Lunchables are being shipped directly to school systems, following modifications to meet minimum nutrition requirements. Meaning, each lunch now doubles in size and comes with two bottles of Flintstones vitamins.

A new study claims 3D-printed organs for medical transplants are still 10 years away, and you’ll still be blown away at how much the magenta cartridge refills cost.

Los Angeles Angels slugger Shohei Otani, playing for Japan in the World Baseball Classic, was struck out on three pitches by Czech Republic pitcher Ondrej Satoria, who works as an electrician. Teams may try to sign Satoria if they think they can afford a full-time electrician.

For the first time since 1977, all six of Philadelphia’s universities failed to qualify for the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournment – shocking, considering how good Philly is at shooting.

Former Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Trevor Bauer, suspended from Major League Baseball for sexual assault, will pitch for Japan’s Yokohama BayStars. Now Bauer can throw strikes at Japanese women.

Two Philadelphia schools remain closed for asbestos removal. Experts concluded the asbestos poses the 26th-most-dangerous threat to students at those schools.

Dubai will no longer charge a 30% tax on alcohol, and will no longer require tourists to buy permits to purchase alcoholic drinks. Dubai’s tourism board said this opens a door for rappers to finally hold their kids Sweet 16 parties in the country.

Former The O.C. actress Rachel Bilson said she never experienced orgasm during sex until she was 38 years old – recalling years of frustrating Chrismukkah Eves.

Facebook & Instagram parent Meta announced 10,000 job cuts, leaving impacted workers Reeling from the Story.

Silicon Valley Bank’s new CEO sent a letter to clients, saying “We are conducting business as usual”. He’s expected to be replaced by 4p.m.

A Southwest Airlines flight attendant suffered a broken back after a hard landing on a flight to California. She fell off the sink while in the lavatory with a copilot.

A police lieutenant in a Philadelphia suburb is accused of providing answers for an oral exam to a prospective police cadet. The lieutenant denies it, and adds the answers aren’t hard, including “shoot the guy”; “where’s my bribe?” and “jelly donuts”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago was prompted by a confidential informant, known only as Deep Slovenian Throat.

Disney+ is raising its monthly rates for ad-free content, despite an injunction filed to halt it from She-Hulk Attorney At Law.

Major League Baseball – whose rules prohibit in-game use of electronics – is investigating Pittsburgh Pirates second baseman Rodolfo Castro, whose cellphone fell out of his pocket as he slid into third base. The Tinder match on Castro’s screen also asked when he’d be sliding into third base.

Kevin Federline said his two sons with Britney Spears are choosing not to spend time with her because of her steady stream of nude Instagram photos. They prefer to stay with Federline, confident that they, along with everyone else, will never see him nude.

After 10 years off store shelves, General Mills is reintroducing Count Chocula, Frankenberry & Boo Berry – the Monsters Of Childhood Obesity.

Moderna’s CEO said he expects their COVID vaccine to evolve “like an iPhone”. Meaning old people will get a new one every six years.

Marguerite Koller, 99, of Blue Bell, Pennsylvania recently celebrated the arrival of her 100th great-grandchild. Unfortunately, Koller’s right hand is now paralyzed from writing so many five-dollar checks for birthday cards.

Investigators determined a foul stench in Paulsboro, New Jersey was from a truck releasing fumes from a fuel additive. They can now turn their attention to the foul stench of sunbathers along the Jersey Shore.

In Philadelphia, a food delivery driver shot a Chick-fil-A employee in the leg because he believed a milkshake was missing from his order. As news of the shooting spread, other food delivery drivers in Philadelphia reported getting bigger tips.

Movie theaters in the Middle East banned Disney/Pixar’s Lightyear because of a same-sex kiss. The Middle East is still reeling from that time Bugs Bunny dressed up like a sexy lady and kissed Elmer Fudd.

Instagram will now allow parents to send invitations to teen users so that parents can have additional supervisory controls. So far parents are 0-for-19 million getting their invitations accepted.

Yahoo! appointed Jessica Alba to its Board Of Directors, with incumbent women directors voting ‘No’ and male directors voting ‘Yahoo’!.

American Express will issue its first ‘Crypto Rewards Card’, where members can earn purchase rewards in their choice of cryptocurrency, which they’ll then have the flexibility to spend pretty much nowhere.

The vintage Harley Davidson motorcycle ridden by Johnny Depp in the John Waters movie ‘Cry Baby‘ is up for auction, with a starting bid of $250,000. Which seems high, but is still less than what some creep paid for the bedsheets Amber Heard ruined.

AEW wrestler Jeff Hardy was arrested for his 3rd DUI in Florida. Hardy was taken into custody after the cop slapped the pavement three times and rang a bell.

Japan enacted a law making ‘online insults’ punishable by up to year in prison. So now the Internet in Japan is pretty much just weird porn and cat videos.

Cryptocurrency exchange Coinbase is laying off 18% of its workforce. Asked how many of them wanted their severance paid in cryptocurrency, a spokesperson said “none”.

All entrances to Yellowstone National Park were closed amidst heavy flooding, disappointing tourists who’d hoped to get photos of bears surfing.

