Thursday Jokes: July 19

A Secret Service agent traveling with President Trump’s security detail died in Scotland after suffering a stroke.  Asked how they feel about their colleague’s death, fellow agents guarding Trump said “jealous”.

U.S. Customs & Border Patrol agents found nearly ten pounds of heroin in four egg-shaped packages at New York’s JFK Airport — along with two seriously strung out chickens.

A new study claims that cancer risk is reduced by eating dinner earlier, delighting 80-year-olds who want dinner at 2pm now.

NFL quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was spotted dining with porn star Kiara Mia in Beverly Hills. Garoppolo said they’re just friends, although they feel more like teammates, since her breasts are 49’ers.

The Transportation Security Administration is implementing more security measures, asking that travelers remove bags of snacks from their carry-ons along with liquids and laptops. This follows reports that a passenger ate an entire bag of Cheddar Cheese Combos and blew up a jetliner’s bathroom.

Ohio police released video of porn star Stormy Daniels’ arrest at a Columbus strip club for ‘motorboating’ several officers during her act.  It’s the first ever police body cam footage available via pay-per-view.

Six nurses that work together in a Winston-Salem oncology clinic at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center are all pregnant.  Said one of the clinic’s male doctors: “hey, we had a great Memorial Day weekend.”

Uber believes its rentals of electric bikes in San Francisco are so popular that they’re cannibalizing car rides. Uber is evaluating whether to offer tandem electric bikes for customers who miss having someone sexually harassing them during their trips.

Alleged Russian spy Maria Butina remains behind bars on several charges, including offering sex in exchange for a ‘position of influence’ with a special interest group. The position and group are not named, although it is believed to be a manager job at the McDonalds where President Trump gets lunch every day.

A woman from Texas was arrested for collecting 40 queen conch shells in Key West, Florida.  The queen conch is a protected species. She was sentenced to 15 days in jail, but got to keep one of the shells so she could hear the ocean from her cell.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s