Leslie Van Houten, convicted Manson Family murderer, had her parole recommendation reversed for a fifth time by California Governor Gavin Newsom and will remain in prison. Someone else will now have to bring potato salad to the Manson Family Reunion.

The United States will issue gender-neutral ‘X’ passports. Bored TSA agents will settle “what’s in the pants” wagers with impromptu pat-downs and strip searches.

After digging trenches to fortify their postition at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, Russian troops are suffering “acute radiation sickness”. Other Russian troops that occupied an abandoned Ukrainian McDonald’s are suffering from “regular sickness”.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating Google for forcing automakers to include Google Maps navigation with any Android Auto installation. Google is telling the Justice Department to get lost.

The NHL Detroit Red Wings fired Al Sobotka, their Zamboni driver of 51 years. No details were given, but Sobotka was last seen taking a rink sobriety test administered by Michigan Skate Troopers.

Google Search has added a ‘Highly Cited’ label to vouch for quality & accuracy when returning information about a story or topic. They’re considering adding a ‘Highly Aroused’ label to Incognito Mode searches.

Infamous Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse said on a podcast that his repeated calls to President Joe Biden have gone “unreturned…crickets”. A White House spokesperson said Rittenhouse hasn’t been called back because Joe Biden doesn’t have the number for Rittenhouse’s Paw Patrol Phone.

Paraplegic House Rep. Madison Cawthorn said he’s been invited to orgies and watched fellow Congressmen do cocaine. He later admitted to exaggerating, and walked – or, rolled – back his remarks.

A woman was awarded $5.25 million in damages when she discovered she was impregnated with her fertility doctor’s sperm, not the sample she’d selected. The woman recalled thinking it was unusual her treatment included dinner and a movie.

Bruce Willis announced his retirement from acting, just 25 movies after being diagnosed with a cognitive illness.

Apple CEO Tim Cook had a photo of his house removed from Google Maps, a move that Google now offers to everyone who requests it, but is opposed by stalkers.

A scientist determined that the best starting word in the popular online game Wordle is ‘later’, and the worst starting word is ‘xylyl’. The scientist then visited his mentally-ill scientist friend, the only guy in the world who starts Wordle with ‘xylyl’.

Elon Musk offered a teenager $5,000 to shut down a Twitter account that tracks the movement of Musk’s private jet, then withdrew the offer after the teen demanded $50,000. In response, the teen is creating a new usage-tracking account, Elon Musk’s Private Jet’s Toilet.

Mompha Junior, age 9, from Lagos, Nigeria, is touted online as the “world’s youngest billionaire”, thanks to his wealthy father who gifted him supercars and mansions. The boy plays in the world’s only bounce house with six bedrooms, five baths and a pool.

A man mistakenly received a text from a woman – intended for her friend – who admitted leaving her bra at his house after their date “so he has to text me again.” She was right, as the man texted “my wife found your bra”.

A driver was rescued after his SUV crashed through the frozen pond of a Montgomery County, Pennsylvania golf course. He was treated for hypothermia, but vowed never to give up the search for the Titleist he lost in October.

Apple will allow “unlisted” apps – not visible to the general public, but available via a direct link – to be accessed through the App Store. The top unlisted app is Lonely 20something Substitute Teacher, which has been downloaded by the entire football team.

Microsoft said Windows-enabled computers need to be online at least 8 hours in order to “reliably” install version updates & patches via Windows Update. The good news is, if your boss asks what you did for 8 hours, you can say “update Windows”.

SpaceX cancelled a planned rocket launch after a cruise ship mistakenly sailed too close to the Cape Canaveral, Florida launch site, causing the rocket to test positive for COVID-19 and norovirus.

American Nazi group the National Socialist Party held a rally in Orlando, Florida on Sunday afternoon, as members of the White Supremacist group quickly turned into Red Supremacists.

The United States will resume talks with Iran on an agreement governing nuclear weapons. Iran admitted most of the reason they wouldn’t talk with the Trump Administration is that he kept saying nuke-you-lur.

An Oklahoma middle school student saved a choking classmate with the Heimlich maneuver, then helped an elderly woman escape a house fire on the same day. And he STILL isn’t getting an Xbox for Christmas.

A potential breast cancer vaccine is undergoing testing – although young women are warned to be wary of teenagers in lab coats posing as doctors on Instagram asking for photo applications for a clinical trial.