A barbell loaded with 400 pounds of weight crushed the neck of a woman at a gym in Mexico City, killing her. “You got this!” said the world’s worst bench-press spotter.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX/Starlink Satellite Internet service will provide broadband to war-torn Ukraine, so soldiers defending the country can still watch porn.

$2.9 million worth of meth disguised as onions was seized by cops in California. In other news, organizers cancelled the West Virginia Onion Festival.

Target recalled beaded baby teething toys because they pose a choking hazard, unless your baby has strong enough teeth to chew the beads and eat them.

Last night the SAG Awards were held in Hollywood, with a Lifetime Achievement SAG Award given to Meryl Streep’s tits.

Astronomers discovered two ‘supermassive’ black holes spiraling toward each other in what’s being described as a ‘cataclysmic’ collision, and the worst-ever black-on-black violence in the galaxy.

New research finds teens who smoked during adolescence age faster than their peers as adults, although their peers also refer to them as “that cool-looking older dude”.

NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover captured a photo of a mineral formation that looks like a flower. When it returned the next day it was gone, plucked by a martian who forgot his wedding anniversary.

Instagram influencer Paige Lorenze dumped country singer Morgan Wallen after accusing him of cheating on her. For his part, Wallen’s spokesperson said he’s “focused on being a dad” of his 1-year-old son, and on “probably being a dad again” with different women who show up at his concerts.

The iPhone SE’s price may drop as low as $199 after Apple updates in lineup in March. At $199, it could become the first iPhone that costs less to buy new than to fix its inevitable broken screen.

Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

Florida advanced a controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, banning discussion and activity about gender identity and sexual orientation in primary grade schools. This really messes up 6th graders who’d readied their drag queen acts for the big talent show.

A new study claims changing to a healthy diet could extend your life by up to 20 years. The same study finds Discshortened lives for anyone who’s rolled up over 20,000 reward points in the McDonald’s app.

Five Olympic ski jumpers were disqualified for wearing clothing deemed “too baggy” that could unfairly help them stay aloft. Another five were disqualified for eating rice & beans that could illegally aid in mid-air propulsion.

An Indonesian crocodile that had a motorcycle tire stuck around its neck for six years finally had it removed. The croc would have had it done sooner, but he’d paid for free lifetime balancing and rotation.

Tesla is recalling vehicles because their faulty heat pumps won’t properly defrost windshields, leaving Tesla autopilot drivers watching movies unable to look up and see what their car is crashing into.

The first evidence of the Omicron variant of COVID-19 being spread to wild animals has been found – a raccoon complaining to a veterinarian that he can’t taste or smell the garbage he’s eating.

New research links sleeping to weight loss. The study followed drug addicts who nod off for 16 hours a day.

Discovery Networks merger with WarnerMedia was approved – paving the way for ‘Dr Pimple Popper: The Movie’.

Kanye West made a open plea on Instagram for a reunion with Kim Kardashian and their kids, posting family photos captioned ‘GOD PLEASE BRING OUR FAMILY BACK TOGETHER’. God liked the pic but did not post a comment.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck attended the premiere of her new movie ‘Marry Me‘. No word on whether they’ll attend the premiere of his upcoming release ‘Let’s Just Have Sex And See Where This Goes‘.

Rutledge Deas IV, 31, of Metairie, Louisiana, was arrested for faking being handicapped to get caregivers to change his diapers. He was found guilty of the same crime in 2019, and was sentenced to probation and unsuccessful toilet training.

Rather than pay $22,000 to replace the battery in his 2013 Tesla Model S, a man in Finland filled it with 66 pounds of dynamite and blew it up. A YouTube video of the explosion has racked up thousands of views, but the man says he can’t find his dog.

A former TikTok content moderator is suing the company, saying she screened thousands of traumatic videos, but the company did nothing to protect her mental health. Asked what was in the videos, she said mostly teachers and dads dancing.

Yu Siang Garden, a Chestnut Hill, Pennsylvania Chinese restaurant, was robbed on Christmas Day. It’s a crime that had many other would-be robbers saying to themselves “now why didn’t I think of that?”

Multiple cruise ships are reporting COVID outrbreaks and are returning to their home ports. These include the Norwegian Corona, Carnival Delta, and Royal Caribbean Omicron.

T Mark Taylor, designer of the original He-Man and Masters of the Universe toys, died at age 80 in Southern California, but he will live on through Eternia.

A woman was disinvited from her friend’s wedding party because she was told she looked too good in the bridesmaid dress. She’s doing fine, but four of the ushers and groomsmen volunteered to check on her just in case.

Ayanna Davis, 20, a substitute teacher at a Florida high school, admitted to sex with an underaged student, which was recorded and shown to members of the football team. Police have not seen the video but are trying to find it, and are being aided in their search by every teen boy at the high school.

Las Vegas police who pulled over a pickup truck for a routine traffic stop found a severed head and several other body parts stuffed in a cooler. Cops arrested the man, who they describe as a “pretty terrible magician”.

Actress Valerie Bertinelli shared a tearful Instagram video discussing her struggles with weight and body image, then deleted thousands of comments under it from people making bad “take it ‘One Day At A Time'” puns.

