Wednesday Jokes: January 9

A Florida teacher, upset with the principal at her school, spread human feces on tables and grills at a park where the principal was to host a birthday party for her daughter. The principal considered moving her daughter’s party to Chuck E. Cheese, but decided the park was still better.

Amazon announced Amazon Key for Garage – a variant of Amazon Key where delivery persons leave packages in your garage instead of inside your front door. The move was hailed by thieves who are happy to steal your bike or car in addition to your packages.

A security camera caught a suspect, 33-year-old Roberto Arroyo, licking the doorbell of a home in Salinas, California for three hours. The homeowner, Sylvia Dungan, tapped Arroyo on the head and told him to try something different.

Users in the U.K., parts of Europe and North America were disappointed on Tuesday when Tinder went down – the exact opposite of how they feel when Tinder dates do.

A shopper in Los Angeles photographed Beyoncé shopping at Target. Or, as it’s now known, Tarcé .

The Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show revoked an innovation award from a robotics company making the Osé – a device to stimulate the g-spot and clitoris to produce orgasm- because officials said it didn’t fit a product category.   “I have a category for it” said a woman.

Passengers on an EDM party cruise departing Florida were arrested for possession of cocaine & ecstasy, in what police called ‘a layup’.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                New artificial intelligence technology called DeepGestalt can identify certain rare genetic disorders by examining facial photos.  DeepGestalt told a woman herpes isn’t a rare genetic disorder, and, no, it can’t tell if her boyfriend has it from his picture.

A dad created an app that freezes kids’ smartphones until they answer their parents’ texts. He’s now refining the app so that the phone remains frozen when the kid texts back “leave me the f**k alone”. [ h/t to K.A.P. ! ]                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Actor Josh Brolin marked his fifth sober anniversary with a photo on Instagram taken while he was drunk. The photo was accompanied by a lengthy description of the horrors of excessive drinking, but still omitted any mention of ‘Jonah Hex’.



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