Tuesday Jokes: January 8

Snoop Dogg posted a video online, saying furloughed government workers who vote for Trump in 2020 are “dumb motherf**kers”. However, Snoop is probably overestimating the willingness of Trump voters to watch an entire video featuring a black guy.

R Kelly plans to rebut claims made by women in the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ with a new website survivinglies.com . Kelly said he’ll expose all of his accusers as liars, then probably celebrate by exposing himself.

Flu vaccines administered to kids via nasal mist are only 27% effective in targeting the predominant H1N1 strain of flu – versus traditional shots, which are almost 70% effective. Doctors encountering nervous kids are advised to tell them they’re getting the vaccine in their nose, and then jab a needle in it.

John Travolta posted a pic on Instagram with his head shaved bald.  It’s believed to be the first time he’s been seen without hair — although he kept his beard, wife Kelly Preston.

Broadcast networks are deciding whether to air President Trump’s oval office address at 9pm regarding immigration and border security. CBS has decided to air the speech, assuming their viewers will think it’s just another episode of ‘NCIS’.

Chicago’s Goose Island Brewery is offering free beer for a year to anyone who can make a 43-yard field goal – like the one missed by Bears Kicker Cody Parkey in Sunday’s NFL playoff loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. No word if Parkey plans to show up and leave without winning free beer.

Bill Timmons, CEO of Hacienda HealthCare in Phoenix resigned, after a female patient who’s been in a coma for 14 years at a Hacienda facility recently gave birth. The company apologized for the terrible lapse in security and failure to throw a gender reveal party.

Experts speculate that illness experienced by U.S. Embassy workers in Havana – caused by piercing humming & grinding noises – was the result of loud crickets. Scientists matched a recording of the sound to cricket activity, and also cited the embassy’s location next to a stand-up comedy open mic.

Carnival Cruise Lines said it’s delaying a plan to start charging passengers for room service delivered to their cabin. Those who enjoy cruises say they’re used to seeing some free items on the room service menu, and that it wouldn’t hurt crew members to bring snacks while they’re in the cabin cleaning vomit.

An investor who owns 1.7% of Dollar Tree wants the store to raise profits by selling items for more than $1. Dollar Tree execs are reluctant to do so, saying cashiers’ math skills are already stretched to the limit making change for stuff costing less than $1.

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