Monday Jokes: January 28

Absenteeism from the flu outbreak has closed schools in 12 different states. Students are reminded to practice good hygiene like hand-washing, and not kissing the teacher they’re having sex with if she or he has the flu.

Astrophysicists from Spain accessing the Hubble Space Telescope released what they’re calling “the deepest images of the universe ever taken from space” – resulting in the researchers seeing millions of hidden stars, and thousands of billboards for Pedro’s South of the Border.

MLB’s San Diego Padres are officially switching back to brown & gold uniforms starting with the 2020 season. The Padres used brown as their primary color from 1969, when they first formed, through 1991, when they decided they were tired of looking like dung.

A 10-year-old Kentucky boy won his science fair with a project calling QB Tom Brady a cheater, by showing underinflated footballs are thrown more accurately. The boy’s findings and project stunned adults who couldn’t believe they hold science fairs in Kentucky.

A non-venomous carpet python in a toilet bit a 59-year-old Brisbane, Australia woman on the buttocks while she urinated. The woman was treated for her injury but still thanked the snake for putting the seat down.

President Trump agreed to reopen the U.S. Government for three weeks while Congress negotiates border security. Trump said he hasn’t ruled out using Executive Orders to declare two national emergencies — one to demand a border wall, and one to demand the year-round offering of McRib.

The New York Times reports Facebook plans to integrate back-office operations of its Messenger, Instagram & WhatsApp products, claiming it will be easier for them to steal and sell your personal data just once instead of three times.

The Centers for Disease Control linked an eight-state salmonella outbreak to hedgehogs. The CDC warned people not to “snuggle or kiss” hedgehogs —  real ones, not your boyfriends and girlfriends.

A new study in the journal ‘Science Advances’ suggests Alzheimer’s could be caused by a gum infection. Doctors found a high number of seniors with no teeth who couldn’t remember losing them.

A flight attendant died of an apparent heart attack on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Honolulu to New York.  Passengers described the cabin erupting in bedlam when they  realized they couldn’t locate the exits.

NYPD officer James Wong, 35, was arrested following an argument when he punched his 63-year-old mother in the face. Wong remains free on bond. He also remains a policeman, not a doctor like his mother wanted.

Tinder settled a price discrimination lawsuit for charging users over age 30 twice as much for their Tinder Plus premium product. Tinder defended the higher pricing, saying it offset costs of refunds demanded by younger users tricked into sex with geezers.

 

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