Friday Jokes: January 25

Anne Hathaway said that she’s going to stop drinking alcohol for the next 18 years while she raises her child. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal at first, then you realize at some point she’ll be reading reviews of ‘The Princess Diaries 3′.

A petition is circulating to get Maroon 5 to cancel their Super Bowl halftime show in support of NFL players’ right to protest, and also because it’s Maroon 5.

Carnival Cruise Lines announced that they’ll be offering the first ocean liner with an on-board roller coaster. The coaster will allow Carnival passengers who manage to avoid rampant norovirus to also get seasick.

John Travolta, in an interview with Us Weekly, credited the Church of Scientology with helping him through the unexpected death of his son 10 years ago – calling it some of the best money he’s ever spent.

YouTube says it will recommend fewer videos that spread political misinformation and conspiracy theories. Coming on the heels of their recently-announced ban of dangerous prank videos, people are justifiably questioning what’s left to watch.

Nike announced a deal to become Major League Baseball’s official uniform and footwear supplier starting in 2020. They asked for a one-year delay to allow time to find baseball players to kneel on the dugout steps during the National Anthem.

Ben Affleck was photographed leaving a dentist’s office with his mouth packed so full of cotton he couldn’t close it. He then checked into rehab for novocaine addiction.

Billionaire Michael Bloomberg used a speech in Virginia to liken Donald Trump to Freddy Krueger, adding that “instead of ..Nightmare on Elm Street, we’ve got Trump and the Nightmare on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”. Critics were swift to point out the flaw, in that Freddy Krueger was actually pretty good at his job.

The air traffic controllers union says that flight delays at Laguardia, Newark & Philadelphia airports are a direct result of the government shutdown. While the baggage handlers union at Philadelphia’s airport say flight delays are hindering their ability to lose and steal luggage.

FBI agents stormed the Florida home of Roger Stone before dawn, arresting him on charges stemming from the Mueller investigation. A confused, agitated Stone appeared at his front door in pajamas, telling the middle-aged men that brunch didn’t start for five more hours.

 

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