New Jersey lawmakers heard proposals to legalize recreational marijuana sales with a 12% added tax. Legal weed sold on Atlantic City and Wildwood boardwalks alone is projected to generate a zillion dollars in sales to local and tourist dirtbags.
A mall in San Francisco is moving away from a centrally-located Santa on a large throne. Instead, Santa will roam the mall and stop for selfies with shoppers. But if asked, Santa will still sit down for a ‘sec so your small child can piss on his lap.
- “Who were those teenage girls I saw you making duck faces with?” asked an angry Mrs. Claus.
U.S. border agents fired tear gas at immigrants attempting to enter the country seeking asylum, including families with small children. “Great, now I have to sneak in next to a crying baby” said a road warrior immigrant.
NASA’s InSight spacecraft successfully landed on Mars. It slowed from 12,000 miles per hour to 5mph as it neared the surface, right after it spotted a Martian State Police car.
Police in Philadelphia are looking for the burglars who took $12,000 from a Family Dollar store — apparently right after the store sold 12,000 items.
General Motors CEO Mary Barra confirmed her plan to let go of 15,000 employees. Barra said 1) this is really hard; 2) she wants to remember the great times they had together; 3) she hopes they can still be friends; & 4) that it’s not them, it’s her.
President Trump slammed the GM cutbacks, saying that he spoke to CEO Barra and that he was “very tough” on her. Trump added that he’s sad to see the discontinued Chevy Cruze go, since he really loved driving his.
Doctors and women are speaking out about a rash of cancer cases linked to ‘textured’ breast implants. Concerned women having their breasts examined are also warning fellow implant recipients that not everyone at the hospital asking to see their breasts are really doctors.
A U.S. Border Patrol agent’s “gender reveal” stunt that caused a 45,000 acre brush fire was released by the Forest Service. He fired a shot at an exploding target that released blue powder, then burst into flames igniting the surrounding grass. Months later, his wife gave birth to a very hot boy.
A group is warning against retrieval of the body of U.S. missionary John Chau’s body after he was murdered by the Sentinelese tribe. The warning comes from a group of sharks who aren’t done with it.