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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft filed a motion to prevent the release of surveillance video of him engaged in sex acts in a Florida massage parlor. Meanwhile, after further review, the NFL replay official confirmed holding below the waist.

The two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets operated by Lion Air and Ethiopian Airlines, each involved in fatal crashes, were sold without optional safety features that let pilots see the plane was in danger. The feature is called a “windshield”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade both called for President Trump to stop his insults of deceased Senator John McCain. Trump said he’s only counterpunching insults he hears from McCain during Executive Time.

Lori Loughlin’s daughter, Olivia Jade Giannulli, reportedly didn’t fill out her own college applications. Forensics experts reached the conclusion when verifying her signatures on the applications, where none of the ‘i’s were dotted with hearts or smiley faces.

A 10-foot long alligator was spotted swimming in water behind a woman’s home in Cape Coral, Florida. April is alligator ‘courtship’ season, where they search for partners prior to the May mating season. The woman said she’d like to get to know the gator better before making that commitment.

A new study finds strawberries, spinach and kale contain the highest levels of pesticide residue. Consumers intend to keep eating strawberries, and use the study as a lifelong rationale for not eating the other two.

Costco shoppers in California are posting photos of giant, 2-to-7 pound lobster claws being sold there. Back in the ocean, giant clawless lobsters are getting their tails kicked.

Excessively hot tea is being linked to esophageal cancer. A study followed 50,000 tea drinkers in a remote province of Iran and found nearly 400 had developed cancer. Critics point out that Iranian tea is made by steeping tobacco leaves in boiling puddle water.

Olive Garden posted a solid jump in sales. They attribute the growth to emphasizing classic Italian dishes, which they’ve always avoided making.

The United Nations released their annual ranking of 156 countries based on levels of ‘happiness’. The United States’ happiness ranking fell for the third straight year, and now sits at #19.  “Take that!” said 18th ranked Syria.

 

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Southern Methodist University professor Ryan Murphy ranked U.S. states having the highest concentration of psychopaths. The state with the most? Connecticut. Because apparently the District of Columbia counts Congress and the President as visitors.

China is reportedly recruiting U.S. spies via LinkedIn — then, dropping them if they update their LinkedIn profile to read Chinese Government Spy.

For the third consecutive year, In-N-Out Burger has donated at least $25,000 to the California Republican Party, leading some Democrats to call for a boycott. In an attempt to capitalize on the negative publicity, rival burger chain Jack In The Box donated $25,000 to victims of families who died eating at Jack In The Box.

Senator John McCain’s body was flown from Arizona to Washington DC to lie in state at the Capitol. His plane crossed paths with Air Force One, which flew the President to lie in a rally in Indiana.

WSAZ-TV meteorologist Chelsea Ambriz was charged with misdemeanor battery after she shoved down station news anchor Erica Bivens during a fight, fracturing her skull. Bivens allegedly accused Ambriz of hitting on her husband, and Ambriz used a fast-moving high-pressure system to deck Bivens.

A brawl broke out on an easyJet flight from London to Ibiza after a woman passenger allegedly “gave lap dances”, flashed her breasts, and did cartwheels down the plane aisle. An easyJet spokesperson said that the offending passenger and her friends were escorted off the plane, and that registrations for easyJet’s Frequent Flyer program are up 5000%.

Nicki Minaj appeared on ‘Ellen’ and said that she’s dating two men at the same time – she’s assigned them separate butt cheeks, and they’ve never met each other.

Adults in the U.S. consumed more than 17 billion “binge drinks” in the U.S. in 2015 [the most recent data available] according to the Centers for Disease Control. Binge drinks are defined as 5 or more within two hours.  Experts claim the number is really higher, citing the difficulty keeping track of funnels and butt-chugs.

An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll cites 54% of Americans believe kneeling during the national anthem is ‘not appropriate’. Although 98% of NFL fans believe that sitting in a recliner during the anthem with nacho cheese and tortilla crumbs on your shirt is still okay.

Ariana Grande and fiancée Pete Davidson reportedly have matching pink Motorola Razr flip phones, so they can each imagine calling each other when they were 12 years old.

