Tuesday Jokes: December 11

A 9-year-old girl in Ontario, Canada called 911 because she was angry that her parents had told her to clean her room. Police reiterated the importance of only calling 911 in an emergency, so the girl shot her parents in the leg and called them back.

A 29-year-old Summerville, South Carolina man was arrested for lighting fire to his neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations. He was charged with arson. Frosty was pronounced dead at the scene.

Kendall Jenner shared a photo via Instagram of a handwritten love letter she’d received, with the signature of its writer blacked out. Stalkers expressed their frustration at having to practice cursive to get noticed.

Sully, the service dog of deceased President George H.W. Bush, posed on the red carpet for CNN’s ‘Tribute To Heroes’ event in New York City. Sully took photos with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, then grabbed champagne and Milk Bones for a limo ride with several bitches.

Andrew Slavonic, a 101-year-old World War II veteran, credited drinking Coors Light beer every day for his long life. Miller Coors brewery then gave him a fridge stocked with Coors Light and a trip to see the brewery in Colorado – which Slavonic intends to take after he’s finished his fourth liver transplant.

Arizona parents attending a school play, ‘The Foreigner’, at ASU Preparatory Academy, were shocked that several students portrayed Ku Klux Klan members in full white robes. The students wearing the robes were just as shocked at how easy it was to find their costumes for the school play.

Instagram is rolling out ‘walkie-talkie’ voice messaging. Users can record a message up to one minute long, or as long as it takes to say “show me your tits”.

A Mississippi man who used a front-end loader to ram vehicles in a Walmart parking lot because he thought zombies were chasing him has been sentenced to 15 years in prison. The sentencing judge also told Walmart not to have its elderly greeters follow customers in the parking lot.

Researchers from New York University conclude that women are still seen as inferior to men when it comes to completing highly intellectual tasks. Dr. Andrei Cimpian, lead author of the study, published his results in the journal American Psychologist, just as soon as he found a girl to type it up for him.

Vitaminwater is looking for a person willing to give up all smartphone use for a year in exchange for $100,000. To be chosen, entrants must say what their plans are for the year without a phone. So far, entrants have shared plans ranging from “sleeping on vents in the sidewalk” to “remaining in a coma”.

 

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