The United States will resume talks with Iran on an agreement governing nuclear weapons. Iran admitted most of the reason they wouldn’t talk with the Trump Administration is that he kept saying nuke-you-lur.

An Oklahoma middle school student saved a choking classmate with the Heimlich maneuver, then helped an elderly woman escape a house fire on the same day. And he STILL isn’t getting an Xbox for Christmas.

A potential breast cancer vaccine is undergoing testing – although young women are warned to be wary of teenagers in lab coats posing as doctors on Instagram asking for photo applications for a clinical trial.

A software glitch caused Google to temporarily disable the Call Screening function on its Pixel 6 phones, leading to record sales of extended auto warranties to Pixel 6 owners.

Preservation experts opened an 1887 time capsule stored in a statue of Robert E. Lee that was dismantled in Richmond, Virginia. It contained an 1875 almanac, two books, a coin, and an envelope containing five-star reviews of several different slaves for Confederate Yelp!

Kim Kardashian reportedly goes on group dates with Pete Davidson to keep estranged husband Kanye West from spiraling in jealousy. These are different from the “group dates” Kardashian filmed privately in high school.

Coldplay announced they’ll stop making music as a band in 2025, and also announced they’ve refused thousands of offers to move that up to 2022.

Governor Mike DeWine signed a bill into law legalizing sports betting in Ohio. DeWine said he expects all Ohio households to improve their income by betting against the Browns.

Google Maps added a feature where ‘most visited’ places are pinned to the bottom of your phone screen. They say giving the quickest route to favorite bars & liquor stores won’t prevent drunk driving, but it’ll get ’em off the road quicker.

Tiffany jewelers was sold to French company Louis Vuitton Moet Hennessy for $15 billion. Human Resources then fired multiple Tiffany executives by getting down on one knee and asking them to leave while giving each a pink slip in a light blue box.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un banned leather jackets, to keep citizens from stealing his ‘look’. This is devastating news to the motorcycle-riding former Coolest Guy in North Korea, Han-zie.

Madonna criticized Instagram for removing photos she’d posted where her nipple was visible. Instagram said it wasn’t seeing the nipple that was offensive, it was seeing the bite marks that Dennis Rodman left there.

A webcam model posing nude with an 9mm pistol shot herself in the vagina. She was treated for her injuries and given Plan B, since neither she nor the gun was using protection.

Claudia Lennear, 74, the black woman who supposedly inspired the Rolling Stones’ ‘Brown Sugar‘, said she’s sad the band no longer plays it because of its controversial lyrics. The Stones said they may play an updated song about her, ‘Brown Dust’.

A New Zealand politician rode her bicycle to the hospital while in labor, where she delivered a healthy baby girl an hour later. Her husband gave her the ‘push present’ she asked for, a new bicycle seat.

A woman allegedly breastfed a cat on a Delta Air Lines flight, and refused to stop when confronted by flight attendants. The woman said it was the only way she could get the cat to stop crying.

Jack Dorsey is stepping down as CEO of Twitter, saying he’s had enough of being a leader, now he’ll be a follower.

Panera Bread is redesigning its restaurants to focus on a cozier dining space, improved drive-thrus, and a dedicated area for customers to ponder how it is they just spent $15 on a bowl of soup and half a sandwich.

A fan crowdsurfing at a GWAR concert in L.A. lost his prosthetic leg, but was reunited with it after the band asked for help. Not so lucky were the four people losing real limbs in the mosh pit.

A Guatemalan man survived a three-hour flight from Guatemala City to Miami as a stowaway in the landing gear compartment of an American Airlines jet. He was taken into custody, where he told authorities he didn’t have the $199 it takes to fly in the same spot on Spirit Airlines.

Portugal banned employers from texting employees after normal work hours. In related news, dozens of Portugese pimps declared bankruptcy.

Instagram is testing its Take A Break feature – where users spending too much time on the app are invited to go chill out on Facebook for a while.

76% of Americans believe Facebook has a negative impact on society. The other 24% just got 50 or more Likes for their last picture.

A security guard at Philadelphia’s Christmas Village was arrested for murder. Police confiscated the gun used in the sleighing.

A lobsterman in Casco Bay, Maine caught a rare blue-and-pink ‘cotton candy’ lobster. The lobster was removed from the trap, and declared its pronouns as they/them.

Inflation reached a 30-year high, a crucial statistic cited by the National Alliance Of Eight-Year-Olds seeking increases in their weekly allowance.

A Missouri man on trial for the murder of his wife said that he researched divorce instead, but who’s got that kind of time?

Hindus in New Delhi are bathing in the sacred Yamuna River for Chhath Puja, a festival celebrating the sun. Because the river is covered in a toxic foam from chemical pollutants, they’ll return for the I Hope My Chemotherapy Works festival.

President Joe Biden marked Veterans Day with a speech at the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier. It started late because Biden wanted to wait until the Soldier’s family arrived.

A new study from Japan shows cats can use “socio-spatial cognition” from their acute sense of hearing to mentally picture where their owners are at any given time. However, they only use it to confirm that the owner is standing next to the cat food.