 

 

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European airline TUI Airways is being criticized for sexism — giving out Future Pilot stickers to young male passengers and Future Cabin Crew stickers to young female passengers. Worse, they’re being accused of racism for passing out Future Terrorist stickers to some children.

Safari tourists at Kruger National Park in South Africa stared in disbelief as the largest pride of lions ever recorded there — 15 in all — walked past the tour group. The tourists filmed while the leader of the pride asked “seen any wildebeests?” then left shaking his head as the tourists said ‘no’.

President Trump said that Google search results for the term “Trump News” were “rigged” to show negative coverage from mainstream news outlets.  Google denied it, but the top search results for “Tramp News” are nude pictures from Melania’s modeling career.

Bob Costas is rumored to be leaving NBC Sports after nearly 40 years. Costas is said to want to work elsewhere on a sports journalism show, while NBC is looking to save money spent coloring Costas’ hair.

John McCain’s body will lie in state at the U.S. Capitol on Sunday, with additional memorials planned for Arizona and the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis. Not to be outdone, President Trump announced that when he dies he’ll lie in state at the McDonald’s drive-thru near the White House.

Twitter announced it had shut down an additional 484 accounts this week for what it called ‘coordinated manipulation’ by an overseas misinformation network. Donald Trump was allowed to keep his @realdonaldtrump account despite Twitter finding him guilty of ‘uncoordinated manipulation’.

For the first time in 50 years, a future NASA astronaut quit in the middle of the two-year training program. 34-year-old Robb Kulin cited ‘personal reasons’ for his decision, although the other members of his training class said he just spaced out.

Dr Gail Bolan, head of the Centers for Disease Control’s Division for STD Prevention, said that sexually transmitted disease in the U.S. hit record levels for the fourth straight year. “After decades of declining STD rates, we’ve been sliding backwards” Bolan said. This confused teenagers with gonorrhea and syphilis, who said they got it sliding forward and backwards.

A magnitude 4.4 earthquake hit Southern California Tuesday evening, during an MLB game between the Colorado Rockies and Los Angeles Angels. Umpires called a balk when the pitcher’s mound moved.

Ariana Grande will perform at Aretha Franklin’s funeral. Morticians promptly bumped up the width of the late singer’s casket to provide her more room to spin in it.

 

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Bocco, a chimpanzee at the Miami Zoo, died unexpectedly at age 28. Chimpanzees life spans average between 50 and 60 years. A necropsy is scheduled to review cause of death, but investigators are using sign language to ask questions of Bocco’s ex-girlfriend, who was seen throwing her feces at him earlier in the day.

A 10-year-old boy was punished for calling his fifth-grade teacher “ma’am”, having to write “ma’am” four times on each line of a sheet of paper. The student’s parents objected, and had him assigned to a different teacher. As the boy left, he presented his old teacher with the phrase “later, bitch” written four times on every line of a sheet of paper.

ESPN’s morning talk show flop, ‘Get Up’, is scaling back from three hours to two, and is losing co-host Michelle Beadle. Beadle will relocate to Los Angeles to host her own show, ‘Get Lost’.

Louis CK performed stand-up at New York’s Comedy Cellar on Sunday night, the first time he’s performed since admitting to sexual harassment and masturbating in front of women. The audience was reportedly happy to see him pull out some new material.

According to Hollywood trade website TheWrap, Ben Affleck may lose his Batman role due to post-rehab insurance costs. Hearing the news, Henry ‘Superman’ Cavill, Gal ‘Wonder Woman’ Gadot, and Jesse ‘Lex Luthor’ Eisenberg have all started drinking to see if they, too, could lose their jobs in future DC Comics universe movies.

President Trump changed course and re-lowered the White House flag to half staff in honor of deceased Senator and decorated war veteran John McCain. Melania Trump has also hidden the President’s medication to keep him at half-staff or below for the foreseeable future.

New data from low-income lender Earnin says that Netflix’ latest price hike to $13.99/month may have scared away low-income consumers, especially the ones who can’t afford internet service or a television.

A Canadian woman’s profanity-laced Facebook post has gone viral, after she canceled her wedding because invited guests refused to pay a $1,500/person “attendance fee.” People on the guest list claim that the plan may have actually worked, if the reception not had a cash bar.

