Monday Jokes: July 23

A woman gave birth to a baby daughter in the rest room of a San Antonio, Texas Chick-fil-A.  The baby gets free food for life and a guaranteed job at age 14.  The restaurant has a job opening now, however, since an employee just quit rather than clean the bathroom.

An investigation by the Chinese government found that a drug company, Changchun Changseng, had provided faulty vaccines given to thousands of children.  The government launched the investigation after finding syringes with the vaccine containing fortunes and lottery numbers.

The 150th Anniversary of the founding of the Golden Retriever breed was marked in the Scottish Highlands with a gathering of hundreds of the popular dogs.  The dogs looked to be having a great time, although one dog leaving the festivities said he couldn’t wait to sniff something other than another dog’s butt.

A Memphis man is under arrest for stealing a woman’s car while they were on a date, then using the car to take a different woman to a date at a drive-in movie. The car was returned to its owner, who is sure her back seat didn’t look like that before.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team reportedly wants to talk to the former ‘Manhattan Madam’ Kristin Davis. Davis was convicted of running a prostitution ring in the wake of investigations into former New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. No word on why Mueller wants to talk to her, other than his team has been working some long, lonely hours.

New research states that infants’ waking hours may resemble a dream-like state or a psychedelic trip. Giulio Tononi of the University of Wisconsin published the study; he said that in his dreams and psychedelic trips he sees a lot of bare women’s breasts.

Genevieve Pascolla, a passenger on a United flight from London to Chicago, said that after she was reseated on her flight because the man in the adjacent seat was masturbating, the flight attendants made jokes. United refused her request for a refund but said they’ll no longer publish a swimsuit issue of their in-flight magazine.

Khloe Kardashian apologized for using the ‘r-word’ toward her sister Kourtney while they shared live video on Instagram. “Are you f***ing retarded?” Khloe asked Kourtney. While Khloe did say she was sorry, dozens of Kardashians’ followers on Instagram are waiting for Kourtney to answer the question.

A human cannonball at a circus in Chile was seriously injured when he shot far over his safety net and landed on the ground, breaking his chin and knees. The circus is halting the act until they can find a much, much heavier cannonball.

A New York Times article reports that merchants in Melania Trump’s hometown of Sevnica, Slovenia sell souvenir Melania salami — although they admit she likes the smaller American kind better.

 

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