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Ford Motor Company has decided to keep AM radios in their new vehicles, following protests from baby boomers who claim they’re ready to trade in their ’98 Escort any year now.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ announcement of his presidential candidacy on Twitter alongside Elon Musk was delayed by technical issues. Eventually, the pair were able to get back online where Musk announced that Desantis was fired.

Kourtney Kardashian Barker and Travis Barker announced that they’re still trying to have a baby, but they’ve stopped in vitro fertilization treatments. Medical professionals say in vitro could have worked if Kourtney hadn’t insisted on putting makeup on the eggs for The Kardashians tv show.

The New England Patriots were caught violating offseason practice rules and had to forfeit several days of OTAs – organized/optional team activities. The players were sent home, and three Chinese massage therapists were sent back to Orchids Of Asia spa.

Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour comes to Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey this weekend. Swift plans to commemorate the Memorial Day weekend with a moment of silence to remember those who totally, like, died because they couldn’t get tickets.

George Washington University changed the name of their athletic teams from Colonials after student complaints that colonialism represented systemic oppression. Their new name is Revolutionaries – despite complaints from GWU athletes that it’s nearly impossible to spell.

Former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters took the stage at a concert in Berlin dressed as a Nazi officer, after a video message appeared condemning antisemitism. Waters further confused and angered the crowd by performing a medley of Kanye West’s greatest hits.

Disney announced 2,500 layoffs, with impacted employees notified via musical greeting cards playing It’s A Smaller World.

Conservative Megyn Kelly blasted Target for selling ‘tuck-friendly’ swimsuits for women with “extra material around the crotch, which no woman needs because we don’t have penises down South in Rio.” Some straight women defended the design, saying they now had a place to hold their phone.

A Princess Leia dress worn by Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher is expected to sell for over $1 million at auction – with the dress valued at $750,000, and the cocaine in the pockets making up the difference.

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A dead humpback whale washed ashore at a Wildwood, New Jersey beach. Lifeguards identified it after realizing it wasn’t wearing a swimsuit.

Steve Bannon told the January 6th Committee that he would testify, but that he wouldn’t shave or wash his hair.

The International Shark Attack File recorded 73 ‘unprovoked bites’ worldwide in 2021. Also recorded were 39 so-called ‘provoked bites’ – mainly to boyfriends jealous the shark was getting a little too close with their girl.

Thousands of Sri Lankans – angry at worsening economic conditions and a critical shortage of fuel – stormed the capital and forced the Prime Minister to resign. Everybody walked there.

The Federal Transportation Department told U.S. airlines to start making it easier for families to sit together at no extra charge. Spirit Airlines heeded the call and promptly introduced Family Cargo Hold Seating.

Howie Mandel posted a video of a prolapsed rectum to his Tik Tok account on Saturday night. He later removed it, but not before fellow America’s Got Talent judge Heidi Klum gave it her Golden Buzzer.

The nation’s only retailer for unclaimed airline luggage – Greenpoint Terminal Market – will host a silent auction for a suitcase containing 10 luxury items including Apple Airpods, designer sunglasses & clothing. If it’s a success, the next auction will feature a suitcase full of cocaine.

The Food & Drug Administration received its first application for a non-prescription, over-the-counter birth control pill, that men can buy as a birthday gift for their girlfriends.

After two months missing, it was confirmed that a South Carolina man died after falling into a shredder at a plastic bottle recycling plant where he worked. Forensics experts made the discovery after taking a DNA sample from a fleece hoodie.

Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 38th birthday at an island getaway with her extended family, calling it Kamp Koko. However, she’s having her nieces & nephews Kamp Koko Kids t-shirts reprinted with a different name.

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Danielle Brigoli, now known as rapper Bhad Bhabie, bought a Boca Raton, Florida home in a gated community for $6.1 million. “Cash us putting our homes on the market” said her new Florida neighbors.

Travis Barker reportedly went to the grave of Kourtney Kardashian’s deceased father to ask his permission to marry her. He couldn’t hear the answer, so he rented a backhoe to move him closer.

NBC News is facing backlash after describing current Jeopardy! super-champion Mattea Roach as a ’23-year-old lesbian tutor’. She’s won over $300,000 and tutored multiple women on how to be better lesbians.

A judge in Brazil ruled Apple must pay a man $1,000 for failing to include a power adapter with his new iPhone. The man bought one online at the Apple website, paying $29 for the adapter, and $971 for shipping.

A Waffle House employee created a viral Tik Tok video saying she makes a surprisingly large amount of money working there – enough to pay cash to visit doctors after the free meals, with money left over for ju jitsu lessons so she can break up Waffle House brawls.

NASA’s Mars helicopter spotted what the agency called ‘otherworldly wreckage’ on the red planet. Which, on closer inspection, proved to be unreleased Nicolas Cage and Bruce Willis movies.