Tabitha Frost, 29, a California mom with hyperlactation syndrome — overproduction of breast milk – has donated over 1,000 pints of breast milk to mothers having difficulty producing. She pumps every three hours, which she likens to a full-time job. Frost says she also sells milk to pay to clean the shirts of friends that she hugs.

Eddie Murphy’s girlfriend Paige Butcher is pregnant with his 10th child – or, the 11th showing of Eddie Murphy Raw.

 

 

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High winds blew a bounce house — and a 9-year-old child inside of it — on to a Southern California highway, where it was struck by a car. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” asked a California Highway Patrolman to the 9-year-old.

The Milwaukee Bucks are reportedly considering hiring San Antonio Spurs assistant Becky Hammon to be the NBA’s first woman head coach.. :

  • All 11 boys on her team are happy they’ll each get a turn to shoot the ball.
  • “Traveling? I LOVE traveling!”
  • Players will arrive 10 minutes early to pregame shootaround so she can ask “is THAT what you’re wearing?”.. and make them change, if necessary.

A mysterious bacterial infection is killing large volumes of coral reefs in the Florida Keys. Scientists aren’t sure how the bacteria got there, but they want to speak to several women seen swimming near the reefs with their bikini bottoms off.

The summit between President Trump and Kim Jong Un will take place on June 12th in Singapore. Trump will take Air Force One; Kim rarely flies, so his staff are working on air travel logistics, starting with getting him upgraded from Boarding Group 6.

North Korea is also detailing plans to dismantle their nuclear test sites – starting with a nationwide plutonium raffle, paired with one final nuclear missile shot straight up in the air that lands back on the test site.

An Iowa man – paroled after an arrest for making methamphetamine in a home where a children’s daycare operated – has been arrested again on meth charges. He explained to officers that he had to get involved in the cooking operation again, because all of his employees left for kindergarten.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly berated White House Communications staff for leaking staffer Kelly Sadler’s comment that Senator John McCain’s opposition to Gina Haspel as CIA director didn’t matter because “he’s dying anyway.” Then she got mad about the leak about her getting mad about the other leak…and so on, and so on.

Hawaii’s Big Island is bracing for more eruptions from the Kilauea volcano. Island officials are making plans for possible evacuations, and burn treatments for Tony Robbins seminar participants who keep taking barefoot ‘courage walks’ across the lava flows.

Clearwater Beach, Florida was named TripAdvisor’s World’s Best Beach for 2018, edging out such other exotic beaches as The Ones With Far Fewer Dirtbags.

A Florida mother made her son surrender to police after she saw him in surveillance video from a robbery that was captured with a doorbell camera and shared by police. She plans to post bond for her son, but he is soooo grounded.

A dragon float caught fire during the Festival of Fantasy parade at Disney World on Friday. The fire was quickly extinguished, but Huey, Dewey and Louie were questioned by Uncle Donald who wondered what they were doing with rolling papers and a lighter.

Amanda Nunes defeated Raquel Pennington for the bantamweight title in UFC 224’s main event. Nunes and Pennington are the first pair of openly gay women to face each other in a UFC title bout. “Openly” being the operative word here.

 

 

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An institutionalized Hawaii man described as a “psychopathic predator” – acquitted of a 1979 murder due to insanity – escaped a psychiatric hospital, took a taxi to Honolulu airport and flew to California. Police captured the fugitive, are reviewing his escape and determining how he booked all of that travel with Marlboro Miles.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a form of digital pill with an embedded sensor that tells your doctor when you take it.  The American Veterinary Association approved a similar pill that tells vets your dog or cat spit their pill out and are hiding under the sofa.

Senator John McCain blasted the U.S. Army for a report that they accept recruits with a history of self-mutilation, telling reporters that mutilation of recruits should be saved for basic training.

A U.S. man with a rare condition is the first to undergo gene editing in the body, and now goes by Jeanne.

The release date of superhero sequel Wonder Woman 2 has been moved six weeks earlier, to November 1st, from December 13th, 2019.  “Good luck with her being ready early” said her old boyfriend.

A rare alligator snapping turtle has been found in the forests of Illinois, the first such sighting in the state in 30 years. The 30-pound female is around 18-years-old and was discovered wandering alone, wondering where all of the cute guys are.

