Thursday Jokes: November 1

A drunk American Airlines baggage handler fell asleep in the cargo hold of a Boeing 737 and flew from Kansas City to Chicago. He was suspended from work, but made friends with five or six dogs he met on the trip.

Uber announced Uber Pro, a new loyalty program for drivers that offers perks like extra pay, online college courses, vehicle dent repair, and defense attorneys specializing in sexual harassment.

A 26-year-old woman, naked from the waist down, fell through the ceiling of a Cook Out burger & barbecue restaurant in Kingsport, Tennessee, twice. After falling through the ceiling in to the kitchen the first time, the manager told her to put on a hair net, which she did, then dropped in to the kitchen again.

A man stabbed two coworkers at a Pittsburgh bar when they were telling him he was fired. The man received no severance, while the coworkers are expected to recover after being severed.

A Mississippi man was thrown out of a bar’s Halloween party for wearing a Ku Klux Klan costume. The man claimed it was an honest mistake, that he just showed up a night early for his regular meeting.

A 53-year-old woman survived 6 days in the Arizona desert after her car crashed and was left suspended in a tree. The woman told her rescuers that she actually stayed in the treed car for three days, but finally set out on foot because Google Maps would only say “rerouting”.

Megyn Kelly’s belongings were rapidly gathered and removed from her NBC News office on October 24, the day after her infamous ‘blackface’ comments. “Man, there’s a lot of shoe polish in here” said an intern holding a cardboard box.

The owner of a vegetarian restaurant in Bangkok allegedly tried to cover up a murder by serving the flesh of the victim to diners. Patrons complained that they found minced meat in their noodles. The owner/suspect remains at large, but police are hoping to trace him from his responses to angry one-star Yelp! reviews.

An experiment from The National Toxicology Program using 3,000 rodents found positive, but sparing, evidence that cellphone radio waves raise the risk of brain cancer in male rats. They also found definitive evidence of brain cancer in female rats from cellphones, since their conversations were 10 times longer.

Carnival Cruises confirmed an issue with its Carnival Sunshine vessel, causing the ship to tilt to one side.  Carnival said it was a malfunctioning fin stabilizer, passengers said it was a malfunctioning buffet, causing them to all rush to one side of the boat to vomit.

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