A software glitch caused Google to temporarily disable the Call Screening function on its Pixel 6 phones, leading to record sales of extended auto warranties to Pixel 6 owners.

Preservation experts opened an 1887 time capsule stored in a statue of Robert E. Lee that was dismantled in Richmond, Virginia. It contained an 1875 almanac, two books, a coin, and an envelope containing five-star reviews of several different slaves for Confederate Yelp!

Kim Kardashian reportedly goes on group dates with Pete Davidson to keep estranged husband Kanye West from spiraling in jealousy. These are different from the “group dates” Kardashian filmed privately in high school.

Coldplay announced they’ll stop making music as a band in 2025, and also announced they’ve refused thousands of offers to move that up to 2022.

Governor Mike DeWine signed a bill into law legalizing sports betting in Ohio. DeWine said he expects all Ohio households to improve their income by betting against the Browns.

Google Maps added a feature where ‘most visited’ places are pinned to the bottom of your phone screen. They say giving the quickest route to favorite bars & liquor stores won’t prevent drunk driving, but it’ll get ’em off the road quicker.

Tiffany jewelers was sold to French company Louis Vuitton Moet Hennessy for $15 billion. Human Resources then fired multiple Tiffany executives by getting down on one knee and asking them to leave while giving each a pink slip in a light blue box.

Burger King is selling Whoppers for 37 cents this weekend, but reminds cheapskates planning to load up that they make terrible, smelly stocking-stuffers.

Google Maps added the ability to place restaurant reservations. “For the thousandth time, we don’t take reservations” said annoyed workers at a New Jersey Turnpike rest area Roy Rogers.

The first U.S. case of the Omicron COVID-19 variant was identified in San Francisco. It’s expected to spread rapidly because it’s just too expensive to live there.

Alec Baldwin told ABC News George Stephanopolous he “didn’t pull the trigger” on the gun that fired a lethal shot on a movie set. The NRA then promptly added the Easy Shoot Cowboy Pistol to its 2021 Holiday Buyers Guide.

Christian televangelist and anti-vaxxer Christian Lamb died from COVID-19. His wife announced the news on their Daystar Television Network, saying COVID came in like a lion, and took out a Lamb.

After failing to reach a new labor agreement, Major League Baseball owners voted unanimously to lock out players. A reminder that this lockout is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer, the official hard seltzer of Major League Baseball. For the loudest flavors ever, it’s Bud Light Seltzer.

Tesla unveiled the $1,900 ‘Cyberquad’, a fully-electric children’s all-terrain vehicle. However, purchasers have to build it themselves with instructions from a 22-page manual, so kids should be driving it around Christmas 2025.

A new dinosaur species found in Chile had a unique bladed tail it would slash as a weapon, proving that even male dinosaurs would risk it all trying to chase some tail.

Pope Francis accepted the resignation of Paris Archbishop Michel Aupetit over his “intimate relationship” with a woman, with “intimate” defined by the Vatican handbook as “over the sweater second base”.

A study of National Basketball Association players & staff found vaccinated people with breakthrough COVID infections may be less likely to spread the virus. They tested a sample of NBA players, and an even bigger sample of their away-game side pieces.

China updated its policies to allow families up to three children, because those iPhones aren’t going to build themselves.

Apple extended their remote office work until January, 2022 – unless your office is an iPhone factory, in which case get your ass to work right away.

Tesla introduced Tesla Bots – humanoid robots that use the same artificial intelligence and cameras found in Tesla cars. The first Tesla Bots turned on their auto pilot function and died sprinting into bridge abutments.

The FDA gave full approval to the Pfizer vaccine to treat COVID-19 – but, in a rare “I-told-you-so moment”, also gave full approval to Clorox for injecting bleach.

Kylie Jenner is reportedly pregnant with her second baby fathered by rapper Travis Scott. Her first child is named Stormi, she plans to name this one Dark.

The Pentagon is ordering U.S. airlines help evacuate American citizens and Afghan visa holders from Kabul after the Taliban’s violent takeover. Evacuees assigned to Spirit Airlines decided to wait a few days to see what their options are.

Governor Andrew Cuomo is reportedly asking staffers if anyone wants to keep his dog, Captain, after he leaves the Governor’s mansion. So far, no takers, as Captain faces 13 different allegations of unwanted leg-humping.

After Mike Richards resigned following accusations of sexual harassment and misogyny, critics want Mayim Bialik fired from her Jeopardy! hosting duties over past statements on vaccines. At this rate, Levar Burton may never get hired because of the fight Geordi had with Captain Picard in 1987.

