, that FART is just a draft, and that the President denies this FART.

An anonymous benefactor bought $1 million worth of Toys R Us remaining inventory to give to underprivileged children. Now they’re still figuring out how to get all of it to the cages on the U.S./Mexico border.

President Trump criticized Democrats & Progressives for their calls to eliminate ICE, worried at how he’ll keep his Diet Coke cold.

LeBron James signed a four-year, $154 million deal to join the NBA’s Los Angeles Lakers. In addition to the money, James will also likely get at least a month of extra vacation.

A St. Louis Cardinals groundskeeper was struck in the head by an errant ceremonial pregame first pitch.  Umpires immediately ejected the dork who threw it, his family ran onto the field, and a brawl ensued.

 

 

 

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Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.