Twitter admitted overstating their audience figures for the past three years. Twitter users admit overstating their audience for as long as they’ve been using it.

McDonald’s is now stuck with millions of dollars worth of Russian food it can’t use, after a test showed U.S. customers aren’t crazy about Wolf Meat Quarter Pounders.

Apple opened its online Self Service Repair store, offering repair kits, individual parts, and – for a fee – an online chat with the Chinese junior high kid who originally put the device together.

Ozzy Osbourne has COVID – but denies catching it by eating the head of an infected bat.

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Florida’s controversial ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill is expected to be signed into law by Governor Ron DeSantis. Mississippi is considering related legislation, ‘Don’t Put ‘Homosexual’ On Spelling Tests’.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview “I have the best advice for women…get your f**king ass up and work”. Kardashian was dragged on social media, but critics admit no one has gotten their ass up as much as Kim Kardashian.

Photographers captured Kourtney Kardashian kissing & grinding on top of fiance Travis Barker on a California beach. Kourtney said she was just taking her sister’s advice by getting her ass up and getting to work.

NFL Hall Of Famer Deion Sanders had two of his toes amputated. He was considering having a third toe removed so the ones remaining would be a Prime number.

Exports of Nintendo gaming consoles to Russia have been stopped, citing the thousands of deaths suffered by Mario in his war with Bowser.

Tiger Woods’ daughter Sam introduced him at his World Golf Hall Of Fame induction, saying she “inducted (him) to the Dad Hall Of Fame a long time ago.” His induction to the Husband Hall Of Fame, however, remains in doubt.

Elon Musk and partner Grimes welcomed a second child, a girl born via surrogate, Exa Dark Siderael. She and older brother X Æ A-XII, are now officially The Hardest Kids To Buy Personalized Souvenirs For At Disney World.

Courteney Cox claims she doesn’t remember the 10 years she spent on sitcom ‘Friends‘. Ironically, everyone who’s seen it is trying to forget the years she spent on ‘Cougar Town‘.

Congress’ new budget includes NASA funding for a new commercial space station in low-earth orbit. Or, as regular people will come to know it, the world’s highest Starbucks.

‘Black Panther’ director Ryan Coogler was mistakenly arrested as a suspected robber for passing a note requesting a $12,000 cash withdrawal at an Atlanta bank. Coogler was released, but vowed to close his T’Checking account at Wakanda Savings & Loan.

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Vice President Kamala Harris will be the first woman with Presidential power when President Joe Biden is under anesthesia during a colonoscopy. Harris issued an Executive Order raising the White House thermostat to 72 degrees.

Singers Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes announced they’ve broken up, largely because they didn’t like the sound of ‘Shawmila’.

The FDA authorized Pfizer and Moderna COVID vaccine boosters for all adults, creating thousands of jobs to add a third line of fraudulent shots to counterfeit vaccine cards.

A gang of six people were captured in Brazil, accused of stealing horses for slaughter and selling tons of horse meat as beef. The meat has been seized, delaying the grand opening of a dozen Fogo de Chao Brazilian Steakhouses.

Pete Davidson is reportedly ‘officially dating’ Kim Kardashian – or, as he likes to call her, ‘Triple Grande’.

Macy’s stock rose 20% on better-than-expected earnings, and a positive Christmas outlook fueled by husbands & boyfriends purchasing gifts that their partners pretend to like and can’t bring themselves to return.

Spotify added lyrics to all the songs streaming on its service – leading to hundreds of white people getting pummeled for saying racial slurs aloud while listening to their favorite rappers on the subway.

Julia Stiles is pregnant with her second child, and will attempt to break her own record for saying the phrase “get me the epidural” in the most masculine-sounding voice ever.

Kourtney Kardashian clapped back at a social media critic who criticized her for supposedly not spending enough time with her kids. She captioned a photo of her horseback riding in Mexico with Mason, 11; Penelope, 9; and Whatshisface, 6.

Travis Scott is facing $2 billion in lawsuits related to fatalities and injures suffered at his Astroworld festival. The U.S. Mint has ordered maximum production of $100 bills that Scott intends to make rain via settlements.

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Hooters servers are complaining about the chain’s new uniforms, saying the black shorts are ‘more like underwear’ and result in near-constant wedgies. A Hooters spokesperson said of the complaints “that’s sort of the point”.

Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker proposed to Kourtney Kardashian. Kardashian said yes after consulting with producers, and will get around to telling her three kids.

Actress Jessica Chastain agreed to nude scenes in HBO’s ‘Scenes From A Marriage’, provided her co-star Oscar Isaac “show the same” as her. Critics and viewers both expressed their disappointment with Oscar Isaac’s boobs.