Taylor Swift surprised shoppers at a Nashville Target store with an unannounced  appearance, followed by the release of a store-exclusive diss track “Snake Getting Groceries”, aimed at people who asked her for selfies without buying her Reputation album first.

People magazine named Blake Shelton their ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, with the express condition he not write a terrible country song with that title.

Three UCLA men’s basketball players returned with the team from China, where they were detained after allegedly shoplifting Louis Vuitton sunglasses. Upon arrival in the U.S., the players updated their Amazon Wish Lists to include “new sunglasses”.

President Trump is breaking with tradition and will not meet the American winners of Nobel Prizes. The White House cited a scheduling conflict with the Arena Football League Champion Philadelphia Soul – assuming they accept.

 

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Meghan McCain – daughter of GOP Senator John McCain – is joining the cast of The View, saying she wants to honor her father by being tortured for several years.

IKEA has acquired on-demand labor company TaskRabbit, whose contract laborers make money on odd jobs, like assembling IKEA furniture. TaskRabbit lawyers are struggling with the contract, since it’s written entirely in pictures.

A Broadway musical based on the life and music of Cher is set to debut in 2018, although producers wonder if they’ll ever be able to find a Cher impersonator.

Delta Airlines will offer free in-flight texting. Passengers can now contact their friends-with-benefits to ask ‘U up? Get me at the airport?’

A school librarian in Cambridge Massachusetts refused a shipment of 10 Dr Seuss books sent from Melania Trump as part of a reading initiative. The librarian said the Seuss books were ‘cliched’, and Melania had scribbled question marks in the margins next to words she didn’t understand.

Melania Trump met with families whose members died from opioid overdoses at a gathering at the White House. After the listening session, Mrs. Trump said she wished she could have been there to help addicts find nude modeling jobs and hook up with rich guys.

Children in the Chidza village of Zimbabwe capture mice and sell them as a delicacy. The kids are thrilled to be earning money and never thought they’d be awarded a Chipotle franchise.

Accused National Security Agency document  leaker Reality Winner is alleged to have smuggled classified documents out of the office in her underwear. She told investigators she would have taken more, but her Spanx wouldn’t allow it.

Womens apparel retailer Forever 21 is teaming up with Taco Bell to offer a Taco Bell-themed collection of bodysuits, sweatshirts and hoodies — mostly in large sizes.

A Dearborn, Michigan toddler shot two other children with a loaded handgun he found at daycare. The two victims are in good condition, and will think twice the next time they decide they won’t share their toys.

  • The shooter has already been hired to address an NRA Conference, with a keynote address he’s calling “Time Out, My Ass!”

In the wake of its massive data breach, Equifax will offer free “credit locks”. This way, identity thieves can prevent victims from stealing their identities back.

The Chicago Bears v Green Bay Packers Thursday night NFL game marked the league’s debut on new broadcast partner Amazon Prime. Packers QB Aaron Rodgers threw four TD passes and also now leads the league in buffering.

  • The game was delayed for nearly an hour as a storm passed, so players with 1-in-2 odds of head trauma could be protected from 1-in-1 million odds of lightning strike.
  • Packers and Bears players stood with arms locked during the National Anthem. It was either a show of solidarity or the beginning of an awesome game of Red Rover.

 

Carmen Electra offered her memories of deceased Playboy founder Hugh Hefner; saying that Hefner ‘loved life and loved what he did’, although he couldn’t always remember who he did.

Roger Goodell met at NFL Headquarters in New York City with a group of team owners and prominent players to discuss players kneeling during the national anthem and other issues impacting the game. No definitive conclusions were reached regarding the kneeling, but everyone attending agreed that Odell Beckham Jr’s peeing dog was dumb.

 

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Researchers at Boston University believe they have established a biomarker for detecting CTE in professional football players – they’re calling it “a pulse”.

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner died at age 91, from blood clot complications in a priapism that he’d kept going since 1986.

Mark Zuckerberg fired back at the President, who had called Facebook ‘anti-Trump’. Zuckerberg said Facebook is not ‘anti-Trump’ .. just anti-privacy and – for a modest advertising fee – anti- any race, religion or ethnicity.