Former special education teacher-turned-OnlyFans porn star Courtney Tillia said the platform’s ban on pornography will hurt her financially, but she won’t return to teaching. “Damn”, said her special education students.

Google Maps expanded support for e-bike and scooter rental services, so you can get directions to the emergency room when you get struck by a car on your e-bike or scooter.

Boston Beer Company is teaming with Pepsi to make an alcoholic version of Mountain Dew – called Mountain Dew: Code Liver Failure.

Five New Jersey shore beaches were closed due to fecal bacteria levels. Local officials are asking parents to bathe diaper-clad infants and toddlers in the water to get levels back up to normal.

Colorado officials are saying not to trust Google Maps & Waze, after several travelers were stranded following those directions. They also say not to trust local bears offering to help when they see you’re lost.

New York Lieutenant Governor Kathy Hochul will become New York’s first woman Governor after Andrew Cuomo resigned. She led Cuomo’s “Enough Is Enough” campaign to battle sexual assault on college campuses, but did not support his “Enough May Not Be Enough” program in the state capital.

YouTube suspended Senator Rand Paul for sharing a video that falsely claims masks are ineffective in preventing the spread of COVID-19. Unfortunately this also means no one can view his many skateboard trick videos.

Tropical Storm Fred could hit Florida, and may rise to hurricane strength. Governor Ron Desantis has threatened to shut down businesses that temporarily close to stay safe.

A new study finds four seconds of high-intensity exercise, repeated two or three dozen times, benefit metabolism and muscles in people of varying ages. Although the study points out the four seconds need to be repeated in the same day, not year.

Northrop Grumman launches a new cargo ship to the International Space Station today. You can watch the launch online, then watch the arrival to guess which astronaut anxiously grabs the new shipment of toilet paper.

Jeopardy! will reportedly have two official hosts for the first time ever, with Executive Producer Mike Richards hosting daily games, and Mayim Bialik hosting specials and spinoffs. Aaron Rodgers will host his own special pouting about not being included in the decision.

A 13-year-old boy on an American Airlines flight was duct-taped to his seat for abusing his mother, and attempting to kick in a window. Other passengers were jealous because they taped him to a bulkhead aisle seat.

Flip or Flop star Christina Haack finalized the property settlement in her divorce from fellow HGTV star Ant Anstead. She keeps all their houses, but he gets to keep his Ant farm.

An all-woman broadcast team will call the Tampa Bay Rays/Baltimore Orioles game, a first for Major League Baseball. Not much will be different, only viewers will have to wait a couple of days to hear what the players did wrong.

The FBI is planning to upgrade criminal background checks for gun purchases, for tighter controls on sales to individuals under 18. Buyers are encouraged to act now if they want to give gifts for Sweet 16 parties and quinceaneras.

A tv docudrama about the Sex Pistols is hitting a snag as John ‘Johnny Rotten’ Lydon wants to block use of the group’s music. Producers may have to improvise by having teenage drug addicts bang on kitchen utensils.

Chrissy Teigen mourned the death of her dog, Pippa. Before the animal died, Teigen said she apologized for years-ago tweets calling the dog a fat bitch.

New York Yankees players Aaron Judge, Gio Urshela & Kyle Higashioka all tested positive for COVID-19, forcing the postponement of Thursday’s game. After those three strikes, the Yankees were out.

Google Maps is being accused of providing “potentially fatal” hiking routes. Google said they can’t help it if someone asks for walking directions on the Cross-Bronx Expressway.

An Indian bride called police and canceled her wedding, saying she didn’t want to marry the man because he was in love with someone else. The groom admitted he was in love with the other woman, but she was a lousy cook.

Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin flight will include the youngest – 18-year-old Oliver Daemen – & oldest – 82-year-old Wally Funk – space travelers ever. Daemen said he’s limited Funk to a total of two boring stories over the duration of the trip.

Machine Gun Kelly said he had a poster of actress & current girlfriend Megan Fox in his room as a teenager. He’s glad it worked out with Fox, because he was too late for his Farrah Fawcett poster.

Switzerland – which had previously issued only men’s underwear to all recruits – will now issue women’s underwear to female recruits. Thus ending the only long-term military conflict in Swiss history, The Battle of the Bunch.

CDC data cite COVID-19 as the 3rd-leading cause of death in 2020, right after heart disease and fights over the remote during quarantine.