A University of Wisconsin study showed mice placed on intermittent fasting diets lived longer – compared to mice given a diet of peanut butter, who died prematurely from a spring loaded steel bar breaking their necks.

The January 6th Commission is expected to vote on criminal contempt charges for Steve Bannon, leading to his arrest. Right now police are trying to find handcuffs with a chain long enough to reach around his belly.

Evander Kane of the NHL San Jose Sharks has been suspended for 21 games for submitting a fake COVID-19 vaccination card. Officials determined the card’s Johnson & Johnson vaccine certification was actually the sticker off a baby shampoo bottle.

Kidnappers in Haiti are demanding $17 million to free American & Canadian missionaries held hostage. Their churches say they have the ransom, they just can’t find anyone willing to go to Haiti to drop it off.

Federal agents reportedly ambushed Severin Beckwith – a Brian Laundrie look-alike -while Beckwith hiked the Appalachian Trail. Feds realized their mistake and released Beckwith, who resumed burying the girlfriend he’d murdered.

A new People magazine article on the late Mary Kay Latourneau claims she had regrets over her affair with a 12-year-old boy – mainly because there was a 13-year-old she had her eye on.

Megan Thee Stallion shared a photo commemorating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Pardi Fontaine. Megan holds a cocktail glass between her buttocks as Fontaine sips it with a straw. She then twerked, leading to Fontaine requiring ten stitches to close the cuts.

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Subway sandwich shops may be selling fake tuna fish, after a testing lab could not confirm the species of fish being sold as tuna. Apparently, tuna are just like millions of sandwich-loving Americans who wouldn’t be caught dead inside Subway.

White House First Dog Champ Biden passed away over the weekend. Surviving First Dog, Major Biden, asked for privacy during this difficult time so he could lick his own testicles.

Father of Kourtney Kardashian’s three children and legendary douche Scott Disick appeared on the Keeping Up With the Kardashians Reunion to answer why, at age 38, he’s dating a 20-year-old. Said Disick “because I can”.

Sprinter Usain Bolt and girlfriend Kasi Bennett welcomed twins, Saint and Thunder, who join older sibling Olympia Lightning. Usain & Kasi are unsure whether they’ll have more kids, or whether Bolt will disable his nuts.

Laurel Hubbard, a 43-year-old transgender female, will compete on New Zealand’s Olympic weightlifting team in Tokyo. Hubbard, who transitioned in 2013, wants to prove something to everyone who thought she didn’t have the balls.

Amazon kicked off its annual Prime Days sale. Competitors are creating their own online shopping events, with Target launching Deal Days, and Walmart holding their Hooray You Don’t Have To Actually Set Foot In Walmart sale.

The Supreme Court ruled against the NCAA, opening the door for student-athletes to receive “education-related compensation”. Football & basketball coaches immediately started interviewing academic tutors who are also exotic dancers.

American Airlines is reportedly cancelling flights because of a labor shortage. They say additional workers are needed. or else passengers will wait up to three hours for checked bags instead of the traditional 90 minutes.

Sesame Street introduced a gay couple for the first time. “Introduced? We’ve been here 40 goddamned years!” said Bert & Ernie.

Protesters at the Palm Springs unveiling of a 26-foot-tall statue of Marilyn Monroe, claimed it’s exploitative because it shows Monroe’s underwear, recreating a scene from The Seven-Year Itch. They also claim it’s unnecessary to have a statue of John F. Kennedy next to it, staring up her skirt.

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NASA’s Ingenuity helicopter flew for 40 seconds in the thin atmosphere of Mars. They’re planning longer flights, just as soon as the Perseverance rover finishes painting a big ‘H’ on the ground.

Patrick Marleau of the NHL’s San Jose Sharks broke Gordie Howe’s league record for the most games played, and was presented with a new set of teeth.

Rocker Ted Nugent contracted COVID-19, or, as he calls it, Bat Scratch Fever.

Police in Texas say the driver’s seat was unoccupied when a Tesla vehicle slammed into a tree, killing two passengers. Unfortunately, the car was texting.

Former Fox News commentator Kimberly Guilfoyle joined the Senate campaign of disgraced former Missouri Gov. Eric Greitens. Guilfoyle said when she heard Greitens threatened blackmail against his hair stylist with nude photos, he was her kind of guy.

Reddit unveiled its Clubhouse app clone for group voice chats, called Reddit Talk. Now Redditors can hear multiple white supremacists & misogynists talk at once.

A 21-year-old was diagnosed with acute heart failure resulting from a habit of consuming four 16-ounce cans of Red Bull every day for several years. Surprisingly, he was still able to run to the hospital really quickly.

A backcountry guide in Yellowstone National Park was mauled to death by a grizzly bear, that apparently didn’t like taking directions.

Venmo announced it will allow transactions using cryptocurrency, so now you can forget to pay back the money you owe friends with Doge or Bitcoin.

Kourtney Kardashian posted a pic of her unbuttoned jeans & panties adorned with the word ‘Oui’ on Instagram, along with a poll “Rough sex? Love it or Leave it?” She promised to post the results as soon as her three kids, ages 11, 8 & 6, count the votes.

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Wells Fargo bank expects to cut 26,500 jobs over the next three years. Execs think that’s the right number, but they can’t be sure how many employees are fakes made up by other employees to open bogus checking accounts.

Increased cases of a rare eye infection have been reported among contact lens wearers in the U.K. Acanthamoeba keratitis, infection of the cornea, has tripled since 2011. Health officials say they’ve been slow to identify the trend because everyone there has foggy vision.

In a new episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, daughter Kourtney slams her mother, Kris Jenner, for cheating on her father when she was a kid – wondering why she would even bother having an affair if she didn’t have a tv show yet to cash in on it.

Halloween costume company Yandy removed a sexy “brave red maiden” costume from its site. The outfit is similar to those worn by women forced into sexual surrogacy in The Handmaid’s Tale. Yandy stopped selling the costume and said customers ordering it will be able to substitute its “sexy textile sweatshop worker” outfit for free.

President Trump, tweeting in regard to Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s alleged sexual assault on Christine Blasey Ford, wrote that if the attack was ‘as bad as she says’ charges would have been filed….adding “and I know a thing or two about this stuff.”

A Michigan mother was arrested and held for two hours when she confiscated her daughter’s iPhone as punishment.  An Apple spokesperson said she could have avoided being jailed if she’d followed advice in the Tips app.

Apple created a microsite where you can use your current mobile phone’s browser to look at a 3D model of the new iPhone XS. It’s so lifelike, if you drop your phone, the screen of the virtual XS breaks and you’re charged $49 to open your browser again.

The Cleveland Browns won a football game for the first time in nearly two years – and, by doing so, unlocked thousands of free Bud Light beers around the city for fans. Because the game ended so late, some of the beers were set aside to be enjoyed at Cleveland-area day care centers before nap time.

According to the World Health Organization, 1 in every 20 global deaths are attributable to alcohol consumption. They presented the findings in a new report entitled “Dilly Dilly”.

A study published in the Journal of Physical Activity and Health found that the most dangerous, injury-inducing, type of dance is in Zumba classes. The study cited some cases of women injuring their feet, and other cases of women being shot by men forced to go with them to Zumba.

 

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Katelyn McClure and Mark D’Amico – accused of stealing from the $400,000 donations in the GoFundMe account they’d set up for Johnny Bobbitt, Jr, who’d helped a stranded McClure – will “likely” face criminal charges. McClure & D’Amico are exploring whether to set up another GoFundMe to donate money to a good lawyer.

A treasure of 300 Roman-era gold coins dating from 474 B.C. was found underneath an old Italian theater by a construction crew. One of the workers was hospitalized after attempting to eat the chocolate inside of one.

Evacuations are underway in the Carolinas as Hurricane Florence is estimated to be a Category 4 hurricane when it makes landfall…and trees fall…and just about everything fall.

President Trump spoke in Shanksville, PA at the September 11 memorial there for United Airlines Flight 93, calling the tragedy ‘a moment when America fought back’. Americans joined together in private reflection regarding that, and November, 2016, a tragedy remembered as ‘a moment when America gave up.’

In an interview with GQ magazine, Paul McCartney said that he, John Lennon and some friends were so bored in their pre-Beatles days that they would turn out the lights and masturbate at the same time. McCartney said it was around this time that he discovered he liked to play his instrument left-handed.

Rumors are circulating regarding a possible breakup between pro golfer Dustin Johnson and his fiancée, Paulina Gretzky. Johnson has been linked to a member of his home club, Yassie Safai. Safai may be driving a wedge between Johnson and Gretzky, while Johnson has yet to deny playing a 2nd hole.

Kourtney Kardashian shared a racy photo of herself in a Burberry bikini top, and claimed in a caption that she is able to maintain a body weight of 98 pounds by jumping on a box 30 times a day. In a related story, her sister Khloe’s cheating boyfriend Tristan Thompson said during Cleveland Cavaliers road trips, he jumps on up to 30 boxes a week.

A co-founder of Tek Dry, a company that dries out waterlogged personal electronics, says that the first thing you should do if your phone becomes wet is to shut it off until it’s dry. The second thing to do is get ready to answer 20 questions from your wife or girlfriend about why you weren’t answering your phone.

Educators are debating the need to have opioid-overdose-reducing drug Narcan in elementary schools. For use on the kids, anyway.

New research funded by venture capital billionaire Peter Thiel suggests that age-related illnesses could be lessened with transfusions of younger-persons’ blood. Thiel presented the findings in his basement, at 2a.m., while wearing a black cape.