Friday Jokes: November 30

16 U.S. Postal Service workers were sentenced to prison for assisting drug traffickers by delivering packages containing cocaine on their routes. The scheme was discovered when cocaine was repeatedly delivered to the wrong houses. 

A new study of cognitive behavior published in the journal Learning & Behavior concludes that dogs aren’t as smart as humans think. The study covered spatial/physical/social/sensory cognition and found that all of that doesn’t outweigh eating from the cat’s litter box. 

McDonald’s is disputing London Metropolitan University’s test that every ordering touch-screen it swabbed in U.K. restaurants tested positive for fecal matter. McDonald’s is not, however, disputing that the same results were found in the food. 

Google CEO Sundar Pichai will appear before Congress to answer questions about anti-conservative bias in their filtering of news and search results. Congressmen will have the choice of beginning their questions with Mr. Pichai or Hey, Google. 

Marriott revealed a data breach, exposing the personal information of about 500 million guests, including credit information. A similar breach was revealed for Motel 6 customers, but their credit is so bad the hackers can’t do anything with it. 

Democrats plan to investigate the Trump Company’s plan to give Vladimir Putin a $50 million penthouse atop a proposed Trump Tower in Moscow. They also plan to investigate why the layout called for 10′ x 10′ floor-mounted urinals next to the bed. 

Billionaire Richard Branson is funding an expedition to determine what’s at the bottom of Belize’s Great Blue Hole – a giant ocean cavern 125 meters deep – believed to be the world’s largest repository of scuba diver’s lost GoPros and car keys.

In Philadelphia, a woman denied beer because she lacked the money ignited hairspray and used it as a flamethrower toward the cashier. No one was injured, and the owner extinguished the burning Busch. 

University of Wisconsin – LaCrosse Chancellor Joe Gow angered school officials, using $5,000 from the school to pay porn actress Nina Hartley for a lecture. 72 students attended the lecture; fewer students attended 30-minute meet-and-greets costing $250. 

Fox News hosts apologized for a Fox & Friends segment where Kid Rock called comedian Joy Behar a ‘bitch’. Vegas bookmakers then placed even-money odds on the Behar/Rock rap battle to settle the beef. 

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