Pearl Jam announced a brief tour of summer dates, with “fairly priced tickets” for fans. In turn, Ticketmaster announced limited-time Pearl Jam “unfairly bloated fees, even for us”.

Buzz Feed News will shut down. This will result in zero actual journalists losing jobs, plus you’ll no longer be able to take a quiz to discover which character of ‘Stranger Things‘ you’re most like.

Twitter began purging blue verification check marks from celebrities and brands who refuse to pay the $8/month fee. Social media sleuths are now on the case trying to decide which of 744 Twitter accounts is the real Corey Feldman.

Manslaughter charges were dropped against Alec Baldwin stemming from the on-set death of a cinematographer on the film ‘Rust’. The film will resume shooting in Montana, with Baldwin handling a selfie stick holding an iPhone in a bulletproof case.

A Russian woman living in New York was sentenced to 21 years in prison for attempting to kill a female friend with poisoned cheesecake to steal her identity. The friend survived, but is guilty herself about eating two slices of cheesecake.

A Colorado school bus driver is charged with 30 counts of child abuse for slamming on the bus brakes to teach young passengers the importance of staying seated. He also faces lesser charges of eating their snacks that skidded to the front of the bus.

An ultramarathon runner was disqualified and stripped of her 3rd-place finish after it was determined she rode in a car for part of the route. She was kicked out of the car when the guy driving it got tired of her fiddling with the temperature.

Barbara Walters’ Upper East Side New York apartment is up for sale for $19.75 million. It includes two spacious bedrooms, a Central Park view, and Joy Behar.

Because I Got High‘ rapper Afroman announced he’s running for President in 2024 as an Independent. He’s expected to take on incumbent Senileman, and GOP nominee Obese-HairplugMan.

A bear broke into a car in British Columbia and drank 69 cans of soda. The bear mostly drank Orange Crush, but appeared to stop when it tasted diet soda, because it doesn’t want cancer.

Elon Musk confirmed that some monkeys died while testing his Neuralink brain-implant chips. Although the monkey’s surviving mates believe they were murdered because the chips made them smarter than Elon Musk.

Joe Biden is expected to nominate Ketanji Brown Jackson as the first black woman Supreme Court justice. Jackson, in turn, is expected to nominate Biden as the first old white dude at her cookout.

Dancing With The Stars professional Cheryl Burke filed for divorce from husband Matthew Lawrence, citing irreconcilable differences, and the two being out-of-step.

Aaron Rodgers was seen with Shailene Woodley. Though no longer engaged, the two remain Friends With Huddles.

India banned 54 Chinese smartphone apps over security concerns, including TikTok. Indian officials say if citizens want to watch housewives sing and dance, they can watch Bollywood movies.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle say they stand with the people of Ukraine…in the backyard of their California mansion.

John Mayer tested positive for COVID-19. Several groupies have bodies that are a wonderland, but can’t taste or smell.

New strains of bird flu have been detected in the U.S., reinforcing the misguided beliefs of Southern U.S. COVID deniers who say vaccines & masks are “for the birds”.

Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear blamed for dozens of home break-ins in the California mountains, may not be at fault based on DNA evidence collected by wildlife officials, and by raccoons who have been granted immunity for their testimony.

The View’s Joy Behar said on the show she’s worried the Russian invasion of Ukraine might impact her Italian vacation. Whoopi Goldberg then tagged Behar on her way out of suspension, as Behar tags in.

Sharon Osbourne, who was fired from her own daytime show, The Talk, said she would never go back because producing network CBS “sucks big-time d**k”. She was accompanied by husband Ozzy, who’s now interested in CBS.

16 U.S. Postal Service workers were sentenced to prison for assisting drug traffickers by delivering packages containing cocaine on their routes. The scheme was discovered when cocaine was repeatedly delivered to the wrong houses. 

A new study of cognitive behavior published in the journal Learning & Behavior concludes that dogs aren’t as smart as humans think. The study covered spatial/physical/social/sensory cognition and found that all of that doesn’t outweigh eating from the cat’s litter box. 

McDonald’s is disputing London Metropolitan University’s test that every ordering touch-screen it swabbed in U.K. restaurants tested positive for fecal matter. McDonald’s is not, however, disputing that the same results were found in the food. 

Google CEO Sundar Pichai will appear before Congress to answer questions about anti-conservative bias in their filtering of news and search results. Congressmen will have the choice of beginning their questions with Mr. Pichai or Hey, Google. 

Marriott revealed a data breach, exposing the personal information of about 500 million guests, including credit information. A similar breach was revealed for Motel 6 customers, but their credit is so bad the hackers can’t do anything with it. 

Democrats plan to investigate the Trump Company’s plan to give Vladimir Putin a $50 million penthouse atop a proposed Trump Tower in Moscow. They also plan to investigate why the layout called for 10′ x 10′ floor-mounted urinals next to the bed. 

Billionaire Richard Branson is funding an expedition to determine what’s at the bottom of Belize’s Great Blue Hole – a giant ocean cavern 125 meters deep – believed to be the world’s largest repository of scuba diver’s lost GoPros and car keys.

In Philadelphia, a woman denied beer because she lacked the money ignited hairspray and used it as a flamethrower toward the cashier. No one was injured, and the owner extinguished the burning Busch. 

University of Wisconsin – LaCrosse Chancellor Joe Gow angered school officials, using $5,000 from the school to pay porn actress Nina Hartley for a lecture. 72 students attended the lecture; fewer students attended 30-minute meet-and-greets costing $250. 

Fox News hosts apologized for a Fox & Friends segment where Kid Rock called comedian Joy Behar a ‘bitch’. Vegas bookmakers then placed even-money odds on the Behar/Rock rap battle to settle the beef.