Chinese police arrested a seller of video game cheat codes, who then escaped after unlocking the keypad on his jail cell with Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A.

Google Maps is being updated to include realtime weather information, for drivers who can’t see out the windows.

After spending a year in space, testing revealed that astronaut Scott Kelly’s heart shrank over 25%, due to zero gravity and his girlfriend dumping him.

Scientists discovered X-rays being emitted by Uranus – an even greater risk to melting your friend’s faces off.

A Pennsylvania pharmacist who wears a Superman suit to his vaccination clinics has given COVID-19 shots to over 15,000 people. However, a different pharmacist dressed as Lex Luthor has vaccinated over 15,000 with a mind control chip.

Ikea introduced a low-cost $55 air purifier, the Ffarrteerasr.

A plane being used for a gender reveal crashed into the ocean in Mexico, killing the pilot and a passenger. The reveal was confusing becuase of the pink dust floating in the blue sea.

Boxer Manny Pacquiao called people attacking Asian-Americans “cowards” and told them to “fight me instead”. A man who assaulted an elderly Chinese woman agreed to fight Pacquiao, and will make $750,000.

A ‘Captain Underpants’ spin-off book will no longer be published by Scholastic for what’s been described as ‘passive racism’. They’ll also stop publishing ‘Captain Adult Incontinence Underpants’ books because of ‘active ageism’.

The United States Men’s soccer team failed to qualify for the Summer Olympics. The good news is the money it saves will be used to fund a bake sale the Women’s soccer team needs to raise money for their airfare to Tokyo.

Boston Dynamics showed off ‘Stretch’, its new multi-tentacled warehouse robot. Stretch failed its first shift in a Amazon warehouse after shooting oil into an empty soda bottle and melting it.

NASA determined a 1000-foot wide asteroid, Apophis 99942, is not a risk to strike earth for at least a century. “I’m still concerned” said an extremely fit 2-year-old.

A mafia fugitive from Italy was apprehended in the Dominican Republic after he & his wife posted Italian cooking videos on YouTube. He was charged in Italy with several counts of kidnapping, drug trafficking, and using canned tomatoes to make gravy.

Google is adding augmenteed reality features to Google Maps, to help guide you through public indoor spaces like airports, malls & train stations. Google believes it will vastly improve the efficiency of public restroom hookups and drug deals.

Texas launched a COVID-19 vaccine appointment scheduler, and a message board where anti-vaxx Texas knuckleheads can make fun of the people signing up.

Kendall Jenner increased security at her home after a discovering a nude man swimming in her pool who was not an active NBA player.

A new list highlights the most popular cocktail during the pandemic in each U.S. state. In California it’s a Paloma, in Florida it’s a Pina Colada, and in New York it’s whatever helps you forget being kissed by Governor Cuomo.

Donald Trump interrupted a wedding reception at Mar-A-Lago, where he spoke for over two minutes bashing Joe Biden. He would have kept going, except he spotted a piece of wedding cake bigger than all of the others.

Rudy Giuliani tested positive for COVID-19, then lost 40 lawsuits challenging the results.

In another stinging defeat, Santa Claus threw out a letter from attorney Jenna Ellis demanding he overturn Donald Trump’s assignment to the Naughty list.

Google Maps now allows users to upload their own ‘Street View’ photos of businesses to the app. Now you can find that great new pizza place and see how it looks with a guy standing naked in front of it.

California residents are under a new stay-at-home order for the next three weeks, but most still managed to show up fashionably late for breakfast in their own kitchen.

A mystery illness causing nausea and seizures put over 300 people in the hospital in Southern India. In other news, McDonald’s introduced the McChicken Tikka Masala.

Bob Dylan reportedly sold his songwriting catalog to Universal Music Group for over $300 million. Dylan asked if they wanted his vocal tracks too, and Universal said “nah, you keep ’em”.

Disney Parks announced the temporary closure of the Expedition Everest attraction at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, adding they routinely remove guests who froze to death.

A man quarantining at a Taiwan hotel was fined $3,500 for stepping out of his room for eight seconds. Still no word on when, or if, the prostitute he’s looking for will arrive.

Melania Trump announced the completion of the new White House tennis pavilion, and the deportation of everyone who worked on it.

YouTube influencer Logan Paul, who knocked out Nate Robinson in a boxing exhibition match, will fight undefeated Floyd Mayweather in February. Paul will then record a post-match video for YouTube when he wakes up in April.