Trump spoke at a rally in Indiana to introduce his new Tax Reform proposal; details are sparse since it’s still being audited.

Axios reports that President Trump is physically mocking GOP Senators John McCain & Mitch McConnell in private for their failure to support him. Once Trump nails his Obama impression, he’ll join Rich Little for a rally in Branson, Missouri.

 

Authors from six public interest groups graded 25 fast-food chains for their actions to reduce antibiotics in menu items. Only Chipotle and Panera Bread received ‘A’s; McDonald’s & Wendy’s received ‘C’s. Sonic got an F. Arby’s received an Incomplete because testers were too sick to finish.

A 47 year-old British man was x-rayed and diagnosed with a lung tumor, which was later revealed to be a Playmobil toy traffic cone he had inhaled at the age of 7. Doctors removed the cone, saying it should have come out during a prior surgery to remove several toy cars he’d inhaled that were parked around it.

Jane Fonda appeared on Megyn Kelly Today to promote her new movie with costar Robert Redford. Fonda curtly lashed back at Kelly’s questions about her plastic surgery. Redford’s face could be seen laughing as it poked through the third button down on his shirt.

Friday is National Coffee Day, with a number of coffee shops and stores offering deals. This year, however, 7-Eleven will not be offering a deal. Store owners are encouraging customers to just walk out without paying for it like they always do.

Maye Musk, the 69 year-old mother of tech billionaire Elon Musk, is the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics. Maye is easy, breezy, beautiful and pissing off other senior women who  sure as hell could use that money more than her.

Medical journal The Lancet reports that roughly half of abortions worldwide are unsafe. Among the most risky locations? – Latin America, and the Pocono Mountains near Kellerman’s resort.

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Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.

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President Trump banned transgender Americans from serving in the military. E! Network announced it’s scrapping plans for a new reality series, ‘Colonel Caitlyn’.

No word yet on how Defense Secretary James Mattis will handle the thousands of transgender enlisted personnel, though some say he’s in favor of giving them all an Honorable Red Carpet Discharge.

Senator John McCain slammed Trump’s use of Twitter to make major policy announcements, saying that’s what National Boy Scout Jamboree speeches are for.

White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told a radio show that he will stop his office from leaking to the press, and that his staff needs to stop acting like “Mean Girls”. Meanwhile, Donald ‘Regina George’ Trump took to Twitter to burn Jeff Sessions to “stop trying to make Russia happen”.

  • Scaramucci already fired one staffer, and rumors are flying that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders may soon be gone from The Plastics.

President Trump and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker are set to announce that Apple partner Foxconn will open Apple assembly plants in Wisconsin. The plants are expected to lift the state economy — Foxconn has already scheduled Job Fairs for local 12 and 13-year olds.

Adobe said that it’s killing the Adobe Flash plug-in by 2020, giving your grandparents ample time to find another reason why their darn computer isn’t working.

Britain announced that it will phase out all gasoline and diesel cars in 2040. The world awaits the clever term they’ll use for ‘electric’ the way they use ‘petrol’ for gas.

The Pentagon is under fire for blowing $28 million on ‘woodland’ camouflage for Afghani soldiers, when just 2% of the terrain is woodlands, and many other free camo patterns were available. The Defense Department acknowledged the error, saying soldiers should have received camouflage that looked like blown-up buildings.

Lyft is trialing ‘Taco Mode’ in California – in which a driver will show up and whisk a rider to the nearest Taco Bell. The rider can then choose a ride back home or to the nearest hospital.

  • Pending a successful trial, Lyft has already readied “Fry Mode” for McDonald’s, “Frosty Mode” for Wendy’s, and “Suicide Mode” for Arby’s.

Atlanta Falcon Julio Jones hired a dive team to find a $150,000 earring he lost while riding a Jet Ski in Georgia’s Lake Lanier. The divers failed to find the earring, citing the darkness at the lake’s bottom and all of the corpses in their way.

A California man was arrested for smuggling exotic animals when U.S. Customs intercepted a shipment to his house from Hong Kong, containing King Cobras packed in cans of potato chips. Additionally several U.S. Customs agents were treated for snake bites and suspended for stealing potato chips.