Friday Jokes: August 31

Southern Methodist University professor Ryan Murphy ranked U.S. states having the highest concentration of psychopaths. The state with the most? Connecticut. Because apparently the District of Columbia counts Congress and the President as visitors.

China is reportedly recruiting U.S. spies via LinkedIn — then, dropping them if they update their LinkedIn profile to read Chinese Government Spy.

For the third consecutive year, In-N-Out Burger has donated at least $25,000 to the California Republican Party, leading some Democrats to call for a boycott. In an attempt to capitalize on the negative publicity, rival burger chain Jack In The Box donated $25,000 to victims of families who died eating at Jack In The Box.

Senator John McCain’s body was flown from Arizona to Washington DC to lie in state at the Capitol. His plane crossed paths with Air Force One, which flew the President to lie in a rally in Indiana.

WSAZ-TV meteorologist Chelsea Ambriz was charged with misdemeanor battery after she shoved down station news anchor Erica Bivens during a fight, fracturing her skull. Bivens allegedly accused Ambriz of hitting on her husband, and Ambriz used a fast-moving high-pressure system to deck Bivens.

A brawl broke out on an easyJet flight from London to Ibiza after a woman passenger allegedly “gave lap dances”, flashed her breasts, and did cartwheels down the plane aisle. An easyJet spokesperson said that the offending passenger and her friends were escorted off the plane, and that registrations for easyJet’s Frequent Flyer program are up 5000%.

Nicki Minaj appeared on ‘Ellen’ and said that she’s dating two men at the same time – she’s assigned them separate butt cheeks, and they’ve never met each other.

Adults in the U.S. consumed more than 17 billion “binge drinks” in the U.S. in 2015 [the most recent data available] according to the Centers for Disease Control. Binge drinks are defined as 5 or more within two hours.  Experts claim the number is really higher, citing the difficulty keeping track of funnels and butt-chugs.

An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll cites 54% of Americans believe kneeling during the national anthem is ‘not appropriate’. Although 98% of NFL fans believe that sitting in a recliner during the anthem with nacho cheese and tortilla crumbs on your shirt is still okay.

Ariana Grande and fiancée Pete Davidson reportedly have matching pink Motorola Razr flip phones, so they can each imagine calling each other when they were 12 years old.